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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-07-03 04:00:03+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/GreatestThrow-man
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/AITAH
AITA for not wanting to walk her down the aisle or lie in a speech?
Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: manipulation, mild ableism, obsessive behavior
Original Post: May 10, 2024
I (41M) have two kids with my ex wife, (42F) a son John(22) and daughter Sally (20), I’m remarried to my wife (28). I’m very close with my kids, my son is engaged to Abbie, she seems nice but has been a bit pushy trying to create relationships with me and my wife, though she’s also awkward with her. Abbie isn’t close to her family, she told us many stories why and while some of her complaints don’t seem awful, it’s not my place to judge and I didn’t live it so I can’t know anyway.
We’ve tried to be welcoming but Abbie has forced her way into some family traditions where she wouldn’t have been invited, and some where no one outside of specific family would have. She has been calling Sally “sis” since they were only dating a few months, has an odd sister/mother-in-law thing she does with my wife, and the one I’m not a fan of, wants me to be like father to her. Not because we’ve clicked or anything. We are very different people, not saying that in a bad way, just saying it’s not based on how we get along or anything.
My kids and I have a tradition when they come over that we have a private catch-up in my office/study before they leave, which is now even more important to them because while they both get along well with my wife they don’t want to have personal conversations around her yet. Abbie asked if we could talk, and after I explained the tradition John later asked that I do it, saying she’d never had a caring conversation with her dad.
We compromised that I didn’t include her in the tradition but do join the two of them for coffee and let her talk. Then she started calling me dad, they werent even engaged yet, John pulled me aside and begged me to give her that, laid this whole thing on me about me always being the dad she always wanted right in front of her and she just wanted that, told me she cried watching me and Sally together (she still gives me random hugs, I’m a lucky dad). I didn’t like it but I do feel bad so fine I gave her that. She wants me to walk her down the aisle and the father/daughter dance. I don’t want to walk her down, and I walk with a cane so dancing is hard. At my own wedding I only danced twice. John is begging for me to do one, preferably the aisle.
They came over Sunday, John and I were talking, I thought to address it, when Ab walked in without knocking, asking if he’d told me yet. I asked what, John said she wanted me to say something about having a second daughter now in my speech and how I loved her. I just looked at him. She asked if I’d do the walk and dance for Sally, I said of course. She yelled she’s my daughter too and I said it will never be the same, Sally is my actual daughter. I tried to explain I’d talk about her being a happy addition to the family and I love how happy she makes Jack, which i thought was a good compromise, but she started crying. John apologized and they left, but he called me when they were home nearly begging me to. AITA because I won’t lie and say I love her or she’s my daughter.
VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE
Relevant Comments
FuzzyMom2005: NTA. You have your boundaries. Abbie sounds like she’s developed this fantasy involving you and your family. That can’t be healthy.
And yelling at you? “You WILL tell people you love me! You WILL tell people I’m your second daughter! You WILL have a good time at my wedding!”
OOP: OOP: John told me she really wants to be part of the family, but she started so quickly I wonder how much is us vs the idea of us. I’ve been told she immediately was obsessed with the relationship my kids and I have. The yelling…I was more concerned for John than upset, honestly. She seemed…not ok, right then.
Commenter: Yeah, this doesn’t sound like it’s about you or Sally as actual people. It’s about Abby’s fantasy of having a family. It makes me wonder how much she really even knows you or Sally.
There’s nothing wrong with her wanting a family, but she’s going about it wrong. Relationships grow and develop over time, you don’t just claim someone as family and have an instant relationship with them. She could definitely benefit from therapy.
OOP: She knows Sally a bit now, with me she learns surface level things and approaches me, but when I try to engage she immediately acts like we’re so close and switches subjects to something related to how much closer we should be. John says it’s nerves but it doesn’t seem like it.
charmedphoenix39: NTA. You have to keep correcting her. She pushed this far with the aisle/speech because you gave them an inch with the Dad, etc. You need to put your foot down with your son and her. If this continues, someone in the family will get fed up and might explode on them and it won’t be pretty. What if that confrontation comes at the wedding? This needs to be sorted now before the relationship and interactions continue. Otherwise you might need to consider lowering the amount of contact you have with your son and his wife.
