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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/J_S_M_K on 2024-07-07 18:51:09+00:00.
DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/AchaeanAnolis in r/relationships
trigger warnings: hostilty
mood spoilers: kinda hopeful?
My [19F] pregnant SIL [26F] is cold and short with me, but kind to everyone else - Dec. 17,2017
Using a throwaway just for privacy reasons. Sorry if this gets long at all.
My sister is a lesbian, and married her wife a year ago. They receive financial support from my parents (they’re wealthy, and generous), have good jobs, and as such, have decided to have a baby. Currently, her wife is about six months pregnant, and the two of them are visiting for holidays. I’m in college, so I don’t see them very often (yes, my parents give me financial support as well- everything is fair and square), but I’m really excited for their baby. My sister and her wife had been dating since their senior year of college, and were friends since childhood before that. I’m 7 years younger, so I was kind of left out of the loop. I never knew my sister’s wife until they got married, and even then, I was swamped with my first year of college, so I didn’t really ever get to know her. I was really excited though for this trip, since we’d get some one-on-one time together!
Our parents live about two hours away from my sister and her wife, and I flew in from across the country. We’re all staying with our parents, who are not yet retired. My flight got in yesterday late at night, so I slept in. My parents went to work, my sister went to go do some shopping. My sister-in-law stayed in with me, but I didn’t realize she was around until she came downstairs while I was making lunch. She’s pretty obviously pregnant, and I haven’t seen her since her wedding- so I was really excited to see her. She was not. I said hi, and went to hug her, and she backed away. I apologized, and she just kinda looked at me weird, and went looking through the fridge.
I tried to make small talk with her, so I asked when she was due. She gave me a really weird look, like I’d asked what her cup size was, and then just said March and kept making her food. I said I was really excited to have a niece or nephew, then asked if she wanted a boy or girl. She sighed really loudly, said she didn’t care, and moved on. My sister had mentioned that her wife had PTSD due to a previous pregnancy, so I worried that might’ve been it. I tried to shift the subject, and asked how her work was. She set her knife down really loudly, stared at me for thirty seconds, then said “fine” and went into the dining room without saying anything else.
Throughout the day, I kept just trying to interact with her. Offered to get her a drink while I was in the room, she just muttered no, asked what she was watching, “you wouldn’t know it” (it was the Simpsons), said I was really glad she was spending the holidays with us, a very begrudging “yeah.” Really, I thought this must just be how she is. Then, my parents and sister came home, and she was super cheery and nice to them. My dad was asking if they had names picked out, and she just wouldn’t stop chattering on. My sister said she wanted a family name, and her wife insisted on a unique name. My mom pointed out that my name (Anais) isn’t very common, but it’s also a family name (same as my grandmother), and they should consider it. I said I wouldn’t mind having a niece with my same name, and my sister was really enthusiastic about it. Her wife gave me a death glare.
I just ended up getting the silent treatment! At dinner, I asked if she would pass the potatoes, and she didn’t listen. I repeated myself, she ignored me, and then my sister told her I had asked for her to pass the potatoes. Suddenly, she was all bubbly and giggling “guess I didn’t hear!”
What do I do? Should I tell my sister? Directly challenge her? I have very positive relationships with my parents and my sister, and I want to be really involved with my niece/nephew, so I really don’t want to go 100% no contact or anything. How can I try to resolve or at least get over this?
TLDR: My sister’s pregnant wife is weirdly cold and kind of short with me. What to do?
UPDATE (as of this morning): So, we all had breakfast together. I sat across from my sister, between my parents, with my SIL kitty corner to me. My SIL actually SPOKE TO ME!! But it wasn’t all that positive. She asked if I was seeing anyone, in kind of a snarky tone. I said no, school was really busy, I just didn’t have time, etc. She responded, “Well, not everyone finds someone.” My sister tried changing the subject, asking my parents whether or not they’d gone to their winter home yet (they’re those rich people). My SIL was so nice to them. She was saying what a gorgeous house it is, how grateful she was to have been able to take a vacation there with my sister last month. My mom is easily flattered, so once my SIL got started, she started gushing about her, and it was just a mush fest.
After breakfast, I offered to go take our dogs for a walk. When I came back, my parents had left with my sister to go shopping again, and my SIL was the only one home. She asked me how I was liking college, and I said I was liking it a lot. I major in pre-dental, started talking about it a bit, and she rolled her eyes. I apologized for oversharing, and she said, “No. It’s fine. You just have a problem with reading the room, I guess.” Then, she walked away. When my sister comes home, I’m definitely going to tell her about it.
OOP clarified why SIL may not like her:
There was one thing I might be able to think of in terms of her wedding- it was initially scheduled on the day of my finals (this was prior to invitations being produced/mailed, just their idea), so I called my sister to tell her I either wouldn’t make it, or the date would have to be changed. She was really upset about it, because she and her wife had wanted a winter wedding, the date seemed perfect for them, etc. I said they didn’t have to sacrifice the winter aspect, just maybe move it a day back. There was a kind of big fight, and I can assume my SIL got in on it, but my sister is the kind of person who likes to be liked (think of her as a human golden retriever), and she didn’t want to be mad at me, so we worked through it. Her wedding ended up being the day after my finals, which I was grateful for, and there’s been no resentment or hard feelings since. My sister actually laughs at herself for being kind of an ass. Her choice quote from that time was: “You just don’t have to go. It’s just a test.”
