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The original was posted on /r/nosleep by /u/iifinch on 2024-09-09 15:18:32+00:00.

You and I are the same. We’re both so bloodthirsty.

In fact, if you asked my departed mother, you are so much worse. You, human, do not like blood as we do. Vampires sip the blood of man and beast for sustenance. My mother said you draw the blood of every creature because it excites you.

My mother said, that even those who faint at the sight of blood are hard-wired to love it, your desire just overcomes you. My mother said, you all will be the last species left on this planet because you are the cruelest. My mother said, across the millennia, it has not been good enough for us to bow to you, but we must be buried beneath you. 

I cannot even find peace in this cave.

My mother said, you have slain the Neanderthal, the Jinn, the Denisovans, the Paranthropus, Homo erectus, and even the vampire. 

That is what I was told for the first one hundred years of my life and I still don’t know what to believe.

To be honest, I didn’t care about any of that at the time. My mother lost my focus as she spoke as soon as she said both she and I would be dead soon. I had lived as a home-schooled child in in a small cave not knowing anything about the world for 100 years. She said she was on her last leg of life and I only had 40 or so years left despite my teenage look. She died that month.

Soon ( in vampire terms) I was going to be dead but before that, I wanted to live. I wanted to party. I’ve never tasted human blood and I would never be interested in it. 

There were songs to dance to and women to love. Why were we sitting in caves whining? I flew to the closest city and started my adventure. Then after failing in that city because I did not understand it (I was homeschooled remember) I went to a different city where things were much better.

I learned to trust humans along the way, all thanks to my best friends Kathleen and Barri. I want to tell you I became their friends over mutual interest, or something noble but that’s a lie and I will not lie on my deathbed.

I met the girls when I was on a tear, going to a club or bar every night and waking up beside something pretty every morning. The hookups weren’t important, just bodies for lust, adoration, romance, and memories for a couple of hours and then a bill for Uber in the morning. The night I ran into the girls something was different.

Kathleen sipped a blue drink and saw me coming. She tapped Barri, a girl who never understood subtlety, and Barri stared at my approach like a child does a new adult. Drunk and horny I sat beside Kath. Embarrassed easily, her face went red almost the same color as her pink dress.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” Kathleen said.

And then I vomited everything I had drunk in the last hour. The rainbow mix exhausted me and I almost fell out of my chair. Kathleen grabbed me before I could and Barri helped steady me.

Everything went blurry. I was blackout by this point so this is just what I was told.

“Oh, no,” Barri said. “Are you okay?”

“Ah, man,” a bouncer came by and grabbed me by the shoulder. “I’ll get this guy out of here. Sorry, he’s bothering you.”

“No, actually he’s our friend!” Kathleen interjected.

Now, why would this girl lie to protect a stranger? She said she felt bad for me but after getting to know her better I know that isn’t the whole truth.

Kathleen was a girl desperate to find Mr. Right. This was her greatest ambition. Now when I vomited on her shoes she knew I was not Mr. Right but the thing is Kathleen had vomited on a shoe or two herself, she didn’t even drink, she was that nervous.

Growing up fat, with a stutter, and bad skin, guys weren’t the nicest to Kathleen. 

Extreme diet and exercise, speech therapy, and puberty changed who she was on the outside but the years of rejection and bullying did a number on her. She was a nervous wreck around men she liked. Her constant failures only made her want true love more. Like Harvard graduates lusted for political power, Kathleen lusted for love. 

Her lust for love caused her to be a nervous wreck when the opportunity approached. Her stutter returned, and she would tell jokes that weren’t funny and she brought an air of anxiety to the interaction. So, when she saw a boy stumble over trying to introduce himself she saw a little of me in her.

Kathleen and Barri brought me over to a couch. They sat me down and Kathleen went to get me some water. So, it was just Barri and I. Now, this is the part where I start remembering again because I thought Barri’s question was so strange it almost sobered me.

“Did you mean to do that?” Barri asked with genuine sincerity.

“What… no?”

Now, one thing you should know about Barri is that she might not have any idea about what’s going on at any given time. It’s interesting because she wasn’t dumb either. She was accepted to an Ivy League school but turned it down to go to a school closer to her family. 

