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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-07-04 04:01:03+00:00.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/invinciblecomics

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople + r/DobermanPinscher

Friend is upset at me for getting a dog without her approval.

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, narcissism

Original Post: May 14, 2024

I think this story fits in here? If not, my apologies! This happened very recently and I am honestly unsure of how to handle it. I can’t even believe this is an issue to begin with, so this may be a bit of a rant.

So I (28M) have a friend, who is in her fifties. We are close friends. The kind where you don’t talk often, but when you do, it’s always really good. We mainly talk about our pets and she’s been there for me a lot. I value her and our friendship. I really, really do.

There’s only one issue. You see, one does not disagree with her. She has very strong opinions and will shove them down everyone’s throat. She’s notorious in all pet stores and for all the wrong reasons. I am not too bothered by it. I just know when to shut my mouth and agree. Arguing is not worth it and I find our friendship more important than being right about something.

(Edit: it was brought to my attention that this kinda comes off as me condoning this behavior. What I meant is that I wasn’t too bothered with how she treated me, not how she treated others. With how our friendship was, I didn’t really get to see her treat others this way. I was told stories, but she always made it sound like they provoked it and I believed it. That’s why it didn’t bother me. Only when writing this post I started to connect the dots. And as I mentioned in my other edit, I sometimes struggle with knowing what is normal or not. I now know this is not normal.)

It has never been a problem. Until now.

When I brought up wanting a Doberman, she was rather judgmental, saying that I am too insecure to raise a dog and that a dog wouldn’t solve my mental problems. I found her assumptions hurtful and untrue, even if she probably meant well. Obviously a dog won’t make my mental illness go away, but I think taking care of a dog and having a companion has been helpful for a lot of people, especially with mental illness. It just so happens that a Doberman is exactly what I want, as they fit my lifestyle. I am also not as spineless or insecure as she made me out to be. It’s just that I don’t argue with her because I know she would end our whole friendship over me not agreeing on something. I don’t waste my energy on an argument that won’t lead anywhere. So I just didn’t mention it again and I wasn’t super upset. I just decided not to talk to her about it.

A few weeks later, I sent a video of a puppy I have my eyes on. I hoped that maybe she’d be happy for me now. Somehow I thought she would be. Instead, she sent me a voice message demanding I tell her which exact reasons I have to get a Doberman. It made me feel like I had to justify my decision to her, like I need her permission. Me having this dog won’t affect her, so I find this weird and honestly kind of entitled. Also, I knew she’d just disagree with all my reasons. So I politely said that I know she doesn’t think that I am the right person for this, but that I disagree and I have done a lot of research, which I definitely have. I have considered this for literal years, although I didn’t talk to her about that until I previously mentioned the dog. I just didn’t see a reason to and I still don’t. Like I said, it doesn’t affect her and it’s not like we talk a lot nor do we talk about everything. I told her she has nothing to worry about and that the decision wasn’t impulsive.

She was immediately upset. She said I was very defensive, even though I acted calm and polite. However, I simply didn’t agree and I didn’t want to justify my decision. This is probably the first time I said no to her. She started going off about how dangerous this dog is, that it’s not the right breed for me, that she knows a lot more about this than me and that I should be able to explain why I want one, especially to her.

Now she does know a lot about animals, but judging by what she said about the breed she doesn’t know as much as she claims. They were very outdated views and some of the “facts” were just wrong. She said that I only want this dog to have as a “shield” and that I am going to end up with a “weapon” I can’t control, etc. I said multiple times that I understand and respect her opinion and that I was sorry for upsetting her, but that I don’t agree and didn’t like her initial question.

According to her I turned her into someone she’s not and I was extremely defensive. Again, I was very calm and never accusatory, while she sent me long voice messages in which she was yelling and crying. It seems everything I said just made her more angry. She ended by saying I’ve insulted her and that I should know what that feels like. I said I was sorry about that and that I hope we can talk about this when we’re both calm.

I am extremely confused about what I did wrong and I am honestly kind of angry, because I feel like she’s simply mad at me for not agreeing with her. She knows as well as I do that I will put all of my time and energy into this dog, that I am someone who will make well informed decisions and won’t hesitate to ask a professional dog trainer for guidance. And even if we are close, we are not so close that I need to involve her into a decision like this, but it seems she thinks I can’t do this without her approval.

Anyway, I haven’t heard from her since and I suspect she expects me to apologize. I’m not sure what to do, except wait until she calms down and then starts talking to me again like nothing happened. I might have to rethink this friendship.

Edit: Wow! This got a lot more attention than I thought it would. I don’t think I can respond to every comment. I see a lot of people asking me why I am friends with this person, so I thought I would add some context. To keep it short, I grew up in a very emotionally abusive home and didn’t have the best experiences after leaving home either. I am still figuring out what is “normal”. Also, this friendship didn’t start out like this and I guess I was still holding onto the positive aspects I didn’t realize are no longer here. Thank you for all the eye opening comments. And for anyone wondering, yes, I will definitely be getting the dog. I would never let her stop me. And yes, I will update this post with a picture of the puppy in a few weeks.

Relevant Comments

neogeshel: That is completely bizarre. Of course having a pet is good for mental health. And what does being insecure have with owning a dog? It sounds like simple breed prejudice I guess, whatever.

OOP: I suppose because they are a dominant breed and you do need to be a good leader. They were bred to be protective, so if you are very insecure, the dog could become reactive. She is not wrong about all that, but I don’t think I am too insecure for that. My insecurities have nothing to do with my ability to raise a dog, but with completely different things.

Edit to add: I am insecure around certain people, but not around dogs. Especially not mine.

WomanInQuestion: Why exactly are you friends with this woman? She’s not a nice person.

OOP: I suppose because the positives are extremely positive, so I just keep my distance enough where I only have to deal with the positives. Guess that didn’t work out, haha.

BurningBazz:

I was very calm and never accusatory, while she sent me long voice messages in which she was yelling and crying.

Sounds like she has a problem with people having other opinions than her.

I had a friend like that.

OOP: Yeah, I got that feeling too. And I am not the only person who knows her that suspects that this is the case.

I am picking up the girl in the middle (grey) in two weeks! I am beyond excited and just had to share it somewhere!: May 29, 2024 (2 weeks later)

Editor’s Note: OOP provided a picture of the puppy he is picking up!

Update: June 27, 2024

Hello! A while ago I made a post called “Friend is upset at me for getting a dog without her approval” and many people asked for an update, specifically to show pictures of the puppy, so I will link those at the bottom of this post.

What happened was that I mentioned to my friend that I want to get a dog, specifically a Doberman. She thought it was a bad idea and dictated what I should and shouldn’t do, leaving absolutely no room for me to voice my own opinion. So I went ahead and looked at puppies without informing her, since it’s really none of her business and doesn’t affect her one bit. When I later showed her pictures of the puppies, she became really upset and basically demanded I justify my choice to her, saying I shouldn’t get a Doberman if I can’t explain it to her specifically. I respectfully disagreed with what she said and she completely lost it, spewing all kinds of awful things about me, which forced me to end our friendship.

I want to thank you all for the support on my last post. It made me se…

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