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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-08-31 04:00:04+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/someone2shy
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITA for telling my boyfriend, that I will wear a head scarf, when he grows his foreskin back?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, misogyny, possible religious abuse, radicalization
Original Post: August 22, 2024
Throwaway account for privacy reasons.
My (F24) boyfriend (M28) is a Muslim. He usually is not very traditional. We don’t live in a Muslim country.
The other day he told me, that as soon as we get engaged, I will need to wear a headscarf to cover my hair. I am very proud of my long wavy hair and a headscarf is absolutely out of the question and he knows that.
When we first met, he even told me, that he doesn’t like that tradition and that his girlfriend will never have to wear one.
Now yesterday we had a real fight about it. His parents want us to get engaged and engagement means the future bride has to cover her hair.
It got a heated argument and I ended it with: “I will wear the damn thing, as soon as you grow your foreskin back!”
He left without saying a word and went to his parents place. Silence since then.
AITAH?
…
Edit:
- I will not wear a head scarf. If that means, that the engagement isn’t going to happen, then it will not happen.
- I got down voted for stating that I love him. Please keep in mind, that the fight is less than 24 hours ago and I miss him. We had a very good relationship for 1,5 years and never fought before. We were planning on moving in together after getting engaged.
- I will not convert to his religion, he knows that and his mother seemed fine with it. His father never said anything about it. I sm Christian and will stay Christian.
- People assume that his family is behind the head scarf idea. I am not sure about it, but it might be possible. If they are, they were good at hiding it, since they never said anything.
- His family immigrated 3 generations ago into the mostly Christian country we live at. He himself never visited the country (Lybia) his great grandparents on his fathers side came from. The family on his mother’s side I don’t know.
Additional Information from OOP after responding to multiple comments on how she knew her boyfriend
OOP: We met at the animal shelter 2 years ago. He came from a 12 hour shift at his job and volunteered to bottle feed the kittens over night. I was cleaning the cat area at that time, this was how we met.
We were friends at first, after about 5 months we started dating.
I knew he was Muslim and didn’t want to date him, because of all the stereotypes, but he assured me that his girlfriend will never have to be traditional or modest or wear a head scarf. Even eating pork was no problem. We went to the beach together, I was wearing a bikini. No issues.
I didn’t care about his religion, since he didn’t seem to care.
I fell in love with his as a person, not him as a Muslim.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
If OOP really loves her boyfriend, she should obey his rules on wearing a head scarf
OOP: I don’t want to be dictated how to wear or cover my hair, but I also don’t want to break a relationship that worked just fine until recently. I want everything to go back the way it was before he came up with the engagement rule.
Do the women in the boyfriend’s family wear headscarves?
OOP: His mother wears one and his aunt does. He has 3 brothers, no sisters. I haven’t met his grandmother yet, but I am pretty sure she wars one too.
His family knows I am not Muslim, blonde hair, green eyes and fair skin, a Christian name and my wardrobe have made that very obvious.
I get along good with his mother and brothers, the father is a very quiet man, but he grew up in my country, so did the mother. This family came from Lybia 3 generations ago.
OOP’s thoughts on getting engaged to her boyfriend
OOP: After 1,5 years he brought up engagement. Also, because we wanted to move in together and wanted to be on the rental agreement together. There was no pressure or anything. It actually took a month after our talk about engagement that he came up with the head scarf. Before that, he was fine with me dressing in summer dresses, skirts, jeans … we even went to the beach together where I was wearing a bikini and that was all just fine.
Jastinbeibo: Girl, as a Muslim, you’re NTA. It was way clear before. And if you’re not willingly going to wear the headscarf, it’s not his right to force you either. Tell him this again, and tell him whatever you feel. If he can’t respect your choices. Leave him. Honestly, idk if I’ll be bashed for being a Muslim woman, but still. If your boundaries and wants are not being respected, leave the guy, and find someone who will.🎀
OOP Thank you very much.
I don’t want to wear a scarf, that’s not me and I would feel like hiding under it. It hurts to realize that he really wants to sacrifice a 1,5 year relationship for a piece of fabric, that he says he doesn’t like it himself.
I don’t know where it all of a sudden came from, his family seemed fine with me being Christian and not behaving traditional Muslim. But suddenly everything changed, just because of hair. Hair! It’s just so crazy when you think about it.
Update #1: August 23, 2024
Allright, this is all complicated.
I called my boyfriend (?) this morning. He didn’t answer, his mother did.
I told her that I would like him to come get his stuff from my place, since this relationship will not work out any longer.
She told me, that he came home yesterday, all quiet and sad. After his father asked him what happened, he told them what I said. Apparently this caused his father to giggle, before he told his son that my reaction has been obvious all along and that he isn’t surprised at all.
Turns out, the parents aren’t the religious influence, it’s the uncle on the fathers side. Apparently he told my boyfriend, that the guests at the engagement party (its a big deal with this culture, with about a hundred people, they come from everywhere and probably bring their whole household, the dog and the neighbors) will probably have a heart attack when they see a pale blonde fiance without a head scarf.
My boyfriend must have had a very deep conversation with this uncle about tradition and being the oldest son and all that stuff. Basically brainwashing.
Long story short, he is my ex boyfriend now.
His mother will come by tonight to get his stuff.
Relevant Comments
OOP on her ex’s family’s thoughts about the whole situation
OOP: His mother said nothing about the situation between the father and the uncle. But the father is a very quiet man, he was always polite to me, but never said anything about tradition or the way I dress or my hair.
I guess since I am the one that ended the relationship, they don’t see any reason to defend anything. Their son is 28. They suggested that we get engaged and an apartment together, so he moves out of their house. My apartment is too small for 2 people and we were planning on moving in together when we are engaged.
Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy to break up, I cried a lot yesterday, while reading all those comments.
But I think it is the best thing for now. He isn’t the person I fell in love with anymore and I really don’t want to wear the damn scarf.
OOP explains more about her boyfriend’s culture and how much he actually follows the traditions
OOP: He always assured me that a head scarf will not be forced on me.
Engagement in his culture isn’t the romantic drop to the knee it is in western culture. It’s basically a big party with hundreds of people that bring gifts and eat and gossip and most of them never met the couple before and will probably not meet them again.
We planned on moving in together after the engagement party, since it would be awkward to live in separate places when engaged. Also we both wanted to be on the rental agreement for a shared apartment.
OOP on the plans she had with her boyfriend about their future together
OOP: We were planning on moving in together when we are engaged.
My current place is too small for 2 people and he is living in his parents house.
We wanted to get an apartment together and both be on the rental agreement.
He works for a public transportation company as a book keeper and I work at a car rental company. The plan was to get engaged, move in together, get married and then have a child within the next 5 years. We wanted to take one year off work each for raising the child, first one year me, then one year him. Our social system pays each parent one year parent time.
Update #2: August 24, 2024
First of all: I am shocked how much respons…
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Update #2: August 24, 2024
First of all: I am shocked how much response my posts got. I would have never thought that people would care so much. I was expecting like 20 answers, but NEVER would I have thought that this will blow up like that!
You guys are fantastic, you’ve been like therapy and I really needed that. So many loving and supportive answers, so many people helping me to do the right thing.
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart ❤️
My life has been an emotional rollercoaster the last 3 days. The future I had planned is gone, but I guess it was for the best.
So here is what happened last night.
My ex boyfriends mother came over to get his stuff. Some clothes, shoes, socks, books, his toothbrush and deodorant, stuff like that.
She brought dinner (it was chicken with bulgur and this woman is a fantastic cook!) and we sat down to talk. She told me some things I didn’t know before.
It’s not the first time my ex messed up big time with a girl he wanted to marry. When he was 22, he was in a serious relationship with a very western, very independent red head. Pale skin like me, not a Muslim drop of blood in her. They got along great. But when it came to the question of engagement, the uncle took the boy aside and told him, that this wasn’t working if the girl wouldn’t change her looks and her behavior.
The relationship ended and my ex boyfriends father got loud. He told his son, that he needs to decide what he wanted. If he wanted to live a western life style, it would be fine, but if he wanted to have a traditional wife, he needs to find someone that is raised that way.
Fast forward 4,5 years and he started dating me. His father warned him not to mess it up again and that was the last time he said anything about it.
His mother hoped he would be smarter this time.
The uncle is a very traditional man. His daughters both wear head scarfs since puberty, so does his wife. He prays, he follows the rules and since he has no son of his own, he kind of decided that my ex boyfriend (the oldest son in his family) is like a son to him.
About my almost mother in law: she wears a scarf herself. I asked her why she does and she was a little embarrassed. She told me, that she wasn’t always wearing one when she was younger. But she started to get grey hair after her second son was born in her late twenties and at some point she decided that a scarf is cheaper than the salon. So she covered her head on and off. She got used to it at some point and then didn’t go back. Strange, I know. But I haven’t been in her situation and it’s not my right to judge her.
After dinner we packed my ex’s stuff in two big shopping bags and my ex boyfriends father came to help his wife carry the bags. He told me, that he is sorry about his son’s behavior.
So, that’s it. I am single now.
Do I hope he comes to his senses and reaches out to me sometimes in the future? A little.
Do I believe that will happen? No.
shdo0365: If he get his shit together, forsake this foolish idea of changing you and accepts you or even agree to go LC with the uncle, can you see it working between you? Is he showing remorse?
OP: At the moment we are no contact and I think I will leave it at that for now. I don’t know what I will do, if he comes back. This is all so new and my head spins from “forget him” to “but I miss him” to “but he lied” to “why can’t he just be normal again” to “call him!” … and so on.
Has OOP reached out to her ex since then?
OOP: I tried to contact him yesterday, that was when his mother picked up the phone. He didn’t want to talk to me and I respect that. At the moment I don’t really know if I would want to talk to him? I wouldn’t know what to talk about, I am heartbroken and feel betrayed and telling him that wouldn’t make anything better and just result in a fight.
Keylaes: he’s in his late 20s and his parents came to pick his stuff up? Lol
OOP: Looking back I am glad his mother came to pick up his stuff. As much as I miss the good times with him, I think seeing him would have made this whole situation a lot harder for me.
Commenter: Traditional Muslim women will have traditional Muslim woman - expectations. Her income stays hers 100%, he cannot drink or smoke or eat/do haram stuff, he needs to be pious, responsible for all of the finances, etc.
He wants the double whammy of a very diluted pick-and-choose-Islam, her contributing half the money on top of the house and kids being her responsibility, but also wearing a headscarf and being subservient to him despite contributing way more than 50%.
Also the traditional Muslim woman will have her entire family and community behind her if he does not act right, while the non-muslim woman will have no muslim family on her side that knows what’s fair and isn’t fair, which makes it more difficult to get him to act right towards her as a Muslim, as they would not really know what to expect or how to support her in that regard. Everything will be put away as “Oh, that’s Western values, they don’t understand. I’m telling you it’s like this…”.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
Lol third times the charm lover boy!
Dude pick a lane.
This would have been just the first influence of the uncle, I’m glad girl got out relatively early. Ex’s dad hit the nail on the head, you take people as they are. If ex wants a woman who wears a headscarf, he should find one who already does that instead of expecting the white blonde Christians of the world to hop on board
