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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-08-28 04:02:06+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Artistic-Minute-4365
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for losing it and calling my father a weak pathetic man in front of his family?
Thanks to u/soayherder + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: emotional and verbal abuse, mental health issues, death of a parent
Original Post: August 18, 2024
My father has always been against any confrontation or arguments. He is extremely passive, refuses to stand up for himself, and avoids any conflict. If someone isn’t paying attention while walking and bumps into him, he insist it’s his own fault. If his employer would mess up his salary, he wouldn’t bother fixing it. If a mechanic didn’t properly repair his car, he would just accept it as is.
This unfortunately resulted in a tumultuous childhood with my insanely narcissistic mother. She controlled his every move. She got him to quit his job and be a locked in stay at home dad. She had him do every chore. She insulted him at every step. She cheated on him relentlessly and even brought APs into our home. She enjoyed making his life miserable every day and he never questioned it. My extended family, God bless them, were there for me so many times as much as they could be. They tried for years to make my father leave but he never budged.
When she would direct her anger onto myself, in the form of screaming, insulting or general demeaning, my father never once found the guts to stand up for me or support me. When I was a kid if I cried to dad about something mom did or said to me he would sweep it under the rug or just insist I forget about it. Hell he would even try and justify it.
As I grew older it really set in for me how messed up this was. My mother gladly kicked me out of the house when I was 18 and my father just sat there and looked sullen. Didn’t say a damn thing. I joined the Air Force almost immediately and got stationed on the other side of the country. The dynamic was awful and I could have easily gone down the incel route if not for therapy and the amazing people I met along the way.
It took years for me to get in a better mental space. I was filled with hatred. My mother left my father 2 years after I got stationed and utterly destroyed my father in the divorce. She was killed a year later in a DUI with one of her APs. I took alot of joy in hearing that it took her hours to die, and that’s when I really knew I needed help to process things. I’m almost 30 now, have a girlfriend who is perhaps the best thing to ever happen in my life, and fully understands the situation with my family. I have learned to not allow myself to be consumed with anger and resentment by my past (or so I thought, you’ll see) and instead put that energy to my future.
I have been extraordinarily low contact/ near no contact with my father since I left. As much as I try, I cannot make that connection with him. I recently went to a family reunion and brought my girlfriend with me. My father was there as it was his side of the family. They have many issues with him but he is family so whatever I guess. I made sure to avoid him.
I was chatting with my uncles when I heard my father talk in the background. He was discussing how a coworker of his was going through a divorce as he discovered his wife was having an affair, and was positioned to have a very favorable divorce on his side. My father remarked how his coworker should work instead to forgive his wife and by his own words “set a good example for unity and forgiveness”, and how he believed he set a great example for me in that extent.
I swear it was like a switch went off in my head and I was mentally back to being the rage filled 18 year old. All these years and he never learned a damn thing. I turned to him and asked if he was fucking serious. He looked at me and started to stutter. I know the next minute was pure word vomit and I can’t relay it perfectly, but to sum it up I shouted how he was a pathetic father, pathetic man, his family all know he’s a disgrace of a human being who would rather his son be treated like shit then defend him because he’s a fucking coward, no one would ever see him as an example to live by, his wife would rather fuck half the neighborhood then even touch him, and he should never EVER believe anyone respects him
I began to derail and ramble between my shouting and my girlfriend quickly took me out and drove me home. It was insane just how quickly being away from him made me feel better. She just held me when we got back and told me it’s OK. Again, best thing to ever happen to me. I was ashamed of how I lost It and am now going to resume my therapy, that’s a given. However, I’m glad I finally unloaded ehay always needed to be said onto him
Extended family is pretty mixed with reactions. His brothers/my uncles said it was time for him to hear it from me, my grandparents are pissed I did that in front of the entire extended family, with some saying I should have done that behind closed doors instead of everyone.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA with a few YTAs
Relevant Comments
Mesmerizing-Taylor: It sounds like you finally got to express the pent-up feelings you’ve carried for so long. While the outburst wasn’t ideal, it seems like it was a necessary step towards healing. It’s good you’re resuming therapy to process this further.
