**I am NOT OOP.** Original post by u/Candid-Spot-5015 in r/TrueOffMyChest, r/AITAH and r/u_Candid-Spot-5015 **Trigger warnings** >!Foster care...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/JupiterBORU on 2024-08-06 21:38:59+00:00.

I am NOT OOP. Original post by u/Candid-Spot-5015 in r/TrueOffMyChest, r/AITAH and r/u_Candid-Spot-5015

Trigger warnings Foster care abandonment, financial exploitation, emotional distress, mentions of abuse

EDIT: There have been some comments so I will address, I originally posted this with all info included. As some of you have noticed this post doesn’t include some posts/information. That’s because I was asked by the OOP to remove certain things so I’ve edited it down. And why there’s no input from Jamie anymore.

My foster family of 11 years is kicking me out by the end of the week. I have no where to go and I feel broken.

25 July 2024 12:03AM

I (18M) was told earlier today that I need to pack up and leave by the end of the week. I still feel in shock.

I was removed from my biological family when I was 7 due to issues with my parents, I was then placed in foster care and then matched with a couple who I will call the ‘Peters’ (it’s not their real name, no matter how much I actually want to blast their real info I won’t). The Peters were always really nice to me, and since I moved in when I was pretty young after a while I started to consider them my parents. I called them ‘mum’ and ‘dad’. Treated them as my parents, treated their biological son as my brother.

I wasn’t their only foster child, they also have a 9 year old boy who has lived with us for a little over a year. I was never adopted by them, I know why because they live off the fostering allowance. Something that never really bothered me, they told me that it didn’t matter and that legality didn’t make us a family. Which I believed. I went on their agency website earlier today and I found out that they are getting paid at least £2400 for me per month. Or at least they were. Since I turned 18 they stopped getting the allowance.

However they applied for a staying put arrangement for me, which meant they would continue getting paid something as they continue to support me and let me live with them. It wasn’t as much, I think it was like £1000 per month. They told me they had it approved until I was 21, so I thought I’d be able to stay at least until I finished Uni.

They sat me down today and told me I had to leave. They told me that fostering is a business and that they couldn’t afford to keep me on just the stay put arrangement allowance. They told me I had until the end of the week. 4 days. How generous of them. They said they need my room because they want to get a new foster placement. They literally told me it’s ‘not personal’. Like that makes me feel any fucking better. They said they would still consider me ‘like a son’, not ‘their son’ anymore. ‘Like a son’ And that they want to ‘keep in touch’. What a joke.

They choose to kick me out. An 18 year old with no job. No income. No nothing. About to start university. Yet their bio-son who is 25 gets to stay?

So yeah. I guess fuck me right? I’m just the one no one ever wanted. I guess I wasn’t ever truly part of their family.

Relevant comments

Accomplished-Emu-591

I am sorry for your situation. However, you should contact the agency that was paying them, tell them what they did, and ask for referrals to other organizations that can provide you assistance with finding employment and attending uni.

It is even possible that your report of their behavior would make them ineligible for further paid foster placement. Not likely, but possible.

NoAddress1159 responding to Accomplished-Emu-591

Calling your former social worker is 100% a great idea OP. Or going to citizens advice. There is plenty of support available to former foster children and they will help you find what you’re eligible for.

The part about reporting them, sadly there wouldn’t be anything legally wrong, or against any fostering practices for what they’re doing. As long as they don’t continue to claim on the staying put order, that is. In England fostering is generally treated more as a business than as something you do for love, as it is in the US. Which has its upsides and its downsides. Morally though, the peters are despicable people in my opinion.

JenninMiami

I’m so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, many, many parents kick their biological kids out once they turn 18 too.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to JenninMiami

It doesn’t really if I’m honest

MouseAndLadybug

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, these are garbage people.

I’d be reporting them for fraud, they can’t accept money to have you stay there if you aren’t.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to MouseAndLadybug

They’ll probably cancel the staying put arrangement all together, so I don’t think they’ll continue to be paid for me after I leave. Though that is something I am 100% be checking in a few weeks.

