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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-09-29 04:01:01+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Dangerous_Contact737
AIO? A friend of mine invited me to join a cooking/potluck group. Turns out it has existed for months and consists of all our friends except me.
Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting
Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Original Post Sept 21, 2024
This sounds incredibly high-school, but we are all at least 40 and I’ve known some of these people for almost 30 years. Today my friend randomly texts me, “What do you think about [ethnic cuisine]?” I said I hadn’t had it very many times, but liked it when I did. He mentioned that he had a group that got together and made recipes to bring and share, they met fairly frequently and would I be interested? They were even meeting TODAY if I wanted to join them, but I wouldn’t be expected to cook anything. I was busy today but I said I’d be interested for the future.
So he invites me to their Facebook group. Turns out it is every single one of our mutual friends, it’s been around since January, and they’ve gotten together at least once a month.
I. Am. Absolutely. Furious. But am I overreacting? My problem with this is that we all know each other and I am just as much of a foodie and hobby cook as the rest of them. They all know this because I have invited them to my house for food, made them food, brought them food, participated in potlucks, etc…but they all formed this group without inviting me. More than that! We actually HAVE a whole-ass other Facebook group to which I AM invited, which is for suggesting restaurants and other get-togethers for the purpose of enjoying food.
Instead I find out that, while I’ve been just SO understanding about how BUSY everyone is and how I’ve deferred to their schedules and tried to not take it personally when people can’t hang out…they’ve all been hanging out with each other regularly.
Is my anger justified or am I out of line?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Blippy_Swipey
Look, it’s perfectly reasonable that you are feeling hurt, but it is time to take a long deep look in a mirror.
If they all made a new group with the purpose of not having you in, you did something. You either pissed off someone, or you were being rude to someone, or something along those lines.
Why? Maybe you were stressed at work, or something at home, or bunch of things together. But, I guess you started being an ass and made someone (or more of them) uncomfortable.
I would gently and genuinely ask that one friend that invited you. Sit with him and LISTEN. Don’t get defensive and start justifying whatever he tells you. Listen and learn.
My bet is that you started behaving better lately and they are letting you back in.
OOP
That’s just it, I really haven’t been. I haven’t seen much of these people at all, we’re all busy with jobs and lives, there is literally nothing I could have done that anyone would be mad about. I’ve just been going about my life like, “Well, we’ll get together when we have the chance,” turns out they just don’t want to bother.
I don’t even particularly care about being a “C list friend” and I don’t expect to be invited to everything. But it really feels like a slap in the face to be, I dunno, so openly excluded. Especially when one of the people involved is someone who doesn’t hesitate to get in touch when she needs something, and owes me about 500 favors for all the times I’ve happily helped her out. I don’t do things expecting quid pro quo, but this has really sent home in a big way that that friendship is clearly nowhere near as reciprocal as I thought.
OOP Updated - Same Post/Next Day Sept 22, 2024
Update: After venting my feelings to Reddit and having a sleepless night, I decided to CALMLY text the friend back who invited me. I asked him, “Can I ask a question? This group looks like it’s been around for a while. Are you really looking to add more people? I don’t really want to wreck an established vibe.” And he gave me a thoughtful reply about how he wanted to try the group with the people who were most likely to want to keep doing it, and see if it had any staying power past the first couple events. Since that was successful, now he wanted to invite a few more people.
I thought that was a reasonable explanation and I am definitely less mad. As many people pointed out, he did invite me!
He also invited me to the group chat. There was a CHAT too. I found out that both he and 500 Favors Friend had been organizing these events all summer, and she’s hosted two of them. The last time I saw this woman was in JULY (what month is it? Almost October?) where she proudly showed off her new patio furniture, and I jokingly said I really looked forward to her next grill party.
Which happened to be the following weekend…not that I was fucking invited.
I did read the chat and there was certainly no kind of “Let’s make sure OP doesn’t find out!” involved at any point, but I still feel pretty upset that I’ve been trying to make time for someone I thought was one of my closest friends, and not only has she not been making time for me, she made a conscious choice not to.
The upshot: Friend who invited me: 👍 He was kind enough to explain his reasoning and in my mind it makes perfect sense. 500 Favors Friend, who I certainly had no reason whatsoever to think she’s been blowing me off all fucking summer, until I found this out? 👎 Downgraded to acquaintance.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Super_Selection1522
Personally, I’d drop them all and find new friends. Probably I would be over reacting too. But trust would be broken. They have LIED to you multiple times. Are they really friends? Sound like users to me
OOP
I didn’t mention this in my original post, but while this conversation was happening with the friend who invited me, I was also texting the Friend of 500 Favors because I wanted to see if I could treat her to a birthday meal since her birthday is coming up. Her answer was “I’m pretty busy this weekend, but I’ll let you know!”
She didn’t know I had just been invited to the event for which she was “too busy”.
There has definitely been lying, although I really can’t say HOW often I’ve been brushed off because this group was getting together.
~
Commenter
Are you overly judgy about other people’s food (restaurant or otherwise)? Are you so skilled they may have been intimidated to bring you in? Sounds like you need to calm your tits and have a casual convo. Like “This is awesome, why are you just not inviting me?” but in a genuinely friendly and not passive aggressive way.
OOP
No! In fact the friend who invited me is a trained chef and went through culinary school! He is amazing. Everyone else is competent and I am not better or worse.
The group is also half couples and half singles, I’m also a token straight among the gays but that has never been an issue either.
And yeah, the reason I’m asking the internets is so I DON’T cause a blow-up purely based on my initial reaction.
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