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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-07-04 04:01:04+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/WorrieddWife

Worried about my husband’s relationship with his female coworker

Originally posted to r/Marriage

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, manipulation, gaslighting

Original Post  June 18, 2024

My(35F) husband(37M) and I have been married for 3 years, but together for 20(with a few break ups in the middle), we’re highschool sweethearts.  We had a few rough patches but everything seemed okay this last few years.

On the beginning of the year he started a new job where he met this female coworker and they started to get along. At first he mentioned her, like her parents were from our home country and she liked to play rol games (we’re both nerdy). That’s okay, even if I’m always a lil conscious about my husband female friends I was never worried about it and considered myself not the jealous type. But everything changed a month ago, my husband told me he was going to start going to work with her the weeks she didn’t have her kid (she’s divorced but currently on a relationship), I didn’t mind since she lives close by and the company is far away, it made sense. But after that I started to notice that they would text CONSTANTLY, day, night, weekends, every damn day. He had her saved as “Lady her name”, I’m saved by my name and surname on his cellphone. He installed tiktok just to send her stuff, and didn’t even bothered adding me, he just have her and a few funny accounts.

It came to a breaking point where I ended up crying, telling him he was breaking boundaries and that his relationship with her wasn’t normal. He told me that he found a friend who shares his same interests and it’s been a long time since he’s been able to talk to someone like that other than me or his bff and that he was not physically attracted to her (that I know, she’s not his type). I told him that I needed for him to speak more about things and about her if he wanted my trust, because it couldn’t be that I always communicate everything that happens to me and about the people I meet but he never talks about himself, his work or his relationships. I mentioned that having me saved by my full name and her by nickname felt insulting and he made a joke out of it since he didn’t believe it was something that mattered, but changed my name to literally “Owner of our cat”.

I’m trying to deal with this the best as I can, but her birthday is this week and he bought her a cute bear light, that you can hug. Before he was between that, a book and a bear PLUSHIE. This I know because he used my amazon account. Two days ago we had a huge fight because of it, I told him that there are certain boundaries, that a book would have been fine for a friend but a plushie is in NO WAY something you can gift. He played the victim saying that I’m making a scene for him to want to gift his friend something nice. He then began talking of how important this friendship is for him, that he feels alone with me sometimes and he found someone who makes him feel a little better. I don’t know if he heard himself or if I’m being overly paranoid but isn’t that a really fucked up thing to say to your loved one?

We left things like that and I’m really trying to make it work, but I’m sad, tired, and I don’t now if I’m paranoid or I’m being gaslighted to believe that I am.

My take is that even if he doesn’t plan to cheat on me with her he’s getting an ego boost out of this. I haven’t read his messages but the other day I took a picture with his cellphone and saw in his gallery that she sends him selfies(playing cute, but no nudes or provocative ones). I tried to propose a couples outing (since she’s also in a relationship) but my husband always says he’ll ask her but never does, or finds an excuse. Another thing I noticed (and now I really don’t know if it’s just in my head) is that when she arrives to leave her car and leave with him my husband keeps our interactions to a minimum (we’re normally really touchy with each other, like hugs and stuff) and just kisses me goodbye really quick. I don’t know, honestly I’ve read so much worse stories here that I feel like I’m over reacting, what do you think?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

The thing is this happened ten years ago and I was the one in the wrong. I talked with a male friend all day because he was a really nice guy and felt comfortable with him. My husband (then boyfriend) read my messages while I was sleep and woke me extremely hurt, saying he couldn’t believe how could I talk to another guy like that, they weren’t sexual or flirty at all since cheating on him wasn’t on my mind at all and I was never unfaithful (and never been in these 20 years) but it’s a reality that we where talking way too much. I realized then that there are limits to a friendship, and there are boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. Even if I liked my friend very much I cut that friendship there and then cause if I have to choose my husband will always come first, and ever since that day I have a list of boundaries that I always follow with male friends:

-Don’t talk about really personal stuff

-Never complain about your partner

-If your partner read your messages, will they be upset?

And this is what also bothers me, because he knows how it feels to be on the other side and still he chooses to keep the friendship exactly as it is.

~

OverratedNew0423

“he feels alone with me sometimes”

This is the real problem.  Why is your relationship so bad and lonely?  This is a pure sign that its not fulfilling and may not last.  The girl is just a distraction… but she never would have been let in to that extent if your relationship was good.     Are YOU happy with it?  Do YOU feel loved, fulfilled, excited and happy?

I mean 20 years and didn’t commit until recently…many ups and downs along the way…it may be time to admit this isn’t a forever relationship.  He’s telling you he’s unhappy… I wonder if you have been too.

OOP

It’s complicated. We moved countries twice in three years for his job. The first country we moved to I really struggled with the language and bureaucracy was hell, so  I only got my work permit after a year and a half of living there, this means I wasn’t able to work, so I was working freelance but earning almost nothing. When I finally got some sort of job and had made a small group of friends we moved again, and again all the bureaucracy for being able to legally work here. I work from home but the salary barely covers food expenses since I work for my home country and I just got the work permit here and I’m looking for a more stable well paid job. Since I don’t earn enough money he feels like he’s the one maintaining me and everything depends on him. He doesn’t take in account that apart from working he doesn’t do anything at all at home, I’m the one on charge of cleaning, cooking, maintenance, buying groceries, paying for services, taking our dogs on walks, etc. and I’m always there for his every need. I left my career and friends behind and thought I do not regret it it’s been hard for me to get back on my feet, I was always self sufficient with my own money so it hits hard to not have money of my own (since I feel like all the money I earn has to be spent in the house). I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD and began taking meds, that has helped me a lot, but my husband doesn’t believe in it and still brings up things that were caused by my untreated ADHD when talking about my lack of help in different situations. Apart from that I’m happy and I love him very much, but sometimes it’s really hard.

Update  June 22, 2024

Hello again everyone! I was thinking if updating or not since it’s only been a few days. I want to thank all the people that helped me and made me feel I wasn’t paranoid.

After talking this last few days my husband was behaving way better, he began talking about his work and his friends and stopped texting his coworker all day. This week was the week he takes her to work and I was feeling she was being nice with me only when my husband was around, if he wasn’t she ignored me or didn’t even looked at me. Today was her birthday but my husband didn’t took her because he had to leave early (he had to travel to visit a friend).

While we were having breakfast I told him I felt like his coworker didn’t like me at all, and explained how she acted different when he wasn’t around. He said that he would not take her to work anymore then. TBH I felt a little bad for her but I was happy, we had a nice week and this was a great closure. That was until midday, he came back stressed because he was running late for the train and in his stressed state confessed that she was acting like that because he told her about our fight about her and how I reacted about the present he bought her. I was speechless. I felt so betrayed… He excused himself saying that he was tired after fighting the night before and he needed someone to talk to. I told him that he made a huge mistake, that he went to the source of our problems to tell her about something extremely personal, and with his actions has closed all the possibilities of a…

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