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Mood Spoiler: infuriating

My husband asked if I would be willing to care for his mother I said no, does this make me the asshole? June 14, 2024

My husband of 16 years asked me if I would be willing to care for his mother, I told him no. My husband asked why not I told him the truth. We never got along, she has always been passive aggressive towards me. I have been told that it is a thing many Hispanic mothers do when no one is good enough for their child. We are civil towards one another that is the best we can do.

My husband even dared to bring up the fact that he supported me [Editor’s Note: fully financially and emotionally per other comments] when I took care of my dad who had cancer. I told him the situations were different because he offered I did not ask, I also had other family members that were helping. He is an only child and has no one else so everything will mostly fall on my shoulders since he does work long hours we are talking sometimes 12 to 18 hour days. Last week alone he worked 84 hours.

I told him I understand it may seem unfair but the situations are different, I had support on my head when it came to caring for my dad. I will have nearly zero support. Yes, he has offered to pay extra support but that will just eat into our budget. We are currently trying to save for a house, and I am currently not working as I am in school trying to finish up my degree. Took time off from teaching to care for my dad. After he passed, I did not want to go back to teaching. So ATM I am in my third year into my engineering degree. I do not wish to put that on hold either taking care of his mother.

After I explained all of this my husband just left, and has not returned any of my phone calls. I spoke with my mom, but she was not far from helpful. She found it silly I even went to school in the first place. Got me thinking am I the asshole for not wanting to put my own goals and life on hold again for a sick parent?

Relevant Comments:

[Editor’s Note: Several Redditors asked what was wrong with MIL/why she needed care/how long it was expected she would need care. As far as I could find, she never responded with specifics.]

OOP on what care MIL would need right now:

At the moment she needs just some safety and supervision. Meal prep, stuff like that, assistance with some of her ADL’s and IADL’s. It would not be 24/7 she does sleep a full 8 hours sometimes more, and my husband does pay for her to go to adult day service already.

[Editor’s Note: ADL are basic care needs like going to the bathroom, etc. while iADLs are more complex like managing meds, balancing a checkbook. This link has good info on the details.]

UnlikelyPen932:

NTA. You are the caregiver in both scenarios. That is a heavy responsibility with lots of physical and emotional stress in the best of situations. Dad relationship was most likely a helluva lot nicer than the passive-aggressive hate from MIL. Suggest to husband that you can finish your degree and get a better paying job that can ease burdens, time, and money so husband can be a caregiver to his mom. He can cook, clean, change bedsheets, chauffeur, etc. Something makes me think he won’t be down with that.

OOP on how finances fit into this issue for her:

He wants me to work on my degree and care for his mother. Yes, she is in an adult day program and he is willing to pay for some level of support but that would eat into our budget to save for a house and put that goal on the back burner.

If he could he would love to leave his job to care for his mother, but he has to wait until I find a job and it would take me years to get to the point where I can sustain our family like he can. My husband does make good money. I would not even earn close to what he makes fresh out of school.

jaykwalker replies:

This is not a good look. He helped you ensure that your dad had care and you should help him in return. I’m not saying you’re obligated to care for his mother, but you can’t expect him to be okay with you not helping at all. You could get a part time job to contribute to your houldhold expenses to free up more of his time or salary to help his mom.

I mean, what do you expect him to do?

In several comments on this thread, OOP expresses that she thinks MIL should get on Medicaid and go to a nursing home. Others try to educate OOP that Medicaid will not cover all she thinks it will and will still cost her husband a lot of money, or MIL will have to go to a very poorly run nursing home.

Soggy-Milk-1005:

You have a misunderstanding of what is used for Medicaid. They might pay for nursing home care but there are eligibility requirements and restrictions. Medicaid is insurance for medical care for low income adults and children of low income adults. Depending on eligiblity it can also be insurance for medication, dental and vision. Medicare is insurance for those who are considered disabled and those who are of retirement age. I could not tell from your description of your mother-in-law, if she needs around the clock care or just needs a CNA to assist her with ADLs. It’s fair that you don’t want to be the one who provides her care for her, but you need to support your husband just like how he supported you. You have to compromise something so you can switch to part-time school and a job so your husband can cut back on his hours, quit school and work multiple jobs so that he can stay home to care for his mother or you can continue as you are going to school full-time without a job and put the plans for house on hold so that your husband can pay for someone to help his mom. But right now you’re sounding pretty selfish because you don’t want to give up anything to help your husband and his mother and it doesn’t matter that your father was nice and his mother isn’t you still need to support your husband. If he decides that he wants a divorce because he can’t be with someone who won’t be supportive then you’re going to have to give up a lot more than a delay on buying a house, you’ll have up also put your degree in hold so that you can work to pay the bills that alimony won’t cover. So do you love your husband and want to stay with him while making a smaller sacrifice or do you want to lose everything because you refuse to compromise now?

Fluffy_Tumbleweed_70:

I don’t think you are the AH for not wanting to care for his mother but you don’t seem to be bringing any solutions to the table either.

What should your husband do about his mom? Should he do nothing? Let her go to a government facility that is pretty shitty?

You don’t seem willing to allow him to spend anything meaningful on his mom either, which may make you an AH.

I know you don’t like his mom, but if you love HIM you will help him figure out an approach that he can feel good about.

Several Redditors suggest she get a part-time job while finishing her schooling (for engineering). She already has a Master’s in Special Education (but hated teaching and quit), so there are many fields she could work in to help support hiring care for MIL without doing it herself.

OOP’s response:

Unfortunately, he does not understand that I need to finish my degree and it will take time for me to earn enough to get to the point to support him like he supported me. He expects me to work on my degree while also caring for his mother. Yes, he is willing to pay for support but he does not understand I do not have the headspace to deal with both. He does not get that I was not the sole caregiver for my dad, I had siblings and other family step up to help. I was not doing it alone with some paid help on the side.

[yesimreadytorumble](https://www.reddi…

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