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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/swtogirl on 2024-06-26 14:35:38+00:00.
I am not OOP. OOP is u/No-Professor-8187 and they posted on r/relationship_advice
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.
Trigger Warning: mentions of past abuse, threats of suicide, suspected abuse
Mood Spoiler: super sweet and palate-cleansing
I’m worried Im 22m abusing my girlfriend 20f because of a TikTok I saw, is this warranted? June 18, 2024
So for background, my past relationship was very abusive (on her part), it started with lovebombing and moving forward ridiculously quickly, then onto her threatening to take her own life, pointless arguing 24/7, lying about things like going into a Psych ward, making me stop being friends with several people, cheating etc.
Luckily, I got out of that over a year ago after two years of going through it. Fast forward to now, my current girlfriend is an absolute sweetheart. She spoils me and treats me amazing, we currently live together and have cats, and our personalities mix so well and I hope I treat her just as well as she treats me. However, a big part of how we display love, at least I do is physical playing. I tickle her, we like to bump into each other on sidewalks to throw each other off, we do that “taser” thing to each other (where you poke under the rib cage) when we’re caught off guard and I like to try to hide and scare her. She’s never vocalized any discontent with anything and the things she has I immediately stopped doing.
However, I saw a post on TikTok today saying physical abuse tends to start these ways as a form of “testing limits” and as someone who’s been on the receiving end of that and was raised by abusive/narcissistic people, I haven’t been able to stop overthinking it. I mean, the comments were off on the post so maybe it received a large amount of backlash but I have no way of knowing and maybe I am abusing her without realizing it. What should I do?
For context, the post said: “Did you know physical abuse can start as flicking, poking, biting, tickling, squeezing, throwing things, knocking you off balance, and laying on you?”
Relevant Comments:
For context the post said: “did you know physical abuse can start as: flicking, poking, biting, tickling, squeezing, throwing things, knocking you off balance, and laying on you?”
This is true. However, the difference between your relationship and the kind the post describes is that in your relationship, you both consent to and enjoy these behaviors, there is not a power imbalance, and you are not doing these things to maintain power and control over her or to cause her fear and intimidation.
You’re not testing limits. You are playing with your girlfriend. There’s a very big difference. People testing limits tend to:
*Not respect when you say no
*Whine, cajole, coerce, and guilt when told no
*Make it so unpleasant to say no that the other person stops saying no, then slowly escalate their behavior
She’s never vocalized any discontent with anything and the things she has I immediately stopped doing
This is the difference right here. The testing limits abusive kind don’t stop doing it when they’re told it’s unwanted.
I think it would be fine to remind her that if she ever felt uncomfortable with your poking, pushing, tickling, etc, to let you know and you’ll stop immediately.
OOP:
I did tonight, after she was done with her bath I showed her the TikTok and we talked. She gave le some reassurance and I feel a bit better. I just overthink a lot and I know there a lot I do that I do need to work on as a result of past abusive relationships.
Op you Sound like a delightful human being. Your concern shows that you aren’t abusing your partner because you stop when she shows she doesn’t like something and you’re loving and caring towards each other. That’s respect and abusers don’t tend to have respect for the person they are abusing. To make yourself feel better, maybe you guys can talk about it and set limits or boundaries about how “far” your playfulness goes so you’re both comfortable and aware of each others limits. Best to you both!
OOP:
Thank you very much from this, posting about this in the end has been a really positive experience that promoted a really good conversation with my girlfriend. I definitely feel a lot better now
autadelia (OOP’s girlfriend):
i love you <3
OOP:
Not even an alt account is safe with this one…
Wait stop this is so cute 🥺
Update June 19, 2024
After that post received an insane amount of attention me and my girlfriend wanted to address a few things.
First, there were a lot of comments calling the post fake, honestly I wish. When I posted it yesterday I wasn’t exactly having a great time and was dealing with a lot. She didn’t “find the alt account” per se, but I did forget she knew about it. She knew I posted something on Reddit and went and found it herself while she was in the bedroom. I can’t confirm that this wasn’t some whole plot for upvotes lmao but if this helps at all here
Before addressing any of the negative leaning comments I did want to say thank you, a lot of the replies made me feel way more normal with how me and her interact and it prompted a really good discussion with her about boundaries and things that we like/don’t like. Also, we’ve both loved reading everyone’s replies, she really is the sweetest human ever and I truly don’t know I got so lucky with her.
