This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/LukeWasNotHere on 2024-10-29 00:42:29+00:00.

“C’mon it can’t be that hard, put ‘em up!” Scout raised her fist in what she thought was a boxing guard of some sort, with a wicked smile. 

“That’s not how you make a fist. Don’t put your thumb in it.” I said mostly to my hands, taking some form of psychic damage.

“C’mon himbo! We get kidnapped every couple days at this point, what if I don’t have the gun you gave me? I gotta learn how to knock somebody out!” She wiggled her fist around in a vaguely threatening motion. She threw a limp punch at me, which I caught and shooed away. 

“Yeah like that! Teach some. . . what do Humans call it ‘boxing-kick’? Something like that right?” Scout continued to throw useless, horribly telegraphed, slow punches that off balance her every sluggish step of the way. I easily dodged or blocked them. She actually mimicked my style quite well, minus the form. We need to hang out less, and finally get divorced. 

“Kickboxing. It’s called kickboxing and how about just for today I’ll teach you how to jab, cross.” I said as I ducked under another horrible punch. I rubbed my temple and called upon my ancestors for patience. I didn’t want to teach her, but her punches were so bad I had a moral duty to fix them. 

“Alright, now we’re talking.” Scout finally stopped trying to hit me. 

“Are you left or right handed?” I asked while I showed her the proper way to make a fist. 

“Right handed.” Scout shook her fist at me. “Why?”

“Your right hand is stronger. Better for power if you have it as your rear hand. Also congratulations you’re orthodox. So, basic.” I said, she rolled her eyes. “Put your left foot in front of you, back foot over there.” I used my foot to move her in the right position. “Now put your hands in front of your face.” I brought her hands up more. 

“Okay, first just copy me. Jab.” I fired off my jab. “Cross.” I shot my cross out. Even though I was punching air I still stayed perfectly upright, and didn’t lose my balance. 

“Okay, that’s easy. Jab!” Scout threw a limp arm punch. “Cross!” Scout did another arm punch. “How was that?” 

“Not bad.” I lied. 

“Not bad. I just copied you exactly!” Scout lied to herself. 

I laughed. “No you did this.” I copied her limp punches. 

“That’s exactly the same!” Scout said without any of her usual sarcasm. 

It was at this point I realized she didn’t have a fighter’s brains or eyes. “That’s my bad, it probably looks the same. Here I’ll show you the difference.“ I lifted her hand up as a target. 

“Hey! I don’t think so, I’ve seen you knock enough grown men on their asses to know I don’t want that.” Scout put her hand down. 

“Don’t worry, if I can hit you hard I can hit you soft. Any halfway decent martial artist can control their punches anyways.” I put her hand back up. 

“This is what your punch feels like.” I punched her hand with only my arm muscles. 

“Ow.” Scout said calmly. 

“This is what I pulled back one of mine feels like.” I punched her hand again, this time twisting my hips to drive my weight into my strikes. 

“Ow!” Scout shook her hand. 

“When you punch twist your hips, you can probably swing your tail for extra power.” I looked at her flicking tail. 

“Alright, give it the old twist.” Scout started to hype herself up. “Jab!” She threw a massive jab that started to fling her off balance. “Cross!” She pulled her punch back so far she almost fell over one way. She finally threw her punch. “Oh sh-” Before she could finish her punch or swear she already threw herself off balance in the other direction. I caught her before she fell. 

“Thanks.” She brushed herself off. “Okay, what the Hell did I do wrong with that one?” 

“Well, on the brightside that would have hurt if you actually hit someone with it. The problem was you let your momentum take you over and so you fell. So keep your feet on the ground. Twist your hips and tail for more power, and make sure to bring your hands back to your guard right afterwards, in case the air goes for a counter punch.” I said while throwing some more example one-twos. 

Scout looked confused at all the information for a second before she got into her guard again. I saw the gears turn in her head. 

“Jab!” Scout fired off a perfect jab. “Cross!” Again, a perfect thunderous cross that could knock out most untrained people. She went back into her guard instantly, she didn’t close her eyes when she punched or lifted her chin. She even used her tail to keep balanced. 

“Huh.” I said. 

“So what did I do wrong this time?” She asked while wiping off a loose hair from her face. 

“Nothing actually, that was a perfect one-two. Guess you’re a fast learner, good job.” I gave her a thumbs up, too shocked to say anything else. 