I was my sister’s MOH, and I didn’t see much of my SIL prior to the wedding. She’d gotten food poisoning from her bachelorette party, so she was kind of holed up for the majority of the pre-wedding hubbub. During the reception, I made a toast, talked about my sister and her wife’s friendship, how we’ve just been waiting for the two of them to get married, they’re a match made in heaven, etc. etc. She teared up, gave me a big hug, and said she was excited to be my sister-in-law. I wanted to talk more with her, but some relatives wanted to ask me why I chose the college I did, so I went to go talk to them.
I’m probably going to bring this up with my sister either today, or tomorrow. It all depends on what my SIL is up to.
Update-recovered through rareddit - Dec. 20, 2017
So, I didn’t get the chance to talk to my sister. When my parents came back from shopping with my sister, my mom started saying how she had the perfect onesie for her granddaughter. Before my SIL could start gushing, I asked what my mom meant. She asked if I hadn’t heard I’d be having a niece, and I replied I hadn’t. My sister said it was weird, because she’d asked her wife to tell me once they’d gotten the ultrasound. Her wife had zero excuse, and had the most deer-in-the-headlights reaction. There was something that just sort of snapped, and I started crying. I felt kind of spoiled and horrible for it, so I apologized, and went upstairs with the dogs. My parents came upstairs, and my mom went to go ask if I was okay, and my sister and her wife started shouting downstairs.
My mom basically said that my SIL does not like me, and that it wasn’t really my fault- she’s just bad with people she doesn’t know, and took it out on me inappropriately. And yes, my SIL was still pissed about the wedding date thing, which just made it worse. I felt really shitty and just… Just like really bad? Part of it wasn’t my fault, but part of it was my fault. And apparently my sister knew about both issues beforehand, and had given my SIL directions to try and get along with me. They were still shouting downstairs, and I was kind of bordering on a meltdown, so I asked my mom if we could take the dogs for another walk. We went out the back, and when we came home, my sister had left the house to cool down, and her wife was upstairs.
I spent most of the rest of the day downstairs, until my sister came home. She had obviously been crying, and was in a bad mood. My mom took her into the kitchen to try and calm her down, so I kept sitting in the living room. I felt like a bratty little kid aga…
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I spent most of the rest of the day downstairs, until my sister came home. She had obviously been crying, and was in a bad mood. My mom took her into the kitchen to try and calm her down, so I kept sitting in the living room. I felt like a bratty little kid again. Like, I genuinely felt like I’d fucked up my sister’s marriage and probably ruined our relationship in the process too. Everything just felt awful, and when my sister came out of the kitchen, she didn’t even look at me, just went storming back upstairs. Her wife started yelling first, and they were fighting for a while before it got quieter upstairs. My mom, dad, and I went out for dinner, and when we came home, my SIL was waiting for us.
My SIL apologized to me, saying she had been petty and rude, and that the wedding date thing had been a non-issue. I said it was okay if she was upset about the wedding thing, but I wish she had let me know. She said it wasn’t that easy, since my sister would basically take a bullet for me, and it had caused them a big fight before their wedding. I said I had no idea, and that I was sorry to be the source of that tension, and I just wanted to be able to be a good sister-in-law myself, and be a good aunt. My SIL got angry, and said I had ruined the opportunity for the first one, and she wasn’t banking on the second one. Then, she stormed upstairs, and she and my sister got into another big fight.
I felt awful. The bad feelings manifested physically, and I spent most of the night throwing up while my sister and her wife fought. My mom was really kind to stay up with me, and my dad tried to get my sister and her wife to get off each other’s backs. I specifically heard my SIL shouting, “Who would you jump in front of a train for? Me, or her?” And my sister responded, without missing a beat, “My sister, no questions asked.” They got quieter after that, and my SIL started up the screaming about an hour later saying, “I’d let all my siblings die for you.”
My sister slept on the couch, and the two of us went out for breakfast in the morning. She basically said that after my SIL gave birth, she and my sister were going to separate. They would try counseling prior to the birth, and afterwards too, but if things weren’t getting better, they’d be divorcing. I said that it shouldn’t have gotten that far, and I was sorry for pushing the both of them. My sister said that my SIL does this to all my sister’s friends, and they’ve been fighting often. But, she clarified that the way she treated me was a dealbreaker. She said it might’ve sounded sad, but I was her best friend from birth, and she wouldn’t let me not feel welcome like that. I felt really guilty, and started crying again. She kept saying she wanted it this way, their relationship was broken as is, etc.
It’s been tense and awkward ever since. My SIL won’t look at me or speak to me, and I’ve given up. My sister has been by my side a lot, and has amped up the good sister behavior 10x. I feel like shit, everything is really terrible, and I’m sure I’m going to be making another post during the actual Christmas bullshit. Not a great update, but there we are!
TL;DR: My sister and her wife are separating because of my SIL’s behavior towards me.
Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.
Red flags everywhere.
