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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-05 05:01:08+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/indianSadWife, Account has been deleted since then

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for refusing to raise husband’s secret child?

Glossary: MBBS = Medical Bachelor’s Degree

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, financial exploitation, cancer, abandonment

Original Post: October 21, 2024

I f (32) met my husband in arrange marriage setup (at 21, he was 27 and in post graduate medical degree) during my mbbs days and we liked each other and got married after year of courtship. But after marriage I found out that he was so controlling etc. From clothes to my male friends. It became an issue for him. I have to fight for my dressup (he liked me as modern girl, but after marriage he wanted me to wear traditional). I had my son at 25 and with help of my parents and in laws. I was able to complete my mbbs and later my residency.

We have had our ups n down as he was controlling and I had to fight lot for myself. We had separated finances because from our joint investments, he gifted his sister lots of gold without even asking. But I stayed shut because I loved my mother and father in laws.

Now I have recently found out my husband had son with a woman 12 years back and in India, having a child before marriage is sin. It’s seen as black mark especially on women even today . But the women here wasn’t liked by my in-laws and they gave her huge amount of money and one rental property to stay out of their lives. Which she obliged. That’s why they rushed his marriage with me.

Now she is dying with cancer . She visited our home and it was huge mess. Her son fully looks like my husband. And my husband admitted as he had no other option. He hasn’t met that kid in years.

Now I am asking for a divorce. I am going to get half of our joint assets. I earn well to keep my son happy and successful ( I have my own clinic and pharmacy shop on my parents property ). So I am financially set.

Now my in laws has taken that other kid as mother is very sick and is in hospital. I am currently at my parents house.

They are asking me to raise the kid and forgive my husband. All throughout life. I have handled his anger issue. Slaps ( not regular but sometimes during argument , though I slapped back too). He didn’t cheat post marriage. But I wasn’t informed earlier about the kid. I will never stop my son’s access to his father or paternal grandparents.

But I don’t want any relation with that kid of his. I don’t care if he is innocent or not. I don’t want to be resentful step mother of some child. I also always wanted one kid. My parents haven’t pressurized me but they say give this marriage a chance and just be cordial to kid if possible. But I shut it down. They don’t know about slaps ( happened six seven times in total ).

My husband has been served divorced papers. him, my in-laws and relatives all are asking to think about young child and give that kid motherly love. Which I don’t want to. I will never stop my son from having good relation with that kid. But he won’t be welcome in my home, my life. I have been called bitch, witch etc. for not forgiving my husband and not thinking about the child. My only concern is my son and I want him to grow happy etc. I have also decided not to go for dating or other match for next three, four years. So I can give my child proper care.

AITAH for refusing to raise husband’s secret child?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Info, who is asking you to raise your husbands child? His family or yours

PS, YOU ARE NOT THE AH

OOP: Both…my close cousins are saying how can I be so cruel and that kid wasn’t result of cheating. But thing is I would’ve never married a man with child. I was never given the option

Commenter 2: NTA. You were deceived into marrying a man with a child, a man who was also a controlling AH. I don’t fault you for using the kid as an excuse/reason to escape being married to a man who hits you.

OOP: Thanks. I feel so used. Like my whole marriage foundation was built on a lie. I felt like his keep or what after the news came out. It was shattering for me

Commenter 3: Tell them you plan to raise your son to be a better man than his father, and that your ex should be focused on doing the same with his firstborn. NTA

OOP: I have been trying to raise my son respecting women. In country where sons are not expected to do basic chores. I have taught him doing little chores. Because as an adult I want him to treat his future partner as human not servant.

Commenter 4: NTA and tell your family about the hitting. Hopefully that will get them more fully on your side.

I’d also make sure people know it isn’t the child himself you have the biggest problem with. It’s that you were deceived into marrying him and have been lied to by his entire family the whole time you’ve been with him. That you will never trust any of them again and living with someone you don’t trust isn’t healthy for any of you, especially the children.

OOP: Thank you. The thing is I could’ve been told truth from day one. Mind you when I met him. He was impressive man looks wise as well as for his leadership qualities. A budding surgeon. That made me fall for him. I might have even accepted his secret child back then. . If he had told me. Because I was so impressed. But that phase is long gone.

Update: October 29, 2024

We have a settlement without big issues. I am getting two million usd in settlement…and we won’t drag this case. I will invest most in my son’s name. Because if tomorrow i remarry. I don’t want anyone to access to my son’s inheritance, in case something happens to me

He will also pay for son’s private schooling as well as college. I will be primary custodian. But he and in laws will have access to son. And we don’t live far ( 5 kms ). So I won’t stop from my son visiting them with supervision under his nanny frm my side till he growsup old enough and his new sibling. Although he keeps missing dad and why are we not together? I have told him it’s that mom and dad have different work reasons. That’s why.

I also made clear to my ex and in laws that if my son got brainwashed or something. I will drag them to court. Also to never force his new kid on me during meets etc. I won’t stop my son to meet his half brother But I won’t want that kid in my house or in my life.

This is update for now. We don’t want to drag case as it takes years. And it will be hit on his reputation

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: He lied to you by omission. Go and live your life the best you can,unfortunatelly there are other women out there who couldn’t have the chance to get divorce. So you are a “lucky” one. Stay strong and Best of wishes to you and your son

OOP: I am frankly in position to divorce especially considering in my culture. Divorce is looked down upon across classes. Poor woman have it tough.

Commenter 2: The only thing I’d say is to look into therapy for a way to explain in an age appropriate way to your son that your husband lied to you and wasn’t a good husband. Your son needs to know what not to do as he grows up, that there are consequences for lying and controlling behaviour because people will not (and should not) tolerate it.

OOP: I will tell him truth when he would be able to understand these basic things… Therapy I will definitely book soon .

Commenter 3: You don’t need to invest it in his name now… it’s going to negatively cause him taxes…

You put things in a trust.

Please get a financial planner!!

OOP: Most of that will be in real estate. And remaining will be in trust. I have already developed plans factoring all those. Thanks for suggestion though❤️

Commenter 4: No way this is real. It takes more than 8 days to get a divorce settlement.

OOP: We haven’t reached settlement yet. We have talked with lawyers etc. divorce process will be fast and we don’t want to fight. My in laws are super rich. And they want their son to remarry because many woman will happily marry for status. So they are paying big sum up

Editor’s note: Marking this as inconclusive because OOP has deleted the account and we would not be able to get any further updates

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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