OOP: That’s partly why I’m upset, I have tried compromising because I want to help my son but at some point understanding has to go both ways. I understand she wants family, and I know she’s partly jealous because I like my daughter’s girlfriend more, but we’re in the same field and she let it happen naturally. I feel like it’s all give and no take.
UPDATE - AITA not walking her down the aisle or lying: June 26, 2024
AITA for not wanting to walk her down the aisle or lie in a speech? : r/AmItheAsshole (reddit.com)
I had planned on writing this sooner but life got in the way in a couple of really good ways, but people were helpful and asked for updates, and I have a surprise free day, so here it goes:
Mother’s Day my kids and their partners go to visit my ex wife. So it turns out my ex wife and Abbie are a lot closer than I realized. She calls her mom, which is part of where this comes from. Also apparently my ex has been egging it on. On mother’s day they were talking about the wedding and I guess whenever Abbie referred to me it was as dad. My son apparently told her let it go, which led to yelling.
Abbie about deserving to be my daughter, ex telling her that she’s right, son telling her that I am trying and she should be realistic about things, Sally telling her I only had one daughter - which was apparently a response to Abbie saying to her that as my “daughters” they should be united. according to my son Abbi was crying, according to Sally she was crying ang yelling and kicked something before going to her room, and Sally told me she went off on her mom, but will not elaborate so I don’t know what was actually said. But knowing Sally - whoo boy.
Around 2am I got a text from Sally’s partner’s phone saying “Abbie really is great, she hasn’t been perfect but you should give her a chance and you will learn to love her.” I saw it when I woke up I tried to text her back but was blocked, so I called Sally but they were driving. They stopped by my place later that day because I am on the way and my daughter prefers my liquor and cooking and they told me about the night before.
At the end I asked to speak to her partner alone, I asked if I had done something to upset her. She was confused and I told her I was blocked. She said I wasn’t but checked her phone and I was, and I said it was after her message and she asked what message. I showed her, it was not on her phone anymore. At that point we brought in Sally and caught her up, neither of them were happy.
A couple of days later John and Abbie dropped by unannounced; not something we really do in this family but ok fine, I had mad salmon, does not take long to cook. I cook 2 more, wife serves while I make drinks. The entire night was Abbie trying to bring up the wedding, John trying to change the subject, Abbie not allowing that.
We talk logistics because I am helping them get some good deals through some professional contacts I have when finally she just says “so I was talking to mom, she said that you can walk me down the aisle and she’ll do the dance, or you can dance and she’ll walk, it’s your call but you need to choose soon.”
I reiterated that I could not dance (she tried arguing that I had danced a little at my wedding but I made it clear that is different) and did not feel comfortable walking her. She got upset and said “mom loves me why can’t you?” I felt bad but couldn’t lie, I pointed out that she had John who loved her, my exwife, friends, she had people who love her. She said “but other than (ex-wife) those aren’t my parents” I said “neither am I.” She was very emotional so my wife and I gave them a few minutes.
My son and I were alone later, he looked exhausted. He said the problem was that after Mothe…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1du5702/aita_for_not_wanting_to_walk_her_down_the_aisle/
Amazes me how much a child needs a parents love and will even seek it from their spouse family. Shame on mother for using a poor girls psychological needs as poison.
My son and I were alone later, he looked exhausted. He said the problem was that after Mother’s day Abbie had called Sally and kept saying they are both my daughters, that I did not get to be close with one but not both, and that it was them against me - but at that one Sally cried havoc and let slip the dogs of war. Things were said. Grievances were aired. John had to hang up before it got worse, but I guess Abbie was shaken but there was a new problem; Abbie had decided in her head that I did not mean what I have been saying and was just doing it for Sally. He told me he would handle it.
Ron Howard: He did not
So now I get text messages from Abbie every couple of days acting like we have a secret relationship Sally doesn’t know about, she even called herself my secret daughter and lol’ed. She invited my wife to lunch saying “2 out of 3 of his girl’s” going out. She has even started using the pressure of showing up at events like a recent barbecue to play a certain image. She hugs me more and holds it, wants to do pictures with just me or my wife and I but always a few with just me to post with captions I do not like.
My wife is getting especially annoyed because of how she is with her (I guess Abbie surprised her with father’s day plans for me that had to be shut down, as it is she still inserted herself into the day) but she has a soft spot for her and when Abbie gets emotional she caves; my wife is a sweetheart.
