This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-09-29 04:02:01+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/rhodathebadseed & u/standingintheshadows
My mother (60s), published her diary in which she writes about resenting me (now 30sF) as a child. Not sure how to respond.
TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse, past trauma
Original Post Feb 27, 2016
I apologize for the wall of text. My mother has fancied herself a writer for as long as I can remember. She has kept journals, dating back to junior high school, detailing everything from first periods to first boyfriends, etc. After numerous rejection letters from publishing houses, my mother decided to self publish her book. She has been asking for family and friends to review her book, and after several months of avoiding the situation, my sister bought it. She was skimming through it while on the phone with me, and nearly immediately advised me against reading it.
I did, and was saddened, but not really surprised to learn that it’s filled with not only memories of her growing up, but my first years as well. I am portrayed as both the light of her life and the bane of her existence. I am extra work, I hound her with my large vocabulary, I whine and I am rude and that gets in the way of her loving me, and so much more.
My mother has always been self centered, and as a child, I endured a ton of emotional abuse from her. I left home early and our relationship is still strained, even twenty something years later. Her narcissistic tendencies have continued, impacting her relationships with her grandchildren.
Reddit, I am just so done. I don’t know how to respond to her request for a “book review.” She cries victim every time I’ve tried to tell her the truth about her behavior, and I’m painted as the bad seed.
I am so used to her behavior that, while I was saddened by what she wrote, resignation was the overwhelming emotion. She’s never going to change, there isn’t anything I can do to make her realize she’s not destined to be the next Elizabeth Gilbert, and I am done trying. She has the ear of my grandparents, who are also maligned in the book, and my stepdad, all of whom I love dearly. My relationships with them would suffer if I went no contact with my mother.
tl:dr: My mother is the James Frey of 2016, wrote a bunch of hurtful and incorrect things about me in her book. Mother paints herself as victim when attacked.Don’t know how to deal with her bullshit. Help.
Update 1 Sept 22, 2016
About a year ago I wrote about volume 1 using a throwaway, and now I can’t remember the name or find the post. I’m sorry, guys, this will be long, but forgive me. I’m devastated and rambling right now.
My mom is a writer. Last year she self published her book on Amazon, and basically it’s a collection of journal entries from childhood to present. Book 1 was kid years until I was like 7 or 8. Book 1 detailed her abuse as a child, failed marriages, my birth, growing resentment over having to deal with husband and child. Lovely stuff.
It was heartbreaking to read my mother’s detailed descriptions of things she would do when she was upset; withhold attention, affection, snap at me, yell, hide. I was never good enough for my mother, and her journal entries explained how she knew she was engaging in these hurtful behaviors, but did not stop.
Unlike volume one, which was announced to high heaven (mom, you’re using a pseudonym, why are you announcing this to the world), this book was published with very little fanfare.
In it, I go from a shitty 8 year old to a shitty 20 year old. Details are skewed, distorted, twisted, and sometimes they’re outright lies. It’s not just me, my mother attacks everyone in my family. Her parents, her husband that she is still married to, everyone.
It’s shocking how much hate and vitriol this woman has, and I’m the main target. She’s deeply unhappy with her life, and has never been satisfied, so she lashes out in misery. From detailing my lazy eye, to my bitterness over her divorce, to the fact that I was adopted, to glasses, everything is a weapon used against me.
She attacked my kids, writing that I had them too young, and too many…I have 3…and they are a curse. I love my kids more than anything, and dedicated myself to being a better parent than she ever dreamed of being. On most days I think I was successful. Other days, like today, I just feel awful.
I was used to this when I lived with her, but I’m 40 now, mostly out of her reach. This is the lowest of blows. Every feeling I had when I was a kid, every insecurity and fear and feeling of worthlessness is just flooding back and I can’t stand it.
Confronting her, or even going no contact, will play into her status as a professional victim. If I write an unfavorable review, or even call her on her bullshit, she’d still play the victim. She doesn’t cause problems, in her mind they happen to her.
Help, Reddit. Please.
tl:dr My mother is the female James Frey, inventing and twisting truth in a pair of memoirs that are hurtful and damaging and now published on Amazon. I am devastated.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Starcrossedforever
It doesn’t sound like her presence in your life has any redeeming qualities. Go no contact and don’t look back. It might fit into her narrative a victim, but she’s going to do that regardless. You are trying to model healthy relationships for your children. You will never be able to do that 100% until you remove your mother from your life.
I’m so sorry this happened. I also suggest therapy because this has to be a mindfuck.
[deleted]
I remember her original post, and I believe the consensus was that she should cut her mother off. But she hasn’t followed that advice, and here she is coming back with the exact same problem again.
She is looking for a magic wand to make her mother love her. As hard as it might be to swallow, that magic wand does not exist.
OP needs to get into therapy and come to terms with the fact that she will never have a positive relationship with her mother, and that it would be best for her and her children to never speak to her again.
OOP
You’re right. I think I’ve been chasing the idea that she can change, and with this latest volume, I realize it’s impossible.
I think it’s time to go no contact. Thanks
~
Information_High
Are you identified by name in this book?
Does the book contain factually incorrect statements about you that could damage your reputation and/or cause you demonstrable financial harm?
If so… that’s libel. Major grounds for a lawsuit, if you suffer provable damages. (Loss of job, loss of clients if you own a business, etc)
OOP
She gave me a pseudonym as well. I thought about that, but other than damaging my reputation with friends of hers and our family, no one would know it’s me.
Update 2 Jan 31, 2017
Hi all. I posted this rant about my mother a few months back.
I received some wonderful advice from many of you (thanks, u/starcrossedforever) and wanted to give a little update.
I’ve been no contact with her since about a week after that last post. I sent her a brief email, detailing the why of it all, and said I don’t want any contact except in the case of extreme emergency.
She never responded. She emailed me once, before Christmas, to let me know she was mailing something to my kids. I responded only with their email addresses and phone numbers so she could contact them directly.
I don’t expect to ever heal this rift, there is no magic wand to make her love me, and my mother will never recognize her own faults. I’ve done some therapy and a TON of soul searching and realized, that’s ok. I don’t need the negative in my life. I’m better off without her.
I spoke to my grandparents briefly about the situation and they were so much more supportive than I could have hoped. My grandma gives me the occasional update but she’s as done as I am.
So that’s it, no drama, nothing except for a closed chapter in my life and a lot less weight on my back.
Much love and thanks to you all. :)
RELEVANT COMMENTS
rebelheart
Why on earth would you give that woman your kids’ contacts? She’s only going to tell them all kinds of lies about you, I guarantee it.
OOP
My kids are nearly grown, 17, 18 and 19. My mom lives in another state, and their contact with her was already limited. They have watched this unfold from the beginning, and while I didn’t give them intimate details, they know enough.
They’ve also had personal experience with her. My older daughter confided in her when she was going through a really difficult time. My mother swore to keep her secrets, then promptly turned around …
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1frvxtq/my_mother_60s_published_her_diary_in_which_she/