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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-06-27 04:00:04+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/SensitiveRespond4513
AITA for telling my nephew that his birthday present was sold behind his back?
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole r/relationship_advice & r/AITAH
TRIGGER WARNING: child neglect, manipulation, exploitation, medical diagnosis problems
Original Post Aug 27, 2023
I’m angry but would like perspective. Throwaway because family uses Reddit.
I am unmarried and do not have children so I don’t understand this situation from a parent’s standpoint. I have a niece, Kay 21, and a nephew, Joe 16. My sister and her husband have spent the last few years (since the pandemic started) trying to get Kay sorted. By that I mean she has a lot of unexplained ailments. They’ve been seeing specialists, chiropractors, acupuncture, etc. To this day I’m still not entirely sure what is wrong. Kay posts on social media a lot about feeling fatigued, having migraines, weakness, and other symptoms along with her various appointments. Personally I worry this is being driven by attention because it has become her entire personality.
I try to help Kay when I can (I’ve taken her to a few appointments because she doesn’t drive) but I’ve tried to be present mostly for Joe who is overshadowed by all of this. Joe is a very simple young man and doesn’t ask for much but I can tell he wants some attention. He makes this known by pushing himself in sports, getting the best grades, getting a job, and trying to be as independent as possible. He’s 16 but acts 20. It kind of sucks to watch.
For his birthday I bought two tickets to a football game and transferred them to my sister so that she or her husband could take him. I told them that if they absolutely couldn’t then I would but they accepted the tickets. Fast forward a couple weeks later and I see a post from my sister selling two football game tickets and they were very quickly bought. I confronted her and said those tickets were for Joe. Her response was they needed help covering new allergy testing for Kay and that’s what the money would be used for.
I took Joe to lunch yesterday and asked him how he is really doing. He was honest and said he doesn’t feel like an equal member of his family and I told him I see it too. I asked him why he agreed to sell his birthday tickets and learned he never did and never even knew anything about them. I told him the sequence of events. He was quiet for a bit and then sighed and accepted it. To my surprise he must have said something to his parents because they called me for a conversation, accusing me of being an AH and saying I hurt Joe’s feelings and that he was better off not knowing. I disagree wholeheartedly but am open to other perspectives. AITA?
And yes I am trying to buy new tickets for Joe.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
sherlocked27
NTA. You should have taken him. Hindsight is 20-20.
OOP
I agree. I told them specifically it was for one of them to spend some damn time with him and if they absolutely couldn’t then I would. Gladly of course, but my hope was they would take the free opportunity.
OOP adds a couple examples of Kay’s manipulation
Most recent I can think of was July 4. We were having a cookout and she said she was not feeling well and wanted to walk to the convenience store to buy pepto or something (I can’t remember) but she’d left her wallet at home. She asked me for $10 which I gave her. She asked Joe for $10 too but he pointed out to her that I’d already given it to her. She said she forgot though it hadn’t even been 5 minutes.
When she came back she had a white claw (or something). I asked how she got it without her wallet and she said she ended up finding her wallet but she still used my $10 to buy medicine.
I didn’t raise the issue further but it was one of a few that I haven’t appreciated being involved in or hearing about.
&
Their collective efforts to help Kay be comfortable and figured out is what is leading to this and other issues for Joe. He spent his 15th birthday at home by himself all day because Kay made a slew of appointments for the same date, and even though it only takes one of them to drive her, they both insist on going to as many as they can together. That’s why I wanted one of him to take him to the damn game.
Unfortunately the pattern I’ve seen emerge is that instead of Kay recognizing how much Joe is cast aside, she doubles down on needing both of their attention very, very frequently.
VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE
UPDATE:
I’ll try to respond to people as I can. I spoke with Joe individually today. I’m not surprised, but he said he confronted them because he wanted them to give me the money back. As usual the kid is thinking of others.
While I don’t want to be accused of trying to turn him against his parents, I do want to follow his lead in regards to him potentially staying with me. That said, I am going to make more of an effort to spend more time with him.
As far as Kay is concerned. I know her health issues are very real and I want more than nothing for her to feel well. However, she has been behaving manipulatively towards her parents, grandparents, myself, and Joe for a while now. Again, I worry that how she is dealing with her ailments is unhealthy for her and the family. We all support her and do what we can to support her and help her to be well.
What are some ways I (45M) can share concerns with my family (21F, 40F, 44M) while being both stern and supportive? Aug 28, 2023
Reddit surprised me with some very thoughtful perspective recently, so I am trying my luck again here.
TLDR (had to look up what that meant!): What are some ways I can share concerns with my adult niece and her parents while being stern but also supportive?
I want to have a conversation with my sister (40F), her husband (44M) and their daughter (21F). The issues are two-fold. First, my niece is coping with some health challenges. I am deeply concerned that her use of social media to share health updates and the attention she receives is doing some harm and is changing the way she treats members of the family. Second, I have concerns regarding how my sister and her husband are parenting. To respect this sub I won’t share more about that. There is another post elsewhere if more context is desired. To respect this sub please limit feedback to addressing the three adults.
My sister and I are very close. She comes to me for advice when she and her spouse have their spats, she vents to me, and I love her dearly. That said, at times she uses me being unmarried and having no children against me, usually if I share advice she disagrees with or when it wasn’t asked for.
What are some ways I can have an honest discussion, not maliciously, while also emphasizing that I want to help and be supportive?
Concerning Joe and Kay Aug 29, 2023
Thank you to those who have taken interest in my family. Many of you have offered very insightful perspectives and have encouraged me to invest more into both Joe and Kay.
Kay: I can clarify more of what I mean by being concerned about her behavior. The more and more she has used social media to cope with her ailments, the more down she is, and I worry it’s becoming an obsession. Recently we had a dinner with some other extended family members and she was talking to them about her health struggles. I noticed her showing them her social media and the comments she is receiving. She was disengaged from any discussion that was not about her and her health, which drove her back to social media. It worries me greatly. I asked her if there is anything she still likes to do for fun and she gave me some ideas. Her grandmother and I would like to organize some things to get her out of the house to enjoy herself.
Joe: I have asked him more about how he is treated at home and I am concerned. Some of you were worried about his money being taken. He said he has not had any withdrawals from his account. However, he said he is asked regularly to go to the store to get certain medicines or food/beverages to help Kay feel better, and is not compensated. Additionally, they supposedly have a rule that once you are working, you pay for your own cell phone bill. I fully agree with this. However, Joe has been footing Kay’s bill as well, as she is not working.
I am trying to find another date for him and I to attend a football game together. I am not worried about the money being returned. Money is replaceable, time isn’t. It’s okay if anyone disagrees. Since this started I’ve noticed he is not quite his usual self. He told me today that, as his parents have spent more time with Kay over the last couple of years, it feels to him that they’ve become a family unit without him. He said last spring they attended family therapy… while he was in school, so he could not participate, and it really bothered him.
Both Joe and Kay seem defeated, and it pains …
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