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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/swtogirl on 2024-06-26 12:55:34+00:00.
I am not OOP. OOP is u/Lifeishard167 and they posted on r/amiwrong
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AIW for not wanting to invite a friend and her family to a group cottage trip? June 10, 2024
Last summer my friends and I planned a group family cottage trip for the 1st of July celebrations.
One of our friends has 5 kids, while the rest of us either has 1-2 kids or No kids. There are 4 families. Last summer our friend with 5 kids basically dumped her kids on the rest of us to watch. Her husband basically ditched her and his kids to drink with the men and join activities.
One incident of this happening was when my husband and I arranged for him to get some time with the guys, while I planned an intentional hike/scavenger hunt through the woods with my two little ones.
My one friend with the 5 kids heard about it and asked if her 5 kids could join me, while she could take a quick nap and then she would come get them later. I wanted to say no but then she already told her kids about it and they were excited to go. So I didn’t want to say no to them. Well, she never joined us later, I couldn’t handle all 7 kids, especially with her kids being super energetic. I got back to see her chilling with the men. When I asked her, why she didn’t come get them, she said got distracted and forgot.
My other friends were saying how because she is more my friend, that I should not invite her this year. They also don’t want to spend this years cottage trip babysitting or breaking up fights among her kids.
On the weekend my friend with 5 kids was asking me if I had booked the cottage yet. I haven’t because, I want to talk to her first.
Would I be the asshole if I told her to make sure if she plans to go to not dump her kids on others? Or, would I be wrong to not invite her?
What should I do instead? I am open to suggestions.
Relevant Comments:
She WILL dump her kids on you again.
You SHOULD tell her she is not invited this year.
‘Hi friend, unfortunately, we don’t have room this year for you and your family.’
Or
‘Hi friend, unfortunately, I cannot take on extra child care duties this vacation, and you (and your spouse) have proven that you will say one thing and do another when it comes to your kids. Your behaviour last time made it so I couldn’t enjoy the vacation and I am determined to enjoy this one. We can discuss what plans for next year look like, but this year I am devoting to my family.’
Read the book ‘I feel guilty when I say no’
I too am a people pleaser and this book has helped tremendously.
Edited to include the husband.
OP may want to rephrase that her friend and husband, left the rest of the group to do their child care
Yeah, everyone is hating on the friend (and the friend does suck), but the husband also is a jerk who neglected his kids selfishly.
This is awesome, except I would take out the, “We can discuss what plans for next year look like…”. Don’t set yourself up to have to have this conversation again. She’s made her bed now, so she can lie in it with her five kids.
Just be honest. She knows what she is doing, she is doing it. I get that she needs some social time in her life but not at the expense of everyone else around! If she can’t maintain her kids, then she shouldn’t be invited. You don’t need to give her a chance, she already had one and she showed you. She forgot . . . about her five kids . . . Really? She was outright taking advantage of the situation. Be honest. She isn’t really your friend, a friend would not do that to you, or to a group of others. You are better off without this “friendship.”
Nobody else wants her or her family there. They’ve made that clear to you, so YWBTA if you invited her and her family in any way, shape, or form. Full stop.
I would just tell her there’s not enough room this time round, and nobody is available to watch her children the entire weekend.
You’re so right, if OP invites her bad friend OP will will end up alienating her other friends because the bad friend refuses to take care of her own children. If OP invites her it may be her last year with the group Her friend blew it and didn’t own up up to it she will do this again. Op can just tell her in a nice way that she and her husband placed too much of a burden on others with their childcare demands and it didn’t work for them. Vacations should be relaxing and OP didn’t get any quality time with her own family because the friend dumped her children on OP.
Update June 10, 2024 (8 hours later)
I am super thankful for all the advice. Your advice aided me in my conversation with my friend. It didn’t go well but it was expected. Below is how it went:
We were talking on the phone and I brought up the cottage trip. The conversation went something like this:
Me: I was wondering if you wanted to plan together another fun activity we can do this summer, just your family and mine. Maybe a bonfire at the beach in August because it was a little more work with the extra kids last year at the cottage.
She was open to it but thought I wanted to cancel the whole trip. When I told her I was still planning to go with the other families, she was confused.
Things she said:
- Muskoka (where we are going) was the highlight of her kids summer last year and they were excited to go again.
- her kids will be so disappointed.
Me: I apologized and told her how last year it was a little hard. I explained why it was hard and gave her a few examples of what happened last year and she didn’t view those situations the way my other friends and I did. For example, with the scavenger hunt one, she said she honestly forgot and didn’t understand the big deal, if my kids were also having fun. I told her, the big deal was that I didn’t have fun and it took time away from me spending it with just my kids.
Her: What’s the point of a group vacation if everyone is doing their own thing.
