This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/ShadowPouncer on 2024-10-02 02:51:56+00:00.

“The last time I wanted to die was six months ago.”

She slowly rolled up her sleeves, and then showed her arms, palms up, “That’s when I got these.”

The long scar up her right arm was straight, the one up her left arm was more jagged.

"It wasn’t the first time that I wanted to die, it wasn’t even the first time I took… Steps.

“But it was the first time I did something like that.”

She pauses, taking a deep and somewhat ragged breath, “I wish I could say that it was the last time I would want to die.”

She looks down, “Or the last time that I’d try to make it happen.”

She closes her eyes, taking another deep and ragged breath, before tilting her head up, and opening her eyes, eyes which had a frightening depth to them, “I wish that I could say that it was a one time thing. But I can’t.”

“I suffer from depression. I have for much of my life, and… I probably will for the rest of my life.”

She gives a very wry smile, one with very little happiness in it, “Sometimes I think that it’s just a matter of time, that I already know that I’ll die by my own hand.”

Another deep breath, her eyes now shining with unshed tears, “Sometimes I can believe that I’ll keep my head above water, that I’ll be able to keep wanting to live enough that I won’t ever go through with it.”

“I really want to believe that.”

A long pause, then a slow look around the room, “Today, I know, I can acknowledge that there are people in my life that want me to live. That would be hurt if I didn’t. Who want to be there for me.”

The tears are not entirely unshed at this point, "And I am more thankful than I can ever say for those people. I’m not sure if I’d still be here or not without them, but I do know that my good days wouldn’t be nearly as good without them.

"But I also know that they can’t save me. That it’s not up to them if I make it through the darkness or not.

"I wish it was. I wish that they could make that choice, and that I would never have to face my depression alone again.

“But… I’m also glad that they can’t. That if I don’t make it, that it won’t be their fault. That it can’t be their fault. No matter what.”

Tears are actively falling now, even though her smile has more happiness in it than it did, or perhaps because of it, “I won’t say that my depression isn’t partially situational. That my environment and those around me have no impact. That would be a lie, and it would be a massive disservice to people who do so many things, for me and others, to try and help us.”

"But I will say that sometimes… Sometimes it’s a fight that those of us who suffer from depression like mine have to fight alone.

"Not because we want to, not because nobody wants to help, not because there aren’t people in our lives who would fight it for us if they could.

"But because sometimes… Sometimes the depression won’t let us see the people around us who care.

"It won’t let us know that we are loved, and that there is no way that our dying would help them more than it would hurt them.

"Sometimes we have to face our demons alone, in the darkness. Even if we’re surrounded by those who love us, even if we’re being held by them, sometimes the depression won’t allow us to be anything except alone in the darkness of our own minds.

"Sometimes, it’s a fight that we have to fight every hour of every day.

"Sometimes, we can go months, or even years, without much of a struggle.

"And then we find ourselves in the darkness with our demons once more.

"Not because anything around us has changed, but because we suffer from depression, and that depression isn’t always about facts, or logic, or even reality.

“Sometimes it’s just the demons of our own minds, lying to us, hiding the world from us, making us all alone, even when that’s not true.”

The smile grows a little more real, “Today I’m alive. Today I want to be alive. Today I’m happy to be alive.”

“I hope that I feel the same way tomorrow. And I hope that tomorrow you feel that way as well.”

"But if we don’t, if the darkness returns, I hope that we can find the light again.

"And if some day we fail, I hope that those who love us remember that it’s not their fault.

"It’s not our fault either.

"Sometimes the demons win. Sometimes the disease kills us.

"But like I said. Today isn’t that day. Today I’m happy to be alive.

“And just because sometimes we have to fight alone, it doesn’t mean that we have to lose.”