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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-06-26 04:02:04+00:00.
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OOP Has since deleted their account
Am I the asshole for asking my husband’s best man to wear a tuxedo?
Originally posted to r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC
TRIGGER WARNING: body shaming, manipulation, controlling behavior, bullying
Original Post June 12, 2024
I (26F) am getting married to Mark(28m), a handsome, responsible, intelligent man with a kind heart and a great sense of humor. My sister Jennifer (23F) is going to be his “best man.”
Jennifer is best friends with my husband Mark (26m). He’s known her more than twice as long as he’s known me. We only really met and talked at any length about 3 years ago or so. They were co-workers together at her high school job, and she’s been a part of his gaming group since then. They went to the same college, and they’re coworkers again now working for his friend John’s (42m) company. Mark was in college for the better part of a decade getting two undergraduate degrees and his PhD, and Jennifer ended up doing the same major as him, likely due to his encouragement. She’s thinking about her masters in the same field, but they both work full-time now.
In addition to being coworkers and playing dungeons and dragons together, they also game online, and they hang out all the time. They’ve gone to conventions together, either as part of a group, or just the two of them. They do local classes and events together, and Mark helps Jennifer with her photography and editing.
While she has a solid full-time job she likes, Jennifer still has aspirations of being a model/influencer. She loves fashion, and she’s also into cosplay.
After we got engaged, we were at a family dinner, and I was talking to Mark about the wedding party, and I mentioned that even though I have two sisters, I wanted my own best friend Helen (26f) to be my maid of honor.
Mark said that was great, because he actually wanted to ask Jennifer to be his best man. Jennifer immediately and enthusiastically agreed. Being a female best man is just the kind of thing She’d love. Obviously, even if that meant she wouldn’t be one of my bridesmaids. She also knew that between our other sister and some of my friends I had too many people who needed to be bridesmaids and Mark was worried about being short on groomsmen.
This was all fine and well until later on when we were talking about what people were going to wear. I picked out my dream wedding dress, and I coordinated the bridesmaid dresses, and Mark was going to have his groomsmen, most of which were other gaming buddies in tuxedos. I had to talk him out of putting them in cosplay/renfaire stuff. However, Jennifer was going to wear a dress.
Jennifer is a very tall, very attractive woman, and to be perfectly frank, she has a large chest.
The dress that she wants to wear was designed by one of her friends online, and while it’s not white or anything (It’s mostly red and black and pretty well matches the other groomsmen) And it’s formal and fancy, it definitely shows off her figure. I wouldn’t say in a slutty way at all, but it just does. She would also, as best woman, stand out from the other men on the groom’s side, especially in the heels she wanted to wear with the dress.
After dropping a few hints here and there and broaching the subject of each side of the wedding party matching and women’s tuxedos, I gently requested that Mark have Jennifer wear a tuxedo rather than the dress and shoes she wanted and he had previously liked.
When they gave me pushback, I pointed out to Jennifer that she might be too exposed or she might distract people with such a flashy dress.
Jennifer gave me a dirty look and said, half under her breath, “are you fucking serious?” And before I could react, she just said “fine. Fuck it. You’re the bride. I’ll wear the fucking tuxedo.”
Mark sighed and half said some things about it being ridiculous, but then when I asked him what he said he just said, “Okay. It’s whatever. It’s fine.”
Since then, Mark and Jennifer have been passive aggressively making fun of my concerns, with them doing things like Mark comedy ogling her chest, or her making all sorts of boob jokes. She’s done things like ostentatiously covering up her chest with her hands when she moves past people while saying things like, “gotta guard the girls, wouldn’t want to knock anyone over”. Both her and Mark keep making fake Freudian slips about her chest or her figure, and Jennifer even pretended to lose her balance and fall over because “her boobs were too heavy”.
They pretty much just do this when I’m around. They seem to think it’s hilarious.
They’ve made it very well known that Jen is really disappointed about not getting to wear the dress and that her seamstress friend is upset about it too, and Mark has seemed a bit distant and disinterested in wedding planning.
I was looking over some tuxedos for women and making some suggestions to Jennifer, about ones that aren’t too tight in the chest or hips, and she just showed me the one that She had already picked out and said, “is this fine, or did you want to further micromanage my specific tuxedo?”
We started to get into a fight, and she accused me of being a bridezilla. When I told her she was being a bad sister, she said that she wasn’t the one who was being body shamed and told what to wear. I told her My requests weren’t body shaming, and she said that they were the same thing.
My parents completely took Jennifer’s side and said that I should just let her wear the dress. Obviously, she showed it to them too, and they thought it was beautiful. They like her friend too, and her friend has done clothing and costumes for / with her before.
My father said that I should at least stop bothering her about the tuxedo if I’m going to make her wear one, and then I should just let her go with the one she picked. The one she wants though is very high visual impact and it is also very tailored. She said she can match it to the colors but I feel like she’d still stand out.
When I tried to get Mark to weigh in on this, he just said, “It’s your wedding, do whatever you want. I guess I’ll tell her to do whatever you want.” And I obviously don’t feel like he’s very invested. I feel like he’s not on the same page but he just doesn’t want to argue. He’s always like that.
Even though we both have good jobs, both Jennifer and I still live at home with our parents, because housing is ridiculous, and it’s been awkward around each other. I’ve been staying over at Mark’s a lot over the last year, and I was supposed to be officially moving in, but he’s been kind of cool and passive about it recently.
Everyone seems to be acting like I’m the asshole here, even though Mark and Jennifer are the ones being passive aggressive and unreasonable. I almost feel I should have just made Jennifer a bridesmaid right off the bat or told Mark that it didn’t make sense for him to have female groomsmen.
Am I the asshole for wanting my husband’s “best man” to just wear a normal tuxedo?
Update June 19, 2024
There is not going to be a wedding.
John (42m), of all people, Mark’s (28m) boss and gaming buddy noticed my(26f) post, as it got way, way more attention than I ever expected.
We’ve only ever met a couple of times and hardly ever talked before, but he reached out to me with,“This is “John” lol call me”. So I called him from the parking lot after work.
John says he’s been married for about 20 years, and he’s tried to give Mark relationship advice. He doesn’t think we’re a good match. He told me that I should talk to Mark and that Mark has been unhappy with our relationship and extremely unhappy with the wedding planning, even to the point that it’s a running gag amongst him and his friends.
I got into it a bit with John, because to be fair to me, Mark’s ideas have been ridiculous. Just some of the things he asked for, and which John, Jennifer(23f), and his buddies thought would be “Cool”,
He wanted the wedding party to have custom swords/daggers and amulets. He wanted them to have the swords during the ceremony and he thought people would like fantasy amulets.
Mark had told me that John was willing to pay for the bridesmaid dresses if we had them done by Jennifer’s costumer friend. I told him no, because I wanted normal, nice bridesmaids dresses from someplace reputable and that the bridesmaids could buy them themselves. John told me that he had offered this as a bit of a bet with Mark.
Mark wanted to serve mead at the wedding, he said that his friend, John, could provide it and that he made mead in his basement and had tons of it. I obviously said No, because why would I want mead at my wedding, never mind some guys’ basement mead? John got a laugh out of this at the time, and talking to me, because he’s a nerd who likes to laugh at his own jokes. Apparently, he’s very proud of his “basement mead”, and They like to make toasts with it. “Basement mead” has apparently become a running gag in their games, as John insisted on telling me. Frankly, John seemed kind of tickled with himself just because he was speaking with me.
Mark wanted the band at the wedding to play classical cover…
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