This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-07-02 04:02:05+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/babemiller

AITA for calling MIL by her last name instead of Grandma?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation

Original Post  Sept 3, 2020

My relationship to my MIL, “Mrs Smith,” is crap. She’s cold to me because I kept my last name, Miller. She says “I’ll treat her like family when she wants to be part of it.” She calls me “Jake’s friend.” My husband Jake loves me all the same. He doesn’t bother standing up to her because it’s a way for her to start a fight. We rarely talk to her. She makes no effort. Neither do we.

Jake and I had discussed whose last name our kid would have prior to the birth. He initiated the conversation. I’d left the decision up to him.

After the birth, the families visited at the hospital. Jake asked what our Sons last name was gonna be. I told him it was still his choice. He smiled and said “little Baby Miller, I like it.” He filled out the paper work. MIL looked livid. She started asking questions but my dad started crying. Both of my brothers have died. Dad has never mentioned it but I know passing the last name down makes him happy. Neither Jake or I anticipated this nor did it for this reason but it was sweet all the same.

After she left MIL let people know what I had done. And how now she wouldn’t feel like a grandmother. A month later a SIL announced her pregnancy. MIL said “fianlly! I’ll feel like a grandmother!” Again, my husband didn’t say anything, neither did I.

Our son started talking. During a video call, where my MIL did nothing but gush about SILs daughter, who is adorable, Jake was trying to get the baby to talk. Son lost interest, I took Son and Jake let MIL ramble some more before ending the call. MIL said she wanted to say bye to Son. Jake turned the phone. MIL said “say bye to grandma! Make Son say it! I’m grandma now!” I snapped inside so I said “say ‘bye Mrs Smith.’” My MIL face dropped, Jake turned the camera away and said bye quickly. He laughed, said I was awesome, but we better put our phones on silent.

The only call/text I responded to was the other SIL who said I didn’t need to go out of my way to be nasty. That MIL went around saying how excited she was about Son (lie). That her initial comments were understandable because I talked Jake out of tradition (I DID NOT) and that I’d hurt MIL. MIL needed time to adjust. I said “thank you for your input.”

MIL texted eventually saying I’d really upset her. I said “here I was, trying to respect the importance you feel to last names. You’ve said multiple times I’m not family because of my last name. You made it more than clear that’s the reason my child doesn’t make you feel like a grandma. Now you’ll be known as Mrs Smith.”  She said sorry, she didn’t mean it that way, but that my dad’s reaction was an example of how important last names are. I now had to forgive her because family.

It made me angrier that she brought my dad into this and I can’t tell if I’m being TA or not.

Edit. Thank you again to everyone who gave awards! It was very kind of you and I do appreciate it.

Jake is home and I had him read the post. Some of you really cracked him up. Some made good points which we have discussed.

Apparently he also got a text from his sister and asked how much money she got from MIL for telling me off. He also made sure to tell SIL who had the baby that we hold nothing against her, should MIL try to spin it that way. She knows MIL better thankfully.

Jake would also like to tell those who are telling me I should take his name that he disagrees and he’s not about the sexism you’re spewing. Though he does now want to send MIL a Christmas card from “The Millers”.

Edit 2. You guys are being great. I woke up to many more responses than I anticipated. Thank you.

Just to clarify, my son will not be calling MIL Mrs Smith. They barely have a relationship as he’s still a baby and MIL makes no effort.

After some discussion, Jake is gonna take time to figure out what he wants from MIL and if he thinks that’s possible.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Can I just say your marriage sounds great? The way you wanted the baby’s lastname to be his choice and he chose yours? There’s so much love and respect here. Also I like how he stands by your side in his mother’s nonsense. You both are awesome. NTA.

OOP

I just assumed our son would have his. He brought it up. He said it was fair since I was doing all the work. He said if he pushed a human out of him he’d want to put his name on it. Which makes me laugh. I still let it be his choice because regardless of his name, I’m gonna love this kid. If we have a second, I may insist they get his last name. Seems fair.

I am a very lucky woman, but it should be noted he wears his gross shoes through the house, so not perfect. But he says I sleep like an MMA fighter so I suppose we’re even

OOP responds to a comment that answers many points

Here

““I don’t see a reason why you were angry when she told you about you father’s reaction. Seems a pretty valid point, the importance that the last name has for your father and her. This observation doesn’t excuse her actions but still a good point… I mean, for what you have said seems like your dad would have done any nasty comments but him crying shows how important it is for some people.””

MIL divorced the man who’s last name she took. It wasn’t even her original name. And she has another son who is going to have kids. My husband wasn’t her only option. And my father lost two sons. My dads reaction comes from a very different emotional place. And frankly, he knew he wasn’t entitled to it. He simply appreciates it. Even FIL didn’t care. And again, this decision was made by my husband, with my full support. Why isn’t she mad at him?

““I’m not sure if this how you should say it “taste of her own medicine”. It was a good move to show her how unrespectful she was doing the same and calling her by her last name was a good move indeed… But now that she is taking accountability (I think that’s the word), it would be a jerk move keep calling her in that way. Maybe you can use this to out boundaries to her actions so it would be smart to get an agreement instead of keeping the lastname war.””

I’m not gonna keep calling her that. I’m currently discussing with my husband what we should do.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Update  Oct 23, 2020

Jake and I appreciated all the support. Though Jake wants the DMers to know that he’s okay with me taking his balls because he loses everything anyway. This brought him a good chuckle before the serious talk. We both also want to be very clear that taking his name was never on the table, nor does he care. I also do want to say I know how great Jake is. Though since the post he’s been “demanding” I thank “the worlds best husband” anytime he does something for me. His humor is my favorite part of him.

Because it’s his mom, I let him decide how to handle it. We both did agree that our son would obviously know MIL as his grandma, but he wouldn’t have a relationship with her unless she addressed the blatant favoritism.

That conversation did not go well. She denied having favorites, lied about pretty much everything, then told me the compromise she was willing to make was that if she had to accept me for who I am (being that I kept that name) I’d have to accept her for who she is. I didn’t respond before Jake ripped into her about how she didn’t get to make demands. That she was critical of me, assumed things that he already told her weren’t true. That this conversation was happening because we didn’t accept who she was. He said if he ever heard her make another comment about the Miller last name, he’d take it. She started crying about losing her family and he hung up.

One SIL, who is MILs favorite child, sent me a nasty message including the line “I wonder if your dead brother would happy you used him to break MILs heart.” I sent the screenshot to MIL and said “call off your dog or I’ll take her to the pound.” I have sent a screenshot of that to anyone who has tried to question me. If they tried to defend MIL or SIL, I blocked them. Word got around quickly about this and now SIL is all but cut out of FILs side of the family. Even FIL has come down on her hard. SIL is desperately trying to apologize and fix this. She even allowed Jake to read everything MIL sent to her about my last name. I tried to read some of it but stopped. I don’t want to be angry. I’m taking time to decide how to handle this.

I am happy to be done with MIL. She never really bothered me. It does takes a lot to get to me. But I don’t want her behavior and attitudes being normalized with my son. I wasn’t prepared for motherhood to have such a strong effect.

Jake did admit he gave Son my last name for my dad. Years ago my dad asked if Jake was gonna propose to me. Jake said if my dad wanted to know he would give him a heads up but he wouldn’t ask for his blessing or permission. In many more words, d…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dtcrka/aita_for_calling_mil_by_her_last_name_instead_of/