Barri just had gaps in her wide array of knowledge. I was homeschooled in a cave, I could relate.

“Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry,” she said. “I just know guys have like um, pick-up lines and stuff. You guys can be real tricky.” She said tricky in what I’m sure she felt was a funny accent. It was cringy.

I didn’t say anything. My head was spinning.

“Oh, no, sorry I didn’t mean to imply that you were tricky.” She patted my back twice. “I’m sure you’re a nice guy.”

I looked at her and was greeted by the most unorthodox, unpracticed, and genuine smile I had ever seen in a club or anywhere in my life.

Now one thing you should know about Barri is that because she had trouble not offending people and understanding people what she really wanted was to be understood and to be good. She was a part of about five different volunteer teams, a consistent church attendee, and was a big sister in one of those at-risk youth programs. As for being understood, she was a constant over-explainer.

They were flawed, silly people and I loved them for it.

For the first time since I walked into the human world, I realized I had found some humans I wanted to be friends with. And that’s how our yearlong friendship began—a rainbow of impulse and chasing after what we want. 

I traded sex for friendship that night and never regretted it. It was easy. The girls were a lot like me all they wanted was to have a good time before their first year of college. So, there was no sex but secrets shared, the only thing naked between us was the truth, and we were bound by trust, not fuzzy handcuffs. And I wouldn’t take back that experience for the world.

There was another who did not like it though.

Perhaps, we all are slaves to our genetics… Do you know elephants hate lions and will chase a lion down to ruin its day? The same goes for whales and orcas.

There was something from the ancient world that was a proud slave to its genes.

We clubbed every weekend night and songs steered our summer.

In July we were singing our hearts out to Chapel Ronan’s best song, not Pink Pony Club, not Good Luck Babe but Feminomen

Hit-like-rom-

Pom-Pom-Pom

Get it hot like

Papa John

As soon as we entered a club we went straight to the dance floor and earned our drinks through sweat and laughs. After that, we headed to the bar to grab drinks and then decided who would wing for who in the search for love. That night Barri and I left Kathleen at the bar so Barri could wingwoman for me.

While we were away an old man came up to Kathleen. Much to her chagrin, she always attracted men outside her age range. 

I don’t remember what the girl I liked was wearing but Barri wore a bright yellow dress and had just re-dyed her hair to be blonde.

“Oh, you like movies,” Barri said to my target for the night after awkward introduction and conversations. “Vlad really really likes movies,” Barri said again without a hint of subtlety. In truth, she wasn’t a good wingwoman at all but that was the fun of it. That’s what made all of us laugh.

“Oh,” the woman said, probably surprised by Barri’s abrasive approach.

“Do you have a favorite director?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I like horror,” she was nervous. Her drink swayed ever-so-slightly in her hand. “Oh, I saw Get Out recently it’s my favorite movie so I guess Peele.”

“You like Get Out better than Peele’s other one… US?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“Pretty eyes and that little smile you do and blessed with good movie taste. I didn’t know God played favorites,” I mocked and flashed my smile and thanks to thousands of years of vampire genetics I’m told it is quite good.

She rolled her eyes but she did do that little smile I liked. My heart raced because I knew what this could lead to.

Behind us, the old man still chatted with Kathleen. He was out of place for the EDM club we were in. He wore a plaid suit and loafers. The room glowed under the lights of the dance floor. 

Neon, orange, yellow, and pink painted the club. Dresses, tank tops, and white sneakers flowed throughout the room. This was a place for drugs, dancing, and laughter. What did this old man want?

I am protective of my friends but Kathleen knew how to get rid of him. She was just taking longer than normal.

“Whatever,” the nameless girl in front of me said. “What about you? Who do you like?”

“The only one better than Peele right now: Robert Eggers.”

“Oooh he is good,” Barri chimed in.

“Better than Peele? Lie again.” She mocked.

“You think I’m wrong?” I pretended to be aghast and put my hand to my chest in protest.

“I know you’re wrong.”

“Jordan Peele didn’t make The Witch,” I co…

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