SnooDonuts5498

Join the military- it’s a great place for a young man and you’ll have benefits the rest of your life.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to SnooDonuts5498

fuck off

PoeBoyFromPoeFamily

They’re doing it for the money. That is why.

It’s unfortunate and they sound horrid. I’m sorry, OP. I hope it all works out for you. Leaving will suck, but at least you won’t be surrounded by greedy leeches.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to PoeBoyFromPoeFamily

I thought they were my family. I’m genuinely considering going NC with them after I’m set up whatever I’ll end up next week.

kucky94 responding to Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

You absolutley should. You were 7 when you went into their care. They denied you the opportunity to find a real family who love you for you and not the $$ you brought in. Fuck them. You deserve better.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to kucky94

I doubt anyone would have adopted me. I wasn’t a great kid, in truth had more issues than a hospital piss pot. I wasn’t a great kid in any sense. But I changed. Genuinely I changed.

I can’t help but wonder if this is because of how I was as a young child.

naynay130318

I’m so sorry this has happened to you Honey, you must be feeling awful. Do you have a care leavers personal advisor? Not sure which area you are in. They should be supporting you to find move on accommodation in a supported setting If needed or support you to approach your local housing office for support.

Without cause, your foster family cannot give you 4 days notice to leave, they would need to give formal notice which is usually about 4 weeks. It would be worth calling your children’s services duty / out of hours telephone number and explaining the situation, because it will be whoever is responsible( i.e the personal advisors) team who will be paying the staying put fees to the foster carers, so there is someone who is responsible and will need to provide immediate support to help you

X

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to naynay130318

Yeah I’m meeting with him today. I’m going to tell him they’ve given me a verbal 4 day notice and that I need urgent help.

If I’m honest I don’t want to stay here anymore, the whole dynamic has changed and none of them even look me in the eyes now. But I’m not going to make myself homeless, so I’ll stay until I have accommodation and I’m not leaving the house until I do.

BrightAd306

It is awful, but if they counted on that money to make rent, they might not have much of a choice. I wouldn’t conduct myself that way, but not every foster couple is rich

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to BrightAd306

They own their own home.

And just some quick maths for anyone interested:

I don’t know what package I was placed on because there’s a difference allowance for each package, but according to the fostering agency website the minimum was £2,400 for me, it goes to a maximum of 3,400 per month but I’ll estimate off the lowest. Mine obviously stopped but it would be the same for the 9M foster placement they have now.

So, 2,400x12= 28,800 per year. Plus my 12,000 per year from the staying put order. Gave them a nice 40,800 per year. Which they would pay little, if any tax on as fostering allowance is taxed very lightly here.

That maybe doesn’t sound a lot to Americans with your high wages, but the average post tax wage where I live is 23,985 per year.

They had enough I think.

Mini Update

25 July 2024 12:43PM

Okay, thank you guys for all your advice.

Honestly I was in a state of …

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1elu1nd/my_foster_family_of_11_years_is_kicking_me_out_by/

  • @[email protected]MEnglish
    3•1 month ago

    The Peters found my reddit posts. 27 July 2024

    The Peters’ son (Jamie) has found the my original reddit post. I guess I should have been more carful with the details but my mind was so frantic at the point of writing it I just couldn’t think straight. I’m not sure how he found it, but considering it has almost 10k upvotes and Jamie was the person who introduced me to reddit I guess it might have just popped up on his page? Does anyone know if it might have popped up to him because we’re on the same network/in the same location?

    A few hours ago Jaime came to my room. He showed me the original post and asked if I had written it. At first I tried to deny it, but I’m an awful liar so he just knew. He asked why I didn’t tell him about this, and I said I thought he knew. He told me he had no idea and would not have supported his parents throwing me out if he did. He was told I requested to move out. He genuinely seemed shocked and appalled at the details in the post.

    Against my wishes he shared the posts in the family group chat, he did this out of a place of wanting to defend me. ‘Mum, dad, I really think you should read this and see the impact this is having on…’ But I really wish he didn’t do it.