OOP: Yeah afterwords it hit me that although it was very cathartic, It definitely wasn’t the most appropriate way to handle it lol
**nevertoomuchthought:**He sounds like a gentle, kind, and well-meaning person. You directed what is very clearly anger and resentment for your mother at him. It’s a bit more complicated than being an asshole or not. You seem to have got some catharsis out of it I just don’t believe he is the one you really wanted to scream at and from the sounds of it he was also a victim of your mother too. And while he was the adult and should have known better he obviously didn’t. Being nonconfrontational isn’t some character flaw. It’s psychological. And he probably needs therapy himself. Screaming at him and demeaning him actually sounds like something your mother probably did/would do and I worry about you if that is something that actually made you feel better about yourself.
OOP: Yes I fully admit he was a victim of my mother, but he was a victim who had a support system he never wanted to use, he fully let me be a victim my entire childhood because apparently it was too much effort to try, and to this day doesn’t believe he needs therapy
nevertoomuchthought: All I can say is based on your post and this interaction is your anger is deeply misguided. And you’re failing to recognize the truly horrifying thing. You’re behaving like the mother you actually should hate.
OOP: Oh trust me I fully hate her as well, but she is gone, and there is no use in holding a grudge against a dead person. I had hoped though, after his son making him an outsider in his life, his family openly joking face to face about his failings as a father, and his ex wife draining him for everything he had and making him start over in a one bedroom apartment, his friends slowly leaving his life one at a time out of embarrassment, that he would have maybe have at least one moment to reflect and maybe consider he should have done things differently
OOP getting therapy due to his past trauma
OOP: Eh yeah either way I need to hop back on the horse for therapy. It’ll be good for me. As for my grandparents, I really have had to look back as to how far this pattern of enabling goes back. I know they all did what they could to try and help, but it always seemed like there were times that more active measures could be taken. Times where people should have been far more stern with his addressing his behavior. The older generation on his side are the classical " they’re fanily and we stick together no matter what" and I have to think whether his passivenes and enabling is something he picked up on his own or something he learned from his own parents
Update: August 20, 2024
Thanks for the advice and recommendations, even amongst some of the YTA. However, some of them needed to he addressed because they were either hilarious or cringe worthy
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Some of them were very angry, and they kind of confused me at first until I saw their comments further down or saw their profile and saw rants about double standards or complete non sequitur ramblings about women. So yeah, not helpful advice and they were great dark reflections about how I could have turned out if not for the support in my life
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Some attempted to portray my dad as a humble, kind, caring sensitive old man who I’m just being a big bully to. This was a very good insight into how enablers of abuse get away with so much in todays worls, because so many people forget how they are part of the abuse themselves
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Some were attempting to mentally dissect me or have a gotcha moment with me to pull apart my story. That was generally asinine and I had to step away from those b…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1f31074/aitah_for_losing_it_and_calling_my_father_a_weak/
- Some were attempting to mentally dissect me or have a gotcha moment with me to pull apart my story. That was generally asinine and I had to step away from those before they asked for my cranial measurements or something
So it was pretty much immediately when I was up the next morning that I realized I needed to resolve the events of last night. I first spoke to my girlfriend and gave a sincere apology for having her see me like that. She reassured me that nothing was wrong, she’d known me for years and has always known me to be level headed, and understands why I kinda snapped. She herself has a history of dealing with narcissistic family so she absolutely understands the dynamic. She only really told me that it would be best to work on spending time around my extended family since my father will always be there. I told her don’t worry, I’m immediately going to talk to them afterwords to figure that out. So that parts fine. Looked like kind of an ass in front of her, but I’m making sure that doesn’t happen again. I also informed of her my intentions to resume more therapy just to keep myself steady which she was happy to hear.
