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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-09-27 04:00:06+00:00.
Original Title: [New Update]: My (28f) boyfriend’s (30M) ex hid a note about his cleaning/dating habits right before they broke up that I just found. How do I talk to him about cleaning habits without him feeling like I’m using his ex’s words against him?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA-ex-note
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
Previous BoRU #1
[New Update]: My (28f) boyfriend’s (30M) ex hid a note about his cleaning/dating habits right before they broke up that I just found. How do I talk to him about cleaning habits without him feeling like I’m using his ex’s words against him?
Thanks to u/soayherder & u/PitaEnigma & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: abuse, controlling behavior, hostile place, destruction of property, gaslighting, animal endangerment, stalking, assault
RECAP
Original Post: August 27, 2024
Throwaway account because I don’t want my boyfriend to find this. I posted this elsewhere but thought this subreddit could help too.
I (28f) and my bf (30m) who we’ll call “Steve” have been together for 2 years and have been living together for 8 months. I was cleaning our apartment when I found a note in the back of a cabinet. For context sake, I’ll copy it below:
“Dear Steve’s Future Girlfriend,
I know it’s you reading this because he’d never clean back here. I’m putting this here because I’m leaving him soon and want to warn you about him:
- He will not clean
- He will not listen
- He will make everything feel like it’s your fault
It’s not your fault, he’s just an incompetent man. I’m leaving him, I suggest you do the same.
Best wishes, Natalia” (name changed)
I read the note and brought it to show to him and hear his response. He immediately ripped it up and said not to listen to it, that she was crazy and untrustworthy. I told him that the fact that he hasn’t found it in the 5 years since they broke up is a red flag to me because it does mean he’s never cleaned back there and that he has been cleaning less and less since I moved in. He told me that it wasn’t a problem before the note, this is just his ex continuing to manipulate and ruin his life and I was letting it work. We continued to argue along the same lines and I eventually left to spend the night at a friend’s place.
Steve has been a great boyfriend so far. He gets along with my family. He has given me gifts and flowers and always tells me how much he loves me. He’s not wrong that the cleaning hasn’t really been brought up before, the note made me realize it had been less and less and that we needed to have a full conversation. He texted me afterwards saying he’s sorry that I felt like I had to leave but that it’s an asshole move for me to take a note over our 2 year relationship and to leave him and our pets alone.
I don’t know what to do or what to believe right now. I’m contemplating trying to find and reach out to Natalia, her name in real life is pretty unique so I think I could find her. Steve thinks I should come back home and let it go, that his past should affect our future. I feel like I could be the asshole because everything Steve has said about Natalia does make it sound like she was manipulative and petty throughout their relationship, but I don’t know what to trust.
Edit: I realized I didn’t clarify enough about the points, especially the cleaning. thought I’d add it here:
When we moved in together 8 months ago, the cleaning was 50/50. Since then, he’s been doing things less and less and i’d say it’s at like 70/30, maybe 60/40 if he listens to me right away (it depends on the week). I have to remind him to do things like bring his plates to the sink or take out the trash and I didn’t have to before. The dishes will pile up unless I do them, to the point he’s had leftover food mold on the plates.
I’m not a confrontational person so I was just asking him to fix it when it came up. The note made me reflect on it more and try to have an actual full conversation, and I will say I didn’t feel listened to when I talked to him about it. I tried to use the note to start a conversation about cleaning and he got so stuck on that I was listening to his ex instead of him, that he wouldn’t listen to what I think are valid concerns. He thinks I’m letting the note have “confirmation bias” so no matter what he says I’ll think he’s in the wrong.
Also, I didn’t leave him permanently, this all happened yesterday and I only spent one night at a friends because I didn’t feel like our conversation was going anywhere last night and he wouldn’t let me sleep until I let it go. I’m going back today and wanted to get advice and feedback before I do.
Edit 2: I appreciate all these comments with advice. I’m heading back to our place now. My plan is to first apologize for immediately bringing him the note without thinking of his feelings and validate that it’s hard to have an ex’s message found.
That being said, you’re all right that I’ve been letting the cleaning stuff get away. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to ask him repeatedly to clean. It was pointed out to me that he should’ve cleaned the shelves during his move from his ex’s place, the fact that it hasn’t been touched in 5 years is forcing me to take the not seriously.
I don’t want to throw away 2 years so I am going to ask him to come up with some clear cleaning expectations with me and designated chores. I will make it clear that cleaning is absolutely a deal breaker for me. It’s his decision on how he wants to respond.
I’ll try to update you all. Again, thank you so much for the advice.
UPDATE:
I followed your advice from the last post and tried to have a calm discussion with Steve. When I apologized for confronting him with the note, he seemed to take that as an admission of guilt and refused to listen to anything else. I had come up with a list of specific instances of not cleaning like many of you suggested, and he said I was using lists just like his manipulative ex did. So yeah, the crazy ex thing you all said was a red flag was definitely true.
When I realized the conversation wasn’t going anywhere, he even tried to block me from leaving. That’s when I knew it was done and left immediately. 2 years down the drain, but I’m glad I had the wake up call before it was too late.
I will let him cool off and then will ask my brother to come with me to grab my things while he’s not there, he has a strict work schedule so I think it’ll work out. I am planning on leaving a note there, but probably a little longer with the advice to not show it to him. I’m leaving it in the exact same place, so if he doesn’t learn his lesson about cleaning, it’ll come to haunt him. All he has to do is clean.
The biggest surprise out of all of this is that I didn’t reach out to Natalia, she reached out to me. Apparently he borrowed his friend’s phone to call her screaming that she’s ruining his life still. The fact that she blocked him and he still had her number memorized just further confirms he was the crazy ex not her.
Natalia found me on social media and wanted to make sure I was okay and was especially concerned that he’d gaslight me like he tried with her. I thanked her for leaving me the note and saving me time. We scheduled coffee for Thursday afternoon.
I wanted to thank you all again for the advice, especially the person who posted the love is respect website. I took the healthy relationship quiz after our conversation and it wasn’t great. You called out how he was weaning me into an unhealthy relationship so well.
For now, my friend said I can stay until I find a new place. I have emergency savings and a decent job, so I’m in a privileged place when it comes to this messy break up and am just trying to feel grateful for that
Just posted my final update separately, thank you all for everything
Relevant Comments
Commenter: So, what is your experience with #2 and #3 of Natalia’s note? Did you see some truth in her words there with your own past experiences with Steve?
OOP: He does listen to me I think, like when he gets me flowers, he knows my favorite. We have some hobbies in common and love to talk about them. I feel like the most he’s not listened is in this situation because he refused to get past the fact that I’m “listening to his ex over him”. That being said, since we moved in together I do feel like he’s putting in less effort when it comes to starting conversations or initiating quality time
To #3, this is hard for me to answer. I think I can be a people pleaser and tend to think things are my fault anyway, but he’s never directly said “that’s your fault” when it comes to conflict.
OOP responds to the issues she has with her boyfriend’s cleaning after showing him the note
OOP: Thank you for your feedback, I’m looking for a balanced perspective so I appreciate this comment.
I did have an issue with his lack of cleaning and have asked him repeatedly to clean up after hi…
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