    They’ve both read the message but neither have responded. I have not left my room since. I’m really anxious right now. Like I’m at the level before a panic attack. I can feel one coming on.

    Relevant Comments polly6119

    Stay calm and know that you did nothing wrong. They may try to gaslight you. They may lie to your brother. They don’t have a good track record for being decent people. But no matter what they do, remember you did nothing wrong.

    They cannot throw you out because of it. They have learned their lesson on that. I’m glad to know your brother didn’t agree with their horrible decision and I’m glad that he found out. Him not looking you in the eye these past couple of days may have had something to do with the tension already in the air and him thinking you just up and wanted to leave.

    I hope it turns out that they realize their mistakes and apologize profusely. But brace yourself for that not happening and that they may get upset with you for “airing dirty laundry”. They may end up trying to guilt you and blame everything on you. They may do nothing.

    Please please remember, no matter what they say and no matter what your ex best friend said, You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.Your feelings are valid. You deserve love. You did not deserve what they did to you.

    AfternoonAgitated803

    Calm and breath. Sounds like he’s being a big brother and sticking up for you, because for him your his sister and he loves you. So talk to him more lean on him more, he’s an adult he can handle it.

    The moving out, the “peters” could have really dealt with this in such a better way, they could have talked to you about now that your an adult and soon going to university, we’ll go and talk to your case worker about finding you your own place to live and we’ll be able to help another little kid just like you when you came here, but you’ve got to come round for Sunday dinner… or something like that … they handled this sooooooo badly saying yes you can stay till 21 then telling you exactly the money they receive and then telling you to get out by the end of the week where did they expect you to go ffs?

    Do the Foster parents not work at all? Or are the children their only job? And although he’s being a good brother to you right now if he finished uni 2 years ago, why isn’t he working or getting training or something? 2 years of not putting his degree to use will show those in whatever field he did the degree in that he has no work ethic at all.

    I’ve just tonight been reading through all your posts and I completely understand why your thinking of going lc with Foster parents, they’ve handled it really really badly and next time you see your case worker ask them do Foster parents not get training or anything on how to handle this situation of when a child is reaching 18? Tell the case worker you want notes or something put on their file of how badly they have handled this so that any future Foster kids they look after their file shows this is what they do when the money drops down so that a future case worker can put the child’s needs first and they don’t go through what you went through.

    With your friend, he’s being a bit of an AH im guessing by the language used he has the PRIVILEGE of living with his birth parents his whole life and is no danger of being told he has to get out in 5 days? He is not acknowledging he’s in a POSITION of PRIVILEGE in this situation … id message him and say … these last few days have been crazy and although you wouldn’t know what it feels like to be in this position i was just looking for a friend to listen. It’s been a stressful and upsetting few days and I don’t want to fall out with you. … and just suggest something you usually do together if you play a computer game or just hang out … end it with do you wanna play comp/hang out tomorrow? … and leave it at that and see what they say.

    FairyRebelsWild

    To the Peters:

    From OP’s posts, it sounds like you had a genuine relationship with him (or at least he felt you did). It’s good that you were able to provide a stable family life for him.

    Considering that you had originally told OP he could stay and you had applied for him staying put, I’m going to assume that somehow, your circumstances changed. That sucks. But you handled this in the worst way possible.

    You should have approached OP in a collaborative manner, explaining the situation. Phrased it as not being able to support him anymore, rather than fostering being a business. Explored if him getting a job and financially contributing would have helped. Actually help him connect with his PA for those transitional services and with their advice, making a realistic move-out date.

    Everything you did was wrong.

    Saying fostering is a business taints every family interaction or affection as fake and transactional. I daresay pretending to be his family is worse than if you had kept it “business-like” from the beginning.

    Verbal 4 days notice is actually heartless. How cruel and frankly, unrealistic, especially as you knew (being the ones to have originally allowed him to stay) that he wasn’t applied to the transitional services yet.