“Great.” Scout suddenly gasped for air. “Why am I so tired?” Scout rested on her knees. 

“Yeah, fighting is hard, especially on the lungs. Especially when you’re new. Belly breaths, your belly should move before your chest.” I showed her what I meant. Scout again, followed my instructions easily. 

“So, that’s how you do it then? Good old one-two.” She laughed, and got a new appreciation for my punches.

“Nope.” I laughed back. 

“What?” She asked, the appreciation leaving her body. 

“I don’t fight orthodox, I fight southpaw, right foot leading.” I got into my stance. 

“Oh, you’re left handed? But I thought you shot with your right.” Scout looked at my hands and tried to remember. 

“You’re right, I do shoot with my right, I’m not left-handed. I learned how to fight southpaw as a kid because I sucked and needed every advantage I could get. When I punch, I throw a crappy jab without twisting my hips. Then put all my power into my left hand for my cross, I usually get off balance when I throw it.” I explained. 

“What the Hell man?! You just told me not to do any of that stuff, you himbo!” She flapped her arms wildly. 

“Well, I mean there’s an old saying Humans have: ‘Advanced striking is just beginner mistakes done on purpose.’. You have to learn the rules first before you can break them, I just taught you how to do it normally.” I shrugged. 

“Okay well why do you punch like that in the first place?” Scout crossed her arms. 

I threw an arm punch that was weak but so fast it was almost impossible to properly defend against. Scout covered her head and flinched. I stopped my jab just short of hitting her. I covered her eyes with my hand, which meant I had enough time to throw a big telegraphed, but powerful punch to her body. Again, I stopped just short of hitting her stomach. 

“That’s why.” I said, my hand was still hovering over her. 

“Okay, point taken. I’ll learn the smart way first before I go full idiot. What’s next?” Scout slapped my arm away. 

“For learning kickboxing?” I asked.

“Yeah, what a couple more days and I’m good right? Honestly, how much other stuff do I have to learn?” She asked genuinely. 

“Let’s see,” I thought out loud. “I taught you the basic one-two. So now I just have to teach you, hooks, uppercuts, body shots, slipping punches, blocking, distance management, foot work, elbows, then we actually have to get to the foot stuff, teeps, roundhouse kicks, knees, checking kicks-”

“What?” Scout shook her head, not understanding half of those words. “How many more ways are there for you to knock someone’s head off? Fighting is supposed to be for idiots, if it’s for idiots that means it’s easy!” She pointed at me. 

“I mean, it’s just like any other skill, painting, writing, lock picking, when people make it look ‘easy’ it’s probably because they spent years doing it poorly first. Sometimes people are naturally talented, bigger, stronger, or faster but they still need to work on it. It’s just that unlike other skills when you mess up you get punched in the face.” I giggled. 

“Wait, so you aren’t just naturally good at fighting?” Scout asked, actually surprised. 

“Are all Links perfect refined geniuses?” I asked Scout.

“Of course not, you’ve met my family.” She laughed.

“It’s like that. Plus, if I really wanted to teach you how to fight I wouldn’t have started off with a one-two or really any striking.” I laughed hard. “But you can start going to my gym if you really want to keep going.” 

“What?” Scout raised an eyebrow. “But, all you do when you fight people is throw your hat at their face, then punch and kick them a bunch. What else would I need to know?” She threw an imaginary hat at me. 

“Wrestling. You need to learn wrestling first.” I caught the imaginary hat, still laughing because I forgot she was normal. 

“What, why would I need to know wrestling first? Also what the Hells even is-” 

Before I describe what happens next I want to make three things very clear. First of all, we were outside, in a park of sorts, the grass was soft-ish. Second, though I am magnificent at hiding it, mostly unconsciously, I’m not completely incompetent. I can double leg someone into the ground softly without injuring them. 

Third, and most importantly of all, don’t make this weird. Okay, I know when watching fighting, especially wrestling or worse BJJ, it looks like two people groping each other on the ground. In stories enemies to lovers have a scene where the two characters start to ‘wrestle’ and by the end of the scene ‘wrestle’. 

In real life, most of the time, grappling is sweaty, tiring and generally sucks. The last word I would use to describe the act of forcibly moving someone who does not want to be moved, who is doing the same to you is: ‘sexy’. 

I know I mentioned finally divorcing Scout, which i…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1gei48e/how_to_fight_like_a_human/