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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/LukeWasNotHere on 2024-10-28 04:42:35+00:00.

While I was kidnapped with Scout again I remembered the first act I ever committed in this city, it was a felony. Unless you are a cop reading this on the internet, then this never happened, all jokes. You can’t prove anything. My first act in this city was knitting for all you know. 

A box. It required a box and a decently good (anonymous) friend. A friend with a medium sized chest or box for the less romantic of you. The Rider who brought me to the planet was a Caelum woman I grew up with. She was so unfathomably calm it was a step away from looping back to high strung. 

After a few close calls with space pirates and other such wonderful things we made it to the Caelum planet, more specifically the city of Victory. With great haste, due to something going wrong with I think both the oxygen and FTL engine. We made it a day early. 

You see the bigger issue was the revolver stuffed in my pants. That’s not a metaphor. Due to some wonderful loopholes made long before Humans came into the picture, once a gun is over a hundred years old you no longer need a license for it. 

After your eighteen. The government thought that any gun (I say ‘gun’ at least) a hundred years old or older is practically an antique only good for one thing, badass home décor. For their guns this is true, my Colt Single Action Army was made by a gunsmith a hundred years ago in Bakunawa, to the day. Close call. The taser-stun rounds it shoots are Alien technology, it could knock down a Caelum or even a Grunta in one shot. Trust me. 

So several loopholes due to bureaucracy and general slowness of the Council, which almost certainly will not be fixed in my lifetime, as long as I was eighteen I could bring this gun to another planet. A Private Investigator license I was soon to get would mean I could legally conceal carry that gun. 

You read the title. 

On the brightside, I was gonna turn eighteen tomorrow. The plan was to take a day longer route to the planet, have my birthday in freaking SPACE, how cool is that? Show up exactly the age not to get arrested. But, stupid space pirates damaged the ship, she had to take the fast route, and so we had to land when I was still seventeen. Thus the box with a false bottom. 

I was cramped into her chest quite comfortably. I suppose there are perks to only being five feet tall. I will take the time to let you finish giggling or wheezing to yourself because I now just realized how dirty the start of my paragraph was. It was also her clothing and underwear chest. You’re all filthy, she’s a family friend. 

“Are you sniffing my panties?” She laughed and asked me through the box. Okay she’s filthy too. 

“No.” I answered back depressed and so red if anyone did find me they would think I was a tomato. 

“Heh, your loss.” I heard some more muffled laughs from her and she easily picked up the box. 

“Oh, Jesus H. Christ!” I yelped, the wood moaned and cracked. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for the sensation of rapidly hitting the ground booty first. Thankfully it stopped creaking. 

“Okay, quiet time now Theseus. Don’t worry, Mommy will make sure everything will be fine.” She said and let out another evil laugh. 

“I hate it when you call yourself Mommy! You’re only a year older than me! We grew up together!” I angrily whispered back through the box. As I wobbled in that cursed thing I wondered if this was foreshadowing for the rest of my time in Victory. Close calls, tight squeezes, and the looming threat of jail or death. Yes, past Theseus, the answer is yes. I sat in the box, thought about future Theseus, and really hoped the answer was yes. It made another horrible sound and I tried not to cry. 

“Just my personal items boss, visited a few friends on Earth on my vacation and took a few souvenirs.” My perverted friend said, I held my breath. 

“Okie dokie!” I heard a high voice through the box. “I’ll just give the box a quick look, no need for any scans or x-rays.” 

“I’m kinda in a hurry, could I just go? We both know I’m not gonna bring anything stupid back home.” My friend asked. 

“Yeah I know, what would even bring?” There was a long pause. “A Human?” The lady (whom I imagined very small) asked. 

They both laughed. “I’ll be quick, don’t worry.” She opened the box, I held my breath even more, and tried to stop my heart from beating so loud. 

“For someone so serious you have very brightly colored undies.” The little lady joked, I tried not to laugh through the false bottom. “Wait a minute, what’s this?” She said.

I began to furiously swear in my head.

I heard her hand scratch near the bottom of the box.

I quietly cocked my gun. 

Okay, my Friend and I could shoot our way out but that would be a pain. I mean she probably knows a way out that wouldn’t involve gunfire. I mean whoever this other lady is seems like friends with her, maybe everything will be fine. Right? I don’t want to shoot her, she seems lovely. 

“Human booze? C’mon you know you need paperwork for that if you have more than two.” The little lady laughed and helpfully interrupted my overthinking. 

“There, now I only have one.” My friend reached in the box and gave her the other bottle. 

“In that case have a great day!” The little lady’s smile was something I heard through the wood of the box. It was at that point I fell out of it. The bottom finally broke, didn’t even give me a warning groan. I landed, my eyes tried to adjust to the two morning suns of the planet. The lady who was actually little looked down at me. 

“First door to the left, you’ll find a map of the building on the wall, take it, find the nearest exit, mind the cameras, and don’t get caught.” She offered me up. My dirty friend gave a shrug as my only comfort. I grabbed my backpack which had everything I owned, I checked if my gun was loaded, put on my hat, stretched, and spent my last day as a minor committing way more felonies.

Allegedly.

Author’s note: Almost late again, so quick story about Theseus’ first day in Victory.

Vaguely important second note: This isn’t a series, though it could be debated. It’s an idiotic writing challenge I made up one night and keep almost failing. Writing a one shot everyday for thirty days. I write these like an episodic T.V. show, the two main characters are the same, sometimes there are two part episodes but it’s meant to be enjoyed on its own. The fact it can be read in order is a bonus afterthought. Context is overrated anyways.

Thanks for reading. :}

22/30 Days

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