    You can’t expect him to continue treating you as family while you treat him as a former business colleague. Again, heartless and unrealistic. I hope you learn to be more empathetic to your future foster kids, or at least, be honest to them about your intentions from the beginning.

    • @[email protected]MEnglish
      2•1 month ago

      What I’m going to send in the family group chat; is this a bad idea? 28 July 2024

      To Matt and Claire.

      I came to you as a 7 year old. A 7 year old who had never felt love or affection, or anything remotely nice. I was taught at a young age to fear those in authority. To fear the sudden changes in the moods of my birth parents. I was taught to bottle up my emotions and my pain and never show it. When I first came to you, my life was ruled by fear and anxiety.

      I know my behaviours back then were awful, were a struggle to manage. I had been taught there were no consequences for some actions. And firm, scary and hard consequences for others. The worst part was that those actions never seemed to be consistent. I could do something one day and be praised by my birth family, and another day I would be beaten. Love was not something given, it was something earned. It was conditional and shallow.

      You both showed me another way. You showed me love and affection, and at first it felt confusing and hard to comprehend. I couldn’t see myself as anything more than a nuisance, I couldn’t see why someone would love me. I couldn’t understand why you weren’t beating me. Do you remember me telling you “you can hit me if I be naughty, I won’t mind” ? Slowly you taught me to trust and love myself, and those around me.

      You showed me that no matter what I did, you wouldn’t give up on me. You wouldn’t send me away or hate me. And I really tried to make you. I know that. I was scared. You made me realise that it wasn’t my own fault I was in care, and that I wasn’t to blame for the things that happened to my birth family. You showed me appropriate outlets to my fears.

      You showed me love, compassion, and kindness. The first day I remember feeling truly safe was when I was sitting in your arms at 8 years old watching Shrek. I still think back to that moment. It probably just felt like another day to you, but to me, it is a core memory in my life. It’s a moment that shapes the way I see myself.

      You sat up with me when I was worried about moving up to secondary school. You comforted me when my birth mum told me she no longer wanted to be part of my life. You were there when xx broke up with me when I was 15 years old and I felt like my whole world was ending again. You encouraged me to go beyond with my studies and apply to University. The most important thing you showed me was that I was worthy of being loved and respected.

      You never gave up on me. I am who I am today because of what you did. I look at myself and I see compassion, and care, and kindness. And in those traits I see you. You weren’t my birth family but you were my family. My only family.

      I just… I don’t know what changed. Why has there been a switch? Why have you gone from the loving and caring parents you were?

      When I leave my room now, I no longer feel that love and kindness that brought my out of the pits of despair as a child. It’s almost as if you have completely altered the way you see me, and I just can’t understand why.

      A few days ago you told me I had to move out. You gave me 4 days notice to leave my family. You sent me back into feeling like that child at 7 years old. I’m not saying this to guilt you or to ask you to let me stay. That has passed now and unfortunately I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see you the same way again. I understand if you were hard on money or if you wanted to help another child like me. But why not talk to me? Why spring it on me and then act like I don’t matter? Why tell me it’s just business? Did you think that would make it hurt less?

      Since you told me my whole life has been turned upside down and I don’t know how I will make it to the other side. If I had felt like this a few weeks ago, do you know who I would have gone to? I would have gone to you. I would have told you my worries and my fears, and you would have said the exact right thing and then we’d sit together and watch some awful TV show. And now, I have no one again. I feel like I’m being told for the second time in my life that I don’t deserve a family. And this time I have no one to pick me up off the edge. That was always you mum and dad. It was always you I could rely on.

      Why are you giving up on me now?

      Relevant comments Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

      I really feel like today the whole thing has just hit me in the face again. I think the emotions I was feeling were being blocked and today they’ve been let out and I’ve done nothing but cry all day.

      JaayLovesWriting

      Send it to them, let them know how you feel, how they hurt you and that they cannot expect you to ever contact them again after you leave. They need to know how you feel. Send it to them and if you want to, leave the GC. Because they may try to justify their actions and you don’t need to hear it

      Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to JaayLovesWriting

      The sad thing is I don’t think I even want that. I want them to love me again.

