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Mood Spoiler: sad but OOP will be ok

Original Post: September 7, 2024

I (F38) just got back from a vacation with two of my longtime friends, “Kate” (F40) and “Mary” (F38). I’ve known them both since university, and we’ve always been close. The three of us had been planning this Bali trip for a few months, along with our husbands and their kids (they both have children under 5, while my husband “Jake” (M45) and I are childfree). We agreed to split the cost of a four-bedroom villa three ways, and everything seemed fine at first.

Jake and I arrived in Bali earlier than the rest of the group because we had different flights. Once we got to the villa, we waited to choose rooms with our friends and didn’t mind when they both chose the ones with ensuites. We had a great time during the trip—Jake and I did some couples activities (massages, hiking, dinners), but we also spent time with Kate and Mary and their families whenever it worked for everyone. To be nice, I even surprised them with massages to give them a break.

The only thing that made me uncomfortable was that whenever I ordered a drink (a cocktail before dinner, or a glass of wine with meals), I’d get comments like “Oh, you’re drinking again?” For context, I’m a social drinker and don’t drink often, but we were on vacation, and I didn’t think it was a big deal, especially since our husbands were drinking too. I just ignored the comments so I could enjoy the trip.

On the last night, Jake and I made plans with the guys to go out, and Kate and Mary said they were staying in to pack. Jake convinced me to join him, and since it was the last night of our vacation, I didn’t want to stay in either. We went out and had a great time. We got home at 1am and I passed out straight after. The next morning was a bit chaotic with everyone packing and checking out, but we all made it back home without issue. We had booked business class seats back so we were separated during the flight and said quick goodbyes at the airport.

A week after returning home, I got a long text from Kate saying that both she and Mary wanted to reduce contact with me because I had “ruined their vacation.” They mentioned several things, like me drinking every night, that I wasn’t acting like a “girls’ girl,” that I booked different flights, didn’t hang out with them enough, and that I was selfish for not helping with their kids. She even said I was just focused on partying and not acting my age.This message really hurt me.

I cried after reading it, and I honestly don’t know what to think. I thought I was just enjoying my vacation, but clearly, they had a very different view. I haven’t responded yet, and my husband has been asking what’s bothering me, but I don’t know what to say.

AITA for how I acted during the trip?

Edit (4 hours later)

Thank you, Reddit, for all your kind words and support. Reading through the responses and seeing how many of you are upset on my behalf has made me reflect on how I initially planned to handle things. I was going to apologize, thinking it might be the easiest way to keep the peace, but now I realize that might not be the right approach after all.

I have also showed my husband, Jake, this post and the text message, and he told me to thank you for looking out for me. He’s actually pretty angry on my behalf about the text message. I showed him some of the comments that gave me insight on how my friends may have been feeling which has given us both a lot to think about.

He asked me what I wanted to do next and if I wanted him to respond to my friends for me. While I appreciated the offer, I told him I’m still thinking it over. He reassured me that he’s here for me no matter what, and if I decide I want him to step in, he’d be ready to say something on my behalf.

For now, I’m going to sleep on it and take some time before I respond or don’t respond to the text message. If I do, I’ll post an update. Again, thank you all for helping me see things a bit more clearly. I feel less alone in this now.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA. They are 100% jealous. There’s a stage in life where child free people do better hanging out with other child free people. People with kids can’t see past their family lives and don’t understand why you might want to live your life. I’ve been that soldier. Whatever about meeting for coffee/lunch/dinner. Travelling with them is an absolute no.

OOP: I think you’re right. I shouldn’t have gone on the trip and personally I don’t remember them being so judgemental. Thank you.

Tell your husband:

OOP: I was going to but was worried that he might want to talk to their husbands. I’m very non confrontational and was thinking about just apologizing. Thank you, I will tell him.

Commenter: Get a grip on yourself, apologise for what?

OOP: Lol given the responses I don’t think I will be apologizing. I’ve realized that actually they owe me an apology.

Commenter (downvoted): It does seem a bit weird to me that these are your friends of 15ish years and yet you chose to spend time with them only when it was a group activity. It would make more sense to me that you would want to spend time with them, go out the three of you leave the men behind, or you stay behind when the men went out. You surprised them with massages, did you arrange it for the three of you or did you send them off with their husbands? Did you babysit? You booked separate flights.

OOP: (downvoted) We did group activities or I went out with my husband. The massages were for the three of us. No, I did not babysit. As you said these are my girlfriends for about 15+ years. I should have offered to babysit without having to be asked. Thanks for a different POV.

Commenter: INFO: are they breastfeeding and can’t drink? Did they expect you to only hang out with them the whole time?

OOP: No they aren’t breastfeeding. They just aren’t drinkers. To be fair, I’m not a huge drinker myself. I think they were looking for us to have more time together.

Commenter: Info: what were THEIR husbands doing to help with the kids. You said the husbands were drinking and you would have a drink too. We’re the husbands doing 50% of the child care?

OOP: No my friends were doing the childcare primarily (from what I observed)

On how much OOP drank:

I passed out in my bed after a night out in heels (we were out at a bar till 1am and I was exhausted) I only drink as much as I can handle 4-5 cocktails is my max. As a woman in her late 30s, I have bad hangovers so I drink within reason. My husband on the other hand drinks a lot more than I can handle.

OOP is voted NTA

Update Comment: September 9, 2024 (2 days later)

Piggybacking off top comment because there’s an issue with posting an update - here’s what happened:

I spoke with Mary on text, she said she agreed on most part and they both have had a problem with me for ages because I invited them to or only organized adult only events and nothing family friendly which isn’t true. I was the one who organized her baby shower…

I added both of my ex-friends to a group chat to discuss my feelings. Throughout the interaction, no apology for their passive aggressive comments or even acknowledgement that I tried to be accomodating— I gave them better rooms, organized massages, kept our shared space organized, made all the dinner reservations, helped prep snacks, got gifts for them and the kids.

Mary just said that she’s sorry it’s come to this and Kate just ignored me. I was so disappointed in these women who I thought were my friends. I blocked them and unfollowed them on social media.

I am going to share this Reddit post with our mutual friends who want the T.

Told Jake about it, he just said good riddance. I’m going to Japan next March and Fiji in December for a wedding. I’ll be posting on social media with the caption “finally a real vacation” (thank you to the person who suggested it)

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: Out of curiosity, what did you mutual friends think about it? Ps. You’re NTA!

OOP: I spoke to a few others and they kind of mentioned that they knew and they also got some comments on other stuff in the past so they were including these two for my sake. I think I’ll be fine on the friendship front!

AITA for "ruining" my friends vacation?

AITA for "ruining" my friends vacation?

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