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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-09-27 04:01:06+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/FAZJLU

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for not buying my fiancée’s brother an expensive wedding gift and giving second thoughts about our relationship?

Trigger Warnings: financial exploitation, entitlement

Original Post: September 16, 2024

I (32M) have a successful business in NYC, and I’m engaged to my fiancée (26F). We’ve been together for a few years, and we’re planning to get married in June 2025. I’m doing pretty well financially, and I recently bought a house where she’ll move in after the wedding.

I’m really close with my younger brother (30M), and we’ve been best friends for as long as I can remember. He got married in April, and as a wedding gift, I surprised him with a Rolex he’d been eyeing for a while. He didn’t expect it and was over the moon about it, which made me feel great because I love him to death.

Now here’s where things get sticky. My fiancée’s older brother got married two weeks ago, and leading up to his wedding, she kept making comments about how much her brother loves Rolexes. She’d mention it here and there, but I didn’t really pay much attention. For her brother’s wedding, I decided to gift him a $2,000 prepaid credit card as a honeymoon gift. I thought it was a generous gesture, and he seemed grateful.

But after the wedding, my fiancée started acting strange. Today, she finally told me she was disappointed in me. Apparently, she’d convinced herself that I was going to get her brother a Rolex, just like I did for mine. She even hinted to her brother and some of her friends that I was going to buy him a “fancy” gift, like a Rolex. Now she’s saying that I was cheap because I “only” gave her brother a $2,000 gift, and how it doesn’t compare to the $20,000 I spent on my brother’s watch.

I’m honestly shocked and upset. Why would she think I’d spend that kind of money on her brother just because I did it for mine? I love her brother, but there’s no comparison between him and my own brother, who’s my best friend. I feel like she’s completely overlooking the fact that I gave her brother a gift that most people would consider very generous.

Now I’m starting to have serious second thoughts about this relationship. I never imagined she’d put this kind of pressure on me or act like I owe her family the same kind of money I spend on my own. I’m thinking of confronting her, but I’m wondering if I’m missing something here.

AITA for not buying her brother a Rolex and being upset about her reaction?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. If that is the kind of expectation she wants out of you, you better reevaluate your relationship with her.

Commenter 2: NTA

She’s a gold digger. If your fiancee wanted her brother to have a Rolex, she should have bought it for him.

If this relationship continues, you need a prenup, preferably one that protects your premarital assets, future income, retirement accounts, and limits any post-divorce support. Her reaction when you tell your fiancee that you want a prenup and to have separate finances will tell you everything you need to know.

Commenter 3: Here’s what your fiance is really telling you. When you’re married, you’re going to be expected to use your wealth at her discretion, specifically with regard to her family. If you’re not ok with that, you need to have that conversation now. NTA

Update: September 20, 2024

It’s been a few days since my original post, and I’ve gone through many of your comments. Before I dive into the update, I want to address some common questions.

First, a lot of you criticized me for giving my brother a Rolex as a wedding gift, saying a wedding gift should be for the couple. To clarify, I did give my SIL a separate gift—a gold jewelry set from her favorite brand.

Second, many of you said some harsh things about my fiancée, questioning whether she even has a job. She’s currently completing her PhD, with offers from both Meta and Google. I have no doubt she’ll be earning a great salary once she finishes.

As for our age difference, she’s 26 and I just turned 32, so it’s only a 5-year gap. It’s disappointing that some of you assumed she was with me just for money. Also, for those who asked, she gave my brother a gift worth around $1,000.

Now, for the actual update. I asked her to meet me for dinner, and after we went to a nice restaurant, we headed back to my place. I brought up the tension that’s been building in our relationship over the last few weeks, and she immediately blamed me—claiming I embarrassed and insulted her brother with the gift I gave him.

At that point, I nearly lost it. I reminded her of everything I’ve done for her over the years, including letting her live rent-free in my old apartment (which I could easily rent out for $3,500+ per month). I was too drained to argue any further, so I brought up the topic of a prenup. I told her it was in both of our best interests to sign one before getting married.

Her reaction was intense. She went wide-eyed, started yelling, and accused me of believing she was only with me for my money. She was furious that I would even consider divorce. After arguing for over an hour, I finally said I needed more time to think about our relationship. She asked if I was breaking up with her, and I said “yes.”

She went quiet for a few minutes before asking what I wanted her to do with the engagement ring. I told her she could keep it. Then she asked about the apartment. I told her she could stay until the end of October, but after that, she’d need to find a new place. She seemed shocked by my answer, though I’m not sure what she was expecting.

In short, we’ve ended our relationship. She tried calling me yesterday, but I was in a meeting and didn’t pick up. She later texted asking if we could meet on Saturday, and while I agreed, I’ve already made up my mind—I’m not going back to her.

Her dad reached out, and while we’ve always gotten along, he was understanding and wished me the best. On the other hand, my mom isn’t happy with me, mostly because she got close to her, and I didn’t share the real reason behind the breakup.

It sucks, especially after all the time and energy I invested in the relationship, but honestly, I’m glad it happened now rather than a few years down the line. Going forward, I’m not rushing into another serious relationship unless I find the right person. Time to enjoy being single.

Comments

Commenter 1: I think u made the right decision. She is going to he earning a great salary soon why wouldn’t she want a prenup? A prenup is 2 sided so she could ask for whatever she wanted too. So yes good decision.

Commenter 2: Buying your brother that Rolex was the best money you’ve ever spent. Because what you learned about you fiancee was priceless.

Commenter 3: I’m not sure what kind of income bracket she lives in to think a $2k wedding gift is somehow insulting or embarrassing. I grew up in a tax bracket where $200 was on the very generous side.

But if she’s going to react like that, you’re better off.

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