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The original was posted on /r/nosleep by /u/adorabletapeworm on 2024-10-13 14:28:13+00:00.

When it comes to Samhain, Orion takes great pains to keep the Neighbors from causing complete chaos in town. While some of our practices might be controversial, believe me, things would be far worse if we didn’t follow through on observing them.

(If you’re not familiar with what Orion Pest Control’s services are, it may help to start here.)

My tips for staying safe from the Neighbors and other spooky things that could be lurking about on Halloween are fairly simple: follow traditions, and by that, I don’t mean that yinz have to go as far as Orion does. Generally speaking, all you really have to do is participate in some typical Halloween fun.

For starters, carve some pumpkins. You don’t even have to be good at it. Any design will do. As you will see in a moment, they’re not just decorations. And if you’re planning to leave the house, make sure to wear a costume. It’ll make it harder for less intelligent Neighbors to discriminate between who’s human and who’s not. The more of yourself that you conceal, the safer you’ll be.

Not the outgoing type? Hand out some candy. Even if you don’t encounter anything unusual during the evening, the kids on your block will appreciate it. And don’t be that person that hands out raisins. Not only are you at risk of having your house egged (which you would absolutely deserve, by the way), you never know if one of the trick-or-treaters is going to take it a little too personally. It’s best to keep in mind that what you’re handing out is an offering.

In summary, all of the usual Halloween traditions aren’t just for fun. They have ancient roots, all designed to protect us. Unfortunately, many people have forgotten that. Others were never warned to begin with, which is why I’m making a point to do it now. This way, everyone has time to prepare.

So those are the steps I recommend for regular people to take. That brings me to the extra measures that Orion takes to keep our operating area safe.

So, to start, here’s a little linguistic fun fact: the word ‘bonfire’ is a combination of the words ‘bone’ and ‘fire.’ Many ancient celebrations involved the use of such fires to purify and protect against evil. For Samhain, in particular, it was believed that the flames would help the sun push back the darkness and cold of the upcoming winter.

Here’s where the ‘bone’ part of the bonfire comes in for us. Every year, one of the local farms will donate one of their cattle. To make things fair, each of the farms around the area rotates who is responsible for this donation each year. Because of that, sometimes the bones are provided by a sheep, sometimes it’s a cow, though chickens and ducks seem to do the job as well.

Our preferred spot to hold this bonfire is on a hill just outside of town that’s devoid of any trees to lower the risk of brush fires. The fire will be lit an hour before sunset and maintained until sunrise. When it comes to the sacrifice, we try to do it as humanely as possible. Once the deed has been done, the animal will then be placed onto the fire as an offering.

I know, it sounds barbaric, but believe me, these animal’s deaths are not in vain. They serve an extremely important purpose.

There are some Neighbors that can only come out during Samhain. The bonfires that we maintain are the only things that can keep them at bay.

Before we used the hill we do now, we were at another spot that was near the ‘burbs. But then one fateful year, someone on the HOA got a bug up their butt about us doing ‘Satanic rituals’ and called the police on us. To top it off, the HOA had also announced that they would not allow any ‘occult’ decorations, including skeletons, witches, and of all things, jack o’lanterns, much to the outrage of many residents. Quite a few homeowners flocked to party stores in droves to buy as many tacky decorations as they could in protest.

Yeah. One of those HOAs.

Because of that, our bonfire was cut short. Since I was still relatively new at the time, Victor put me in charge of starting another fire somewhere far away from the ‘burbs while he patrolled the area to see if something had emerged from the Mounds during this momentary distraction.

That something was The Lady in White.

About an hour after our initial bonfire was forcibly extinguished, Victor got a call from one of the suburbanites.

“Hey, so, uhhhh, I just got chased by a- I don’t know what to call it! A giant… demonic… pig thing! It’s just outside my door and- Oh my! Oh my God!”

Once Victor asked the client where he was, the client gave him the address before finding somewhere in his house to hide. Victor went off to deal with it alone.