Lastly, There were a lot of comments that were almost mad that I “took advice from a TikTok”. Yesterday I made this post while I was having a bit of a rough moment. For some background I was raised by an abusive parent, spent years dealing with custody battles, narcissism etc and just about a year ago got out of a long term abusive relationship. I think anyone that grows up with that is going to have the fear of “growing up to be them” and with me that’s certainly still the case. My girlfriend is great, and I overthink a lot about how I treat her because she treats me so well. So when I saw that post, everything considered, it did shake me up a bit.
To wrap it up, I’m feeling a lot better now, we’re both laying on the couch together reading everyone’s replies, and to the people that asked I will certainly update once we’re married.
Relevant Comments:
Another good step in the right direction. Now take the next and most important:You need to seek therapy for yourself.
While a good relationship is about support and reassurance, your gf can’t be your only source for this. Your trauma, self doubt, the lingering effects, and your coping mechanisms are your responsibility. Constantly usi…
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RaiseIreSetFires:
Another good step in the right direction. Now take the next and most important:You need to seek therapy for yourself.
While a good relationship is about support and reassurance, your gf can’t be your only source for this. Your trauma, self doubt, the lingering effects, and your coping mechanisms are your responsibility. Constantly using your gf as your main source of support will wear down any relationship, no matter how wonderful, and cause resentment. It’s also a form of abuse.
You sound like a great person, who’s found a great person, don’t let your past ruin it by not doing everything you can to overcome it.
kmcaulifflower:
I’d rather my partner be concerned he was being abusive unintentionally and we figure it out than my partner be abusive unintentionally but not have the self awareness to realize. Be proud that you care about your significant other enough to look inwards with a critical eye and ensure that you are treating her how she deserves to be treated. Next time you have concerns, talk to your girlfriend and express your concerns for your own behavior and ask how she feels about and trust what she says. You two are a small amount of work away from being a perfect couple, honestly my only notes are don’t talk to reddit, talk to her and trust what she says. None of either of y’all’s comments give me the impression that you guys feel unsafe talking to each other so treasure that and talk it up. You two are incredible and I hope y’all go all the way as long as you both are happy. And stay goofy. 🩷
Legitimate-Poetry162:
Ah congratulations to self awareness, maturity, and general empathy and concern towards your loved ones! Did you know they have to teach this to college students in a class called success is college? It’s insane. I am happy to see you concern and resolve thereof. While the sneaky part of your girlfriend snooping for ur post probably wasn’t great… I’ll admit that I am also a woman that would do this. The fact that it didn’t end in an explosion or argument IS great. I hope you too stay healthy and happy for a very long time!
autadelia:
i needed to make sure everyone was being nice and not saying that he was abusing me, apologies, but i did not have the most faith in reddit lol
Legitimate-Poetry162:
Hahahaha still confused on why you looked, what exactly did he say that made u know he posted?
autadelia:
he was being weird and i think i saw a reddit notification and kinda put the pieces together or somethin like that. i do just know him really well and i just knew (he’s wrong i asked if he posted it he didn’t tell me right away)
OOP:
To be fair, and I honestly should have addressed this, her finding it was after we talked about it, and after I told her I posted it on Reddit. It wasn’t really a sneaky thing after I’d already expressed I put that out and I wasn’t offended by it at all. I get your concern though 100%
Legitimate-Poetry162:
Not really much concern here from me! I don’t see it as super unhealthy. Some of us are just naturally born detectives. Thanks for clarifying though as to how she found out ahahahaha!!!
SpikedScarf:
I’ve noticed an ongoing problematic trend in relationship subreddits, literally any post that mentions a male being abused is called out as fake, yet we have posts where a woman’s partner literally acts like a cartoon villain or worships his mother like a god and is blind to his mother’s abuse and it is the bible or some shit. I’ve also noticed that there is an extremely loud minority that will literally twist the narrative and LEAP to conclusions just to make the guy seem bad.
autadelia:
this was why i looked for his post in the first place. i was scared people would feed into him being anxious and make him think he was actually abusing me lol
Editor’s Note: Although OOP has said he will update when he and his girlfriend get married, the issue he posted about is resolved, so I am marking this concluded.
Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.