I asked him if he is upset with me and he said no, he just wished it was different. He said we’re good, but he’s worried he and Sally aren’t, which is when I took the advice of some people and suggested pre marital counseling, he said he would talk about it. Abbie is insisting Sally go to her fitting.
That shop should pay-per-view that potential royal rumble because Sally is not holding her feelings back anymore. I told him Sally loves him and I’ll talk to her, but for now it is stressful all around. Abbie driving my wife crazy with her ideas for what my “girls” should be doing, driving me crazy with dad-daughter content, drove sally to the edge, and oh yeah, last night sent me an email with 3 styles of father-daughter dances and song options, so i’m not feeling any more respected or heard than before.
The six of us have barely been in the same room in order to let things calm down since father’s day, which was great until it was a shit show. Sorry this is so long, with all the craziness this is still the abridged version. We are supposed to meet Friday, Sally’s partner and I have a bet going about how bad it will go. So onward and upward, I hope you fathers had a less dramatic day than I did, and by any chance does anyone know exactly how bad of a crime I need to commit to enter witness protection? Just curious
Relevant Comments
InstructionTop4805: NTA. But Abbie needs serious mental health help. This is beyond a little needy to down right pathological. What’s going to happen when she finally realizes she is not going to get her way? Someone’s going to get hurt. Your daughter and her partner need to step back and not engage at all, and you and your wife should attempt to do the same.
Tell your son you love him and will do your best to support him, but until Abbie gets help you can not allow her to be around you and your wife. I wouldn’t be surprised if Abbie has a history of this type of behavior with others in her past.
OOP: I do not know her enough to know about her history, but this does worry me. Especially since my wife and I recently got some good news that has me feeling especially protective of her. My wife has a hard time with the idea of cutting contact since they get together occasionally, I pointed out she needs to take care of herself plus Abbie has my ex wife as a mother figure now, so she should be off the hook.
ProfPlumDidIt: I can’t believe your son is dumb enough to still want to marry this walking red flag.
At this point you need to have a talk with your son, tell him that his fiancée is making you, your wife, and his sister extremely uncomfortable, and that you have serious concerns about her emotional stability because of her inability to accept boundaries and being told “no.”
I would also tell him that, if she doesn’t back off asap, you will make your boundaries physical and not attend events she’s at or invite her to your events.
Personally, I’d tell my son I won’t attend the wedding because I can’t support him marrying someone so toxic but that my door is open to help him escape her once he’s ready. I know not everyone could or would do that, but I would if it was one of my kids.
And witness protection is for witnesses of big crimes, not really those who commit them. You’d be better off just faking your death and running lol
OOP: The shame is we used to sort of like her, my daughter, my wife, and myself. Early on she was interesting (diverse interests, she has travelled a lot for her age) she and I even have overlap in musical taste. The problem was when she decided she wanted this her personality changed and she started getting pushy, changing subjects to what she wanted if they were subjects she liked, it was like everything was put on hold until we acquiesced, which we haven’t, so it has not gone on.
You make a good point about witness protection, plus I have been meaning to take up location tracker-free boating and scuba diving in sharky waters…
Professional-Fact157: Did you tell your son about the fake message from Sally’s partner and the blocking? I don’t know that you ever confirmed that Abbie did it, but that is another level of crazy from just inserting herself into your life.
OOP: I do not think confirmation is possible, but her phone was where Abbie would have been able to get it according to Sally. Sally asked to be the one to tell him, this is crazy but with everything going on, job stuff (great news) family stuff (best news) wedding stuff (I try to watch my drinking!) and the family exploding a bit at father’s day, I honestly forgot to ask her what happened. I have to call her later, it’s funny until you sit down and write everything out you don’t realize how much there is, it just feels like one thing after another.
Agoraphobe961: NTA. You mention in another comment your wife is pregnant, be prepared for Abbie to go into overdrive especially if it’s another girl. Her level of obsession is very concerning.
If you can’t convince your wife to step back now, give it about 5-6 months when Abbie has taken over the baby shower, picked out the nursery, posted the ultrasounds online, insists on being in the delivery room, and gives your wife a full belly grope every 3.8 minutes during visits. Revisit the conversation then.
OOP: My daughter said the same thing about the baby coming. Your second paragraph sounds like hell, thankfully my wife has a close circle of friends for those things but I am sure you are right that Abbie will tryo to insert herself in our pregnancy journey like she did my father’s day
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