Just outside of the client’s house stood a headless woman, dressed in opulent, lacey finery, hence why we call her The Lady. When we did more research on her garments, trying to determine where she could have come from, we discovered that she had been wearing a wedding dress that looked to be from the 1500s. We still aren’t sure what the significance of that is.

The Lady was accompanied by, of all things, a large black pig. Although, according to Victor’s description, ‘large’ is an understatement. It was only a little bit shorter than the client’s Toyota Corolla. Another notable feature was that the pig had no tail, though, given its size and temperament, the missing tail is the least worrisome thing about it.

The pig had stood outside the client’s front door, grunting as it sniffed aggressively with its nose pressed against the wood. It kept grating its hooves against the ground impatiently as if wondering why the door wouldn’t magically open.

Just as Victor withdrew his pistol, The Lady had turned towards him. Despite not having a head, he knew she could see him. Her hands were folded politely over her midsection, her posture stiff from centuries of propriety. At the same time, the pig’s head suddenly snapped in Victor’s direction, quickly forgetting about the client. It let out a guttural squeal as it charged, excited that it had found new, more readily accessible prey.

Victor had taken a shot at the pig as he raced back towards the company truck. Unfortunately, he’d missed, so the pig was hot on his heels. The Lady, hands still folded, slowly glided after them, the skirts of her fine dress billowing in the wind as she took each step.

Victor stumbled onto the porch of the house across the street, taking aim as he pounded on the door. It hadn’t escaped his notice that the pair didn’t appear to be able to get inside the other house. That most likely meant that they couldn’t enter human dwellings without the homeowner’s permission. Unfortunately for him, there were no lights on inside the house he’d chosen. Nobody came to answer the door.

He’d thought he was completely fucked until he turned to see that the pig’s pursuit had abruptly stopped. So had The Lady’s.

In his haste, the boss hadn’t noticed that there was a row of jack o’lanterns sitting on the porch right by the steps, each face carved into goofy, lopsided smiles. The pig stared down at the family of pumpkins as the candles within danced. The Lady came to stand next to the massive animal, reaching one hand down to stroke its head. The pig grunted softly, then the ghastly pair turned back to patrol the street for any more souls unfortunate enough to be caught outside after dark.

Victor had gotten incredibly lucky that he’d come across one of the households protesting the ban on ‘occult symbols.’

He’d waited until The Lady and her horrible pet had wandered further down the road, watching them, silently hoping that I’d get that bonfire started before they got to someone else (I promise, was going as fast as I could).

His heart sank when he heard the whooping of two drunks walking home from a nearby Halloween party. Following the riotous noises were the shrieks of the monstrous black pig.

In a moment of desperation, Victor picked up one of the smaller jack o’lanterns, tucking it under his arm as he rushed towards the commotion. It might seem silly, but at the time, it was his best defense.

The drunks had gone from joyously hooting and hollering to screaming as The Lady’s terrible companion charged them. Victor opened fire on the pig’s large behind, managing to hit it just as it clamped its jaws around one of the drunk’s forearms. The pig didn’t appear to notice as it began to shake him around in its jaws like a chew toy. All the poor man could do was wail as his friend tried in vain to pry the pig’s jaws apart.

The whole time, The Lady just watched, hands folded in a show of perfect manners.

Victor held the jack o’lantern up at the pig. At the same time, I’d managed to get another fire going on the hill that would grow to become our usual Halloween bonfire spot.

Victor had said that the pig suddenly released the man, its ears twitching. The Lady began to walk forward, heading towards the forest. The pig followed, blood dripping from its massive jaws. Victor waited until they disappeared into the treeline before rushing over to the drunks.

The pig had broken the man’s forearm so severely that the appendage was facing backwards. His shoulder had also been dislocated while being flailed around. As grotesque and painful as his injuries were, at least he got out with his life. By some miracle, he even managed to keep his arm, though I guess to this day, it still doesn’t move properl…

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