I called my grandparents and sincerely apologized as well for putting such a sore dent into their family reunion. That it wasn’t appropriate and while I still feel it felt good to say that to him, it should have been privately and not in front of everyone. I also told then that going forward, as much as I love spending time with them, since the family always hangs out in one group that my father will always be in, for now until I can handle being around him, I need to distance myself occasionally until I feel comfortable interacting. I told them that I am nor would I ever be establishing an ultimatum or demands of them, and that either way I need to step back
I guess during my apology and explanation I was kind of just going on a tangent because my grandfather interrupted me to calm down. He told me that after I left, people kind of separated or slowly started leaving, and they eventually were able to talk to my father one on one. I guess seeing me have such a freak out resulted in my grandmother having a mini freak out of her own when she started talking to my father, resulting in her kicking him out. While I have a great relationship with both, my grandmother has always been extra protective of me so seeing me that way must have set off a fire in her.
My grandfather then said that it has become a bit of an open family secret my father’s failing. His brothers taunt him about it and generally don’t have a great relationship with him, and for my grandparents it’s always just uneasy. But seeing me the other day and how it still affects me so much has really liked in for a lot of people that it was really bad. They began to try and say sorry if they didn’t do enough, which I very adamantly retorted that they did more than what anyone could have expected.
It was very emotional for a minute, but culminated in then telling me that they have decided to distance themselves from my father for the time being, and have given him the ultimatum that unless he has a deep introspective and regularly goes to therapy, that distance may become permanent. My extended family I’ve been told, are going to try and reach out or call or whatever, but I asked them if they could relay to them that it’s not necessary, and that I’m fine and am sorry to them as well for ruining the day, which again, they told me I shouldn’t apologize for being hurt. Since then extended family have sent some messages with the general consensus that it’s OK with some older members complaining about my lack of respect towards my father
And finally, I texted my father hoping to meet at a local coffee shop and have a final talk. I met him and he didn’t look good. I think his parents tearing into him finally got the message through. I had so may things I could have said, but I instead asked him first thing if the coworker he gave the advice to took it well. He just said that neither him nor several coworkers interact with him anymore. I asked him if he truly 100% believes that every single thing he did for me as a child was for MY benefit. He didn’t really say anything. I then finally asked if he has any regrets for how I was treated as a child, and if he thinks he ever did anything wrong. He looked utterly defeated and just mumbled that he could have done more. I could have poked and prodded and could have gone on another rant, but instead I told him this should be goodbye and I hope he gets the help he needs
I think finally unloading my frustrations was what I needed to finally be able to move on and find peace. I absolutely need to keep on track for therapy and admit that a public bitching moment isn’t OK, but I should be fine
Comments
atmasabr: This is an interesting one.
The ability to control one’s failures (yes that’s what I’ll call your situation) is very powerful. You’ll do all right.
I_wanna_be_anemone: Congratulations sincerely on owning your actions. No matter how justified, you acknowledged your outburst was uncomfortable for others and likely not appropriate in that setting. It takes incredible strength of character to admit your failings even if you have no idea how else you could have reacted in that moment.
That you immediately communicated that to your loved ones is a huge sign of how respectable and genuine you are as a person, I really hope you keep moving forward from this situation with the same mindset. Good luck.
jessicaa_fit: NTA. It sounds like you handled things well after what happened. You took responsibility by apologizing to your girlfriend and family, and it’s clear you’re committed to moving forward by focusing on therapy and healing. It’s understandable that you snapped given everything you’ve been through. It’s also clear that your outburst made your family realize the impact your dad’s behavior had on you.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’ve done what you needed to do to move on, and it seems like you’re on the right track now.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
Na dude is a joke and needs to know it. His wife broke her vows. There was no marriage and staying with her only made things worse. My partner felt relief when parents got divorced. I bet OP would have felt the same to get away from his mom.
Seriously “your dad is a victim too” and “your dad deserved to hear how badly he fucked up” are not mutually exclusive ideas. OOP can feel more than one emotion towards their dad. Comments were wrong on this one