      • @[email protected]MEnglish
        2•1 month ago

        I’ve contacted my PA, and I’m moving out today. 29 July 2024

        My PA is allowing me to store my things I can’t take with me in his garage. It’s kind of him. He’s found me a place at a local hostel. I’ll get my own room apparently, which was a big deciding factor on if I wanted to move in or not.

        The hostel works with the LA and houses a lot of care leavers (the English term for someone who has aged out of foster care) while they wait for their own houses.

        I haven’t sent the message yet, but I know my foster brother Jamie has seen it. Yesterday I felt overwhelming emotions, today I feel none. I don’t know which is better. I’ll send it once I’m moved out.

        I have a room, so I’ll be gone in a few hours. I still haven’t spoken to them, but I just can’t face it anymore. I am sick of being anxious and stressed about this.

        I guess they did get their 4 day notice after all.

        Edit 1-

        I have just left the Peter’s house for the last time. The room is ready for me at the hostel. I feel so weird and sad and lonely right now. I’ve ordered myself a pizza to have for dinner today, and my PA even paid for it!

        I just want to get in bed and cry. My head is spinning thinking about everything I need to do.

        Wish me luck everyone.

        Edit 2-

        I want to clarify something; I was hurt and in shock when I wrote my first post, but I want to make it understood that I was never eligible to be adopted. At first, the end goal for me was to reintegrate me into my birth family. By the time we knew that was never going to happen I wouldn’t have accepted adoption as I wanted to keep my legal ties with my birth family. The Peters always told me it didn’t matter that I didn’t want to be adopted, and they loved me the same anyway. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything, or maybe it would have.

        They were paid fortnightly for caring for me, and they would get £1,565.48. That’s £40,702.48 per year they got just to raise me. Which is about $52,295.77.

        I keep thinking about that number. Was that all I was?

        I wonder what I would change if I could go back in time.

        Edit 3 -

        I am settled in the hostel now. It’s not exactly luxury… to say the least. But at least I’m here now.

        I sent the text message, very slightly altered from the one I wrote yesterday. And then I left the group chat. I also posted it on Facebook.

        That was probably the wrong thing to do. I don’t know.

        Final Update -

        This is going to be my final update on all of this. I want to put everything behind me.

        Claire rang me crying. Saying she had no idea I felt like this. How? How could she not know? She said she was sorry and begged me to come back. God. How do I ruin everything? She was telling me all these things about how she regrets the past few days so much and wishes she could take it all back.

        I said this is not fair. She cannot throw me out and then call me crying. I said its manipulative. She just kept saying sorry. She said she loves me and wants me to come home. Jesus. This is just a lie, right? She must have known. Am I the bad person here, I feel so confused I don’t know what to do?

        I just hung up and then she started texting me and I blocked her. But now I feel like I’m the bad person here. I’m so tired of this. Of all of this.

        I want nothing to do with any of them. I don’t think Reddit is good for me. I’m not sure any of this is good for me. I’m going to delete the app. Sorry everyone.

        Relevant Comments calamitycurls

        I’ve been following along with your updates as you post them OP, and I want to tell you that I’m so sorry you’re going through this, that you deserve better, and that you are so strong in a situation where you shouldn’t have to be. I’m glad your PA is helping you, and I wish you nothing but success and happiness. ❤️

        Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to calamitycurls

        Thank you.

        I considered contacting my bio-mum, last time I spoke to her was when I was a young teen. But I think it might just be seeking out something to make myself feel more hurt and I don’t think I could deal with any more rejection.

        To bigger and better things.

        eightmarshmallows

        I can’t believe the Peters were too cowardly to even say anything to you. Will this whole situation make them ineligible for future placements? I would think there is a reporting structure and your PA would be obligated to flag their file for this.

        Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to eightmarshmallows

        Doubt it. My PA didn’t even seem shocked by the situation as a whole and I think my parents have framed it as us falling out to their social worker. Despite me making it clear that’s not the case from my pov.

        I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

        Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments