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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-06-28 04:00:01+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Kimboisin
AITAH for telling my sister it doesn’t matter how anyone else feels about my wife’s assistance dog?
Originally posted to r/AITAH
Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism
Original Post June 20, 2024
My wife and I live in a different state to my family, however we often travel back to my home state for special family occasions, birthdays and Xmas for example. My wife is a 22 year military veteran and when she discharged it was medically, she has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression and has spent several stints in psychiatric hospital, one for four months. She was prescribed an assistance (service) dog who we have trained up under the supervision of a registered organisation and she (we’ll call her Daisy) is formally qualified and papered. She goes pretty much wherever we go, including interstate flying in the cabin of the plane, with my wife in an ambulance to hospital, and also was interned with her at psychiatric units. My family are all aware of this and mostly supportive.
However the last time we visited for my niece’s 21 st birthday, I was questioned by both my sister and my niece about whether Daisy was accompanying my wife to the party, which I responded that she was, as my wife really struggles in loud crowded environments (there was about 80 people and loud music together in one room). My niece suggested several reasons why Daisy shouldn’t go, loud music , balloons, lots of people… which I assured her Daisy was fine with - and they already know this being very familiar with Daisy’s very calm temperament. My sister then spoke to me after my niece and also said similar things, not outright saying, but heavily suggesting it would be better if Daisy didn’t attend. I just said if my wife feels she needs her, she will be attending. Sometimes my wife has been able to do small things without her, but never big events like parties, even shopping centres and restaurants Daisy comes with her.
Anyway, the party came and went, my wife had to take 4 Valium to cope, but managed to sit through the evening with Daisy by her side at her feet at a table, other people throughout the evening went over to talk to her and most didn’t even notice Daisy was there. For myself, I’m used to my wife’s conditions and knew that although she was struggling, she was coping and even enjoying talking to people at times. I danced the night away, periodically sitting down beside my wife and checking in.
After the party was over, we had a few days at my sister’s house where the topic of her son’s impending wedding came up. Again I was asked by my sister if my wife would be taking Daisy. I again said yes, more than likely (for the same reasons as the 21: lots of people, loud noises, crowded environment). Again if was inferred that the event wouldn’t be suitable for Daisy, the tables were really crowded, lots of people, plus my sister suggested that if my wife didn’t have Daisy she would be able to get up and dance! Before my wife had her breakdown, she was not a dancer and now with her anxiety, there’s no way she’d be comfortable out on a dance floor! I was so taken aback I didn’t know how to respond. My wife heard my sister talking to me and so she suggested she only go to the ceremony and skip the reception to avoid my sister getting stressed out about her dog. My sister snapped ‘they’re at the same venue!’ then softened it with ‘of course we want you to come’. Both my wife and I felt very uncomfortable and kept reassuring my sister Daisy would be fine as she has been taught to sit under my wife’s chair out of the way… it felt like the concerns raised weren’t genuine concerns but just a way to feel like Daisy was unwelcome.
We flew back home not long after and this is where I may be TA. We woke up the next morning and the first words out of my wife’s mouth were ‘maybe and should just stay home for the wedding and you go by yourself so I don’t stress your sister out by taking Daisy’. I felt so bad for her, it’s taken such a long time for her to feel comfortable in going out in public, and Daisy has been instrumental in that, and now my family were making her feel like she wasn’t welcome with her assistance dog.
I reassured her but later in the day I rang my sister and told her what my wife had said, and that perhaps more care could be taken to make sure my wife wasn’t left feeling that her conditions were not considered. I told her my wife had said perhaps she shouldn’t go to avoid stressing her out and my sister just said ‘yes and?’ To which I replied that she had been prescribed a dog for a reason, and without her dog my wife would likely not go anywhere (like she used to). My wife said well she was better last time she was down, she didn’t take her everywhere, I explained that mental health goes up and down, last time she was doing a bit better however she’d just been sick and was put on medication that messed with her regular meds and so was only just coming out of that. Also I reminded my sister the last time we didn’t really go out apart from to a restaurant , to which Daisy also came. I just feel like I’m constantly trying to ‘prove’ my wife’s medical conditions, even her PTSD has been questioned as (my sister’s words) ‘she didn’t go to Afghanistan’. She even had her best friend question me about it. I’m tempted to tell them some of my wife’s horror stories, but I just keep it general so they don’t get second hand trauma.
My sister also said that she ‘had to think about other people’ and I said why? Does someone have a problem with Daisy attending, and she said her son (my nephew) and his future wife had spoken to her about it. I said well I’ll ring them then, which she hastily replied, no you can’t, they spoke to me in confidence. I said I just don’t understand what you are trying to achieve, and she said it’s not just about you, I have to think of other people. I said well you wouldn’t be asking Nonna if she was bring her wheely walker, and she said actually Nonna might be in a wheelchair so I’ll have to put her at the end of the table, to which I snapped and said yes, but you wouldn’t tell her she’s not allowed to bring her wheelchair! And she replied, I didn’t say you couldn’t bring Daisy! I said back that it was disingenuous to pretend that your questions aren’t designed to make us feel like she shouldn’t be coming. To which she replied that she couldnt handle this stress I was causing her and she said goodbye and hung up.