I told her that coming together to do bonfires, bbqs and stuff is fun but we also come up here to spend time with our individual families and all of us chipping in towards a nice cottage, allows us to do that.
She then went into a rant about how different she and I are because she believes that if all the children had fun at the end of the day, that’s what she cares about most. When you decide to have kids, you give away your freedom for your children and everything becomes about them.
Our conversation wasn’t going anywhere really, so I told her that I just don’t want to have to think about multiple children on a vacation. The only children I want to think about are mine. I also don’t think it’s fair for my other friends to have to keep an eye on her kids when that’s not what they planned to do.
Next thing she says is that she understands and didn’t mean to put her kids on us but it’s hard, also with her husband not helping, how she deals with her kids every single minute of the day and the one week in the summer where she wants to relax a little, the world does not let her. If she is drowning and asking for a lifeline and no one helps, then what is she supposed to do. She knows its no one’s fault but her own but she wishes, she could meet someone who could selflessly help once in awhile because that’s what she would do if she saw someone in her situation.
Then goes into another rant of all the ways she’s helped people despite her situation.
I say I sympathize with her but that unfortunately I can’t be that person for…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1doxxro/aiw_for_not_wanting_to_invite_a_friend_and_her/
Then goes into another rant of all the ways she’s helped people despite her situation.
I say I sympathize with her but that unfortunately I can’t be that person for you because I have to put my family’s needs first. That I will never be the person that will let my family suffer, even for a little while for the sake of wanting to help someone else. Asked her if hiring a nanny for the week on the trip was possible to help relieve some of the stress.
That was when she got mad and said that I am just like everyone else who will never understand and hung up on me.
Later she send me text saying:
I just wanted to say that I am not mad that we are not going. It’s more so the fact that you already decided that you don’t want me there without giving me the chance to come up with a solution. It’s clear that you see my kids and I as a burden. It just hurts that all this while you claim to be my friend and want to be there for me but then ditch me after you built up my hope for a friendship. Suggesting me finding a nanny is crazy. You know that I couldn’t afford that. Those who’ve had an easy life will never understand. And It’s like they say, no one really cares. Enjoy your trip. I have a lot to think about.
I haven’t responded and I don’t plan to. I just feel as if everything I have done for her is not appreciated. I have been the listening ear for to vent to. I’ve invited her family over lots of times for dinners. My husband helped drive her and husband around a few times when they didn’t have a car. I got my friends on board with letting her not pay her share for the cottage booking and had her only chip in for food. She also knows that my life has not been the easiest.
I booked the cottage now and I’m excited for the upcoming trip with my other friends.
Relevant Comments:
Humble_Guidance_6942:
I’m so proud of you for taking a stand for yourself. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. She had five kids with a non-helpful life partner. Most people get the memo after two. Of course she is trying to guilt you. Her family got a free vacation and she got unlimited free babysitting.
ArmadilloDays:
Sounds like you approached it as maturely as you could, and it was never going to have a happy ending because you were not going to give her what she wanted - a break from being a mom.
WhoKnows1973:
An all expenses paid break. Everything was free for her family only while everyone else chipped in extra to cover them.
Even worse, she acted entitled to the free babysitting and and was not thankful or appreciative.
Objective_Dark_4258:
She is full of shit. She goes on a rant about “what she cares about most. When you decide to have kids, you give away your freedom for your children and everything becomes about them.” And then in the next moment “deals with her kids every single minute of the day and the one week in the summer where she wants to relax a little, the world does not let her”. From the very last she is trying to guilt you and not take any responsibility. It is gross that she uses her kids to manipulate other people, “her kids will be so disappointed.”
OOP:
I don’t think she even realizes how toxic she is becoming. She goes on and on about stuff that contradict each other and I am starting to realize that now. She’s just as much exhausting as her children. My last wish for her as her former friend is that she learns to stand up to her husband. All this resentment is not good for her.
SnowWhiteCampCat:
Lmfao! Well done lady! She’s so full of shit and you didn’t stand for any of it!
All of her problems are consequences of Her choices. She chose to have 5, FIVE, kids with a guy who doesn’t help, and without the funds to hire help. She chose to foster her kids off on everyone else last year, then cries unfair when she’s called out on it.
She’d help out anyone who needed it? Sure Jan. But did she take all the kids on any hours long outings last year? Nope. You and the others did. She’s drowning and asking for a lifeline? Nope. She didn’t ask. She lied and manipulated.
She can plan her own camping trip for her kids. My mom did. Boke, single patent, 2 kids. She found a community and joined in. She needs to find a church, a neighbourhood group, hell. If one doesn’t exist- Make One. Don’t use your friends as free unconsentual childcare then cry poverty when they rightly complain.
Editor’s Note: OOP says she’s not planning on responding to the friend, effectively ending the friendship, so I am marking this as concluded.
Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.
