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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-06-27 04:02:03+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Flashy_Fly6519

AITA for letting my son help me in the kitchen?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

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TRIGGER WARNING: emotional and verbal abuse,bullying, toxic masculinity, misogyny, homophobia, infidelity

Original Post  Apr 23, 2023

In general sense, I know I am not the TA but I want an unbiased opinion from people in here. I (42F) have 3 sons Jamie (16M), Matt (12M) and Paul (10M) with my husband Charlie (45M). My middle son Matt is a little different from his brothers. His brothers like things that are typically meant for men like sports, gadgets, video games and so on. But Matt is different, he is not a big sports fan. He likes reading and painting. He doesn’t mind doing things that are typically not for boys. Another thing about him is that he is passionate about food. He has been like this since he was 6. He would often come to the kitchen and see me cook and often times offer to help. Well I don’t let him do heavy things like cutting or standing too close to the fire but he would be a helping hand. I call him Ramsey Jr (After Gordon Ramsey). Honestly, I like this arrangement because while I am doing all of the cooking my other boys are in their room. My husband on the other hand is not impressed by Matt. He is a proud father of three sons and often like to do stuffs with them like- teaching them how to play baseball, playing video games, wrestling, watching sports. But Matt is not interested in any of those things. He has said over and over again that those typical things they do doesn’t interest him. My husband would still force him to do it because he thinks it is more important for him to do things that are more masculine with his brother because it creates a bond. I have tried several times to convince my husband that he lot let Matt go and let him do his thing. We eventually reached to a compromise that Matt will do sports and other stuff with them once a week so that he is in touch with his brothers and rest of the time he would do his own activities that he likes.

My husband also doesn’t like that Matt would rather stay in the kitchen with me being my helping hand rather than with him and my other boys. He sometimes tries to criticize him by saying, he shouldn’t be doing girly things or he will not get any girls in the future or he will be made fun off. The incident happened yesterday. I was in the kitchen preparing for lunch. My husband and sons were outside playing football. Paul and Jamie called Matt to come play with them but Matt was not interested. I told him he should go play with his brothers now while I do the meal prep and he can come back during the cooking process. Matt agreed. But he came to the kitchen after 10 minutes and started helping me. My husband was with the boys too. He called Matt several time but Matt didn’t budge. I can see it irritated him. After the lunch, my husband was pissed and told me what I am doing to Matt is going to harm him in the future. I told him how is forcing him to do things he doesn’t like would help him? He wasn’t listening and kept saying things like he needs to be a man and stop doing girly things. And the way I am encouraging him cook and bake things like grandma he would get bullied in school and he doesn’t want a son who is a sissy. I was shocked. I told him he needs to get his head out of his a$$ because cooking is gender neutral. There is nothing wrong with Matt wanting to cook.

My husband got mad and told me I am ruining my son’s future. He doesn’t want him to grow up weak and fragile and making him do “girly things” will make it worse. He needs to learn how to be a man like his dad and learn how to provide rather than take on feminine roles. And just because I couldn’t get a daughter I should stop turning my son into a girl. This turned into a huge fight between him and me and now he is not talking to me. Matt is sad because he things he is the reason why his dad and I fought. I had to assure him that it was not his fault at all. So reddit, aita? Or should I just have told Matt to play with his brother and not come into the kitchen until the lunch is served?

Edit: I have read the comments. I just want to clear out any confusion. My other boys Jamie and Paul do have a good relationship with Matt. Yes they are different and would rather stay in their rooms and do their own thing but none of them have ever bullied Matt or made fun of him for liking things differently. Also, I am a homemaker for now but my husband does help me with some chores like- getting kids ready for school, driving them to school and other extra curriculum, folding the laundry, taking are of the lawn. So, it’s not that I am totally helpless. The kitchen duty is 100% mine because my husband doesn’t know or like to cook.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Spekuloos_Lover

NTA. Every person should know how to cook and it’s far more useful than the ability to kick a ball for the average person. There’s nothing feminine about cooking. You’re just teaching your kid basic skills.

PhDOH

All 3 are old enough to learn how to use knives & cook over heat. I feel OP is over cautious if anything. Also there’s no way the kid will bond with his father & brothers doing something he hates. Their father should spend his once a week bonding time teaching them useful skills like DIY, fixing easy problems around the house, checking the oil & tyres on a car, etc. OP’s the only one that’s helping this kid out with his future.

What are the other 2 going to do as adults? The older 2 should be able to cook a meal for the family by now, & the youngest doing it with help. A friend of mine’s kid was doing cooking competitions at that age, and not simple stuff. Had his own set of knives. They need to know how to wash & iron their own clothes, how to clean a house. I’m guessing their father doesn’t do any of this. How would he cope if OP got hit by a bus?

editedtoadd

I am assuming/hoping OP meant that Matt had those restrictions when he first started at 6, rather than having them currently at 12.

OOP

You are right. When Matt was little I didn’t let him get near the fire or hold the knife. He now knows how to chop and dice without my help. He also knows how to make some basic meals too but want to expand into more creative side of cooking.

Update  May 1, 2023

Hello everyone. I just wanted to say thank you for the comments. I know some of you called me a troll. I don’t know why you think that. I just wanted some unbiased opinion. So anyways, I am here to update on the situation. My husband, Charlie was not letting it go. He insists Matt is wrong for wanting to cook with me. The argument between me and him never truly settled. So, few days ago, he decided to call his dad. He thought since his dad was in the military he would teach Matt some lesson. So, my FIL came to our house. We chatted and talked. Charlie brought up the “issue” with Matt. He just talked about everything starting from his passion for cooking and not being interested in other masculine stuff. FIL was quiet and thought about it. Matt looked scared because FIL looks like a scary guy. FIL told the kids to go to their room because he wants to have a chat with hubby and I. After we were alone, I was expecting FIL blame me but instead he blamed my husband. He said he is really embarrassed of my husband for having such backward thinking. He knows that when FIL was in the military he had to do all his chores and sometimes have to cook. He just loaded on my husband that he is teaching the wrong lesson to Matt. That cooking is a good skill and it will help in real life. Watching sports and video games will not teach him anything valuable. There is more. I cannot write all of it but my husband looked really defeated. He tried to argue that Matt needs to do tough things but FIL shut that down by saying he has the nerve to say cooking is easy when he probably can’t boil water. Honestly, it was funny to watch my husband being berated by his dad like a kid.

FIL then called the boys to the room and told us to give them privacy. We were outside, I was looking at my boys through the slit of the door. Matt looks relaxed but the heads of Jamie and Paul was down. Long story short, FIL told my boy to not bother Matt anymore. He also instructed that my boys help me in the kitchen once a week to learn how to manage home. He also told Matt to not be scared and do whatever he likes. I am glad Charlie brought him to our house even if his plans backfired. I thought after FIL left there will be peace. My husband would be normal and understand but he was sulking and moping around. I asked him continuously what happened, he did…

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