So aitah for calling my sister out on all her questions regarding my wife’s assistance dog? Am I too sensitive (like my sister said)?
Update June 21, 2024
Original post here
After reading the supportive comments from (almost) everyone, I ended up ringing my nephew. Firstly, a few clarifications.
One, I am a woman, it’s a same sex marriage so am not her husband but her wife.
Two, her Valium is only 2mg, she took 4 that night which is 8mg, which means she was nowhere near ‘whacked out of mind’ like some suggested. She has 5mg tablets as well but prefers to titrate the dose herself in 2mg increments for precisely that reason.
Three, yes I was up dancing the night away, and this does not make me a monster, we rarely go out, and when we do my wife loves seeing me enjoy myself and letting my hair down, as much of my life is in service to her and her conditions. She gets enjoyment from me having fun too. Plus the dance floor was like 3 metres from where she was sitting and I could see her watching me and smiling.
Four, please refrain from calling my sister nasty names, yes she is out of line here but she (and her kids) are my only immediate family and are very important to me. Going NC would hurt me as much as her.
Anyway, for the update. I rang my nephew and asked him if he and his bride had a problem with Daisy accompanying my wife to their wedding as my sister was suggesting they did. I said that while my sister hadn’t directly said Daisy couldn’t go, it was being heavily implied that she wasn’t welcome. My nephew seemed kind of confused initially and didn’t really answer the question other than to say he hadn’t really thought about it. I wondered then if he was being cagey so I asked him for his total honesty and he said that when he spoke to his mum… then he stopped and said ‘actually, mum spoke to ME’ he also told her he hadn’t thought about it. He then said he hadn’t even asked his fiance yet.
I told him my anxiety was really high over this and I just needed to know how he felt, and he said, ‘I guess I just assumed Daisy would be going with (your wife), as they’re kind of a package deal’ I got quite emotional hearing this, and he told me not to worry, that everything must have been blown out of proportion, and so long as my wife was ok. He’s always been a really caring kid which is why I had my suspicions that my sister wasn’t being totally honest. Anyway we chatted some more, he told me to stop crying otherwise he’d cry at work and all his mates would laugh at him, which made me laugh. He sa…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dqaly5/aitah_for_telling_my_sister_it_doesnt_matter_how/
I told him my anxiety was really high over this and I just needed to know how he felt, and he said, ‘I guess I just assumed Daisy would be going with (your wife), as they’re kind of a package deal’ I got quite emotional hearing this, and he told me not to worry, that everything must have been blown out of proportion, and so long as my wife was ok. He’s always been a really caring kid which is why I had my suspicions that my sister wasn’t being totally honest. Anyway we chatted some more, he told me to stop crying otherwise he’d cry at work and all his mates would laugh at him, which made me laugh. He said he’d ring his mum, so I guess shit is going to hit the fan.
I have several stress related conditions because of what I’ve been through keeping my wife alive so I really struggle these days with anxiety, I have MINOCA and have had a heart attack in the past from stress (Takastubo). I’ve been having really bad chest pain from this and stomach upset so although I was tempted to tell my nephew not to call his mum, I need a resolution one way or another. The limbo is too difficult to manage. So I guess there will be another update.
OOP Adds additional info
Comment 1
Thank you so much for your considered reply and your service too. My wife is on medication that helps (it’s taken a few years to get it right) and she sees a psychiatrist and psychologist every fortnight, and is linked in with other VA services. She has also given up alcohol (she drinks zero percent beers now which she says are great), and she undertakes an exercise program. It’s taken a looog time and a ton of effort of her behalf to get to this point, and a lot of input and help from me. That’s why I’m so protective of her, I know the hell she has been through to get to the point where she can even consider going to big events. Everyone else just thinks ‘she’s fine’. I still see her nightmares at night, her sitting in the car willing the courage to get out with Daisy at the shops, her anxiety rising in crowds, her bad days in the privacy at home , etc etc… you know the story. I’ve tried to encourage her to link up with other veterans but she finds some people too triggering, and we’ve had a couple of instances where vets have been inappropriate (because they are unwell). She may consider it again but right now she keeps her bubble small. Thank you for your kind words, I’m not the perfect partner all the time but I do give it 100% effort that’s for sure. She deserves it. And so do you.
Comment 2
My wife has had a seizure in the past from PTSD nightmares, but it was only once. My sister knows she’s been hospitalised, she’s seen her not be able to get out of bed for days with migraines… but it seems when my wife is functioning ‘better’, that is all forgotten. My wife is very good at hiding her illnesses too (years of being in the military teaches you that!). But I don’t think it’s specific to my wife, when I was in hospital with a perforated bowel I felt that was minimised by my sister too. Unless it’s happened to her she seems to struggle to empathise at times. But is very caring sometimes too… it’s really confusing. My sister is a very complicated person. She has suffered the trauma of losing my mum, like I did, quite young, and her death was quite horrific, my sister has very bad anxiety and I guess that’s where the extreme need for control comes from too. I have control issues too, although not to the same degree, and I work really hard on letting go. My sister seems to be getter worse, but she won’t recognise the problem, and won’t get help. And no one ( apart from me, occasionally) stands up to her. My niece tries too but it doesn’t go well at all.
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