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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-09-28 04:00:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/falsefreedom6509

My coworkers wife told me to stop following him.

Originally posted to r/AskMenAdvice & r/WorkAdvice

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

EDITOR’S NOTE: Changed initials to names for easier reading

EDITOR’S NOTE 2: OOP posted the original to 2 other subs 2 weeks prior but the r/AskMenAdvice post had the most info in the post

TRIGGER WARNING: hostile workplace, harassment

Original Post  Sept 8, 2024

I (f25) have a coworker (“Connor” m50) that I am close with. We both worked at the same university and have a lot of the same friends from there, and at our new job, we hate the same people. We are “close” but we don’t hangout outside of work, we don’t contact each other after hours, I ask about him wife and kids at least once a week (if he doesn’t bring them up first), etc. We don’t flirt, just vent.

Last week, a lady came up to me asking for a favor. She told me to stop following him around and that everyone could see what was going on and I knew it too. I was shocked because I had no idea who she was. But then it clicked and I couldn’t say anything except that I was sorry. Apparently I’ve been on her radar for awhile. My coworker (Kara) told me that the wife called her a few weeks ago to ask about me. Kara said she told her she had nothing to worry about with me because we don’t like each other like that (which is 1000% true). Kara said that I has nothing to worry about as the wife is mentally unstable and whatever problems are going on in their marriage are not my problem.

I spoke with HR. I first started off with saying that I do not want anything done or said for the time being, and made that very clear. I told her what happened, but not who it was. She, however, already knew who it was. She told me that she had seen Connor and I together frequently. I assured her it wasn’t anything more than conversation. She said that they could have the wife banned from the campus, but I said no as I didn’t want to embarrass Connor.

I haven’t talked to Connor since then. He’s hanging around my area of work, but I’ve been avoiding him like the plague because I don’t know what to do. Kara says he is really embarrassed about the whole thing and that I should just act like nothing happened. But in my mind, something did happen and it was kind of big.

What should I do when I see him tomorrow?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Rough-Foundation-691

Lot of expert “HR here” people not asking, where did this happen? Pretty darn important question.

OOP

Inside the office. I was alone in the supply room and she blocked the door with her body

TranceGemini

Holy absolutely inappropriate contact, Batman!! Why isn’t this nutcase already banned?!? This behavior doesn’t pop up out of nowhere–the coworker DEFINITELY knows his wife is unstable.

OOP when asked why she was following him around

I wasn’t following him around like that. We had a weeklong event back in July. My boss just assigned me to work with his team around that time. His department deals with a lot of heavy lifting. My boss wanted someone from our team to be there to help guide him and his team since we basically leave the event. She felt it was best if I’d be there because that’s my area of expertise and i’m the strongest member in my department so I could easily help with any lifting they needed. There was never any funny business, just business. Sure, we talked about things other than work, but it was mostly his family. We never got into anything personal.

Update  Sept 21, 2024

EDITOR’S NOTE: OOP recapped the original post, editing it out

Sorry to not post the original, but it accidentally got deleted. But the update you are all about to read is a dozy.

I had no idea about the unexpected drama that was about to be unfolded. Before his wife confronted me, my coworker and his wife were invited to dinner with one of the higher-ups. Out of the blue, the wife pulled out a speech from her purse, accusing my coworker and me of having an affair and read it out loud! HR had caught wind and asked him about it after seeing us together at an event, which was normal for us. When my coworker got angry over the accusation, HR assumed it must be true and started asking everyone in the office for their opinions on the situation. My friend told me my coworker called her to say his wife wanted to talk about me, and she reassured her that I wasn’t a threat. But when his wife saw me talking to him, she freaked out and confronted me. My friend said my coworker didn’t want me to worry, but their silence put me in a tough and vulnerable spot. I made it clear to HR that while my coworker and I get along, there’s nothing romantic—he’s twice my age and focused on supporting his family. Since then, I’ve just been following his lead. One minute he acts like nothing happened, the next he avoids me completely. People around are talking and now we need to decide where we go from here. But it’s been almost three weeks since the wife confronted me and the drama behind it all has been going on for awhile now. I don’t know what to do.

  Edit 1: Thank you to everyone who has shared their opinions and offered advice. I want to clarify that, from my perspective, there has never been any attraction or feelings between us. In our office of about 30-40 people, it’s common to ask about each other’s families. I’ve met his kids, who come in twice a week, and he often shares updates about their lives. Asking about his wife is simply a way to acknowledge her presence; we’ve never spoken negatively about her and I actually admired how obsessed he is over her. We have a shared connection through our time at the university—he worked there before I started, and I now do contract work there on weekends. He currently works part-time at the university in addition to our main job, but we have different schedules. I work during the day and attend university at night, while he works at the university during the day and our other job at night. Importantly, we’ve maintained a professional relationship at work. We rarely have lunch together, don’t reach out outside office hours, and while we are friends on social media, we don’t interact there either. I came here to ask on how to handle the matter in the best way. We have not spoken about what has been going on but he goes from acting like everything is fine to being distant again. Unfortunately, we do still have to work together and there is no where else for me to be moved to as I am already in a different department.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

pumpkin-patch85

If he’s not your friend outside of work and it’s just a misunderstanding, then let your co worker know and handle it and stay away from him completely.

OOP

I wish it were that easy, we still have to work closely. He knows what happened and my friend said he is really embarrassed by it. He also told her that he tried to warn me a couple of weeks ago. He told me that someone made a comment then I was hanging around his guys too much. But his guys are in their 80s and I talk to them maybe once a week. He wouldn’t tell me who said it or in what context, but just told me to “watch my back.” I thought maybe I had distracted them or one of them complained about me. So I stayed away from them, but not from him, and he didn’t act any different either. And what he told me was completely different that was actually going on. I’m not saying it’s his fault, but my understanding was completely different from what was actually going on.

pumpkin-patch85

You can work with him professionally and not have any other kind of interaction. No texts, no social media.

Also, you don’t need to make any small talk or ask about his wife once a week like you have been in the past. Just stay away. It’s not hard.

OOP

That’s the thing though. We don’t call or text or hang out outside of work. Interactions have only ever been work related. I guess the only thing I can think of is we only communicate through admin, but to be honest, they both suck and we end up having to give communicate with each other directly anyway. That’s kind of been the recurring issue.

~

SPA599

I was wondering if the older colleague might have a crush on OP without her realizing it. He may be someone who talks about his workday when he goes home and brings up OP’s name a lot. The wife probably heard about OP so much that she thought the worst.

OOP

I think you’re right. He has mentioned a few times before that he told his wife something(s) w…

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