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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-07 05:01:07+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/loststrawberri

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

AIO? My boyfriends friend has a problem with me asking him not to sleep in a bed with another woman.

Original Post: October 30, 2024

Hi everyone, my boyfriend has a big group of friends with lots of girls in it. A lot of times after they go out or have too much to drink, they’ll crash at someone’s house.

One night he came home and shared he slept in a bed with this girl (who the texts are from).

We did not have a fight at all - I know he’s grown up doing this.

I told him I wasn’t super comfortable with that and asked if he could not do that, to which he did not argue at all and expressed total respect for my boundary. We have not spoken about it since.

She texted me the morning after they went out, which are these pictures. Am I overreacting by telling her she’s overstepping or are her concerns valid?

Transcript of the text messages

Other Woman: Hi [OOP] So, last night when [OOP’s boyfriend] and I went out, we 3 and all went back to [Redacted] and [OOP’s boyfriend] and I were gonna take the pull out couch and he let me know you were not comfortable with him sleeping in a “bed” with me. While I totally understand, I want to let you know I have never tried to do anything with [OOP’s boyfriend] and would never. I felt bad that he had to sleep on the floor and it just didn’t seem fair to him. I promise there’s nothing nefarious about us sleeping in a bed together, we’ve been friends for 16 years!

OOP: Hey [Redacted] I know nothing has ever happened between you two, don’t worry! For me, it’s just a matter of what I feel is appropriate in my personal relationships. I trust him fully but for me I’m just not comfortable with him sharing a bed with another woman, even if he’s known her for a while. It doesn’t speak to either of you in terms of trustworthiness, it’s just my boundary:)

Other Woman: Right, but he had to sleep on the ground. That doesn’t seem fair. And he has back problems so I’m sure he wasn’t happy about it either

OOP: If it was a problem for him he could’ve called me to pick him up, or ubered home, or talked to me about it. He hasn’t mentioned it to me

Other Woman: Ok, well if I’m just being super transparent it just feels like it’s really over the top possessiveness and it’s not a good look for either of you. You can trust to sleep. in a bed with his girlfriends and seeing him sleep on the floor makes me sad for him. I really like you and the two of you together, but I know him very well and just wanted to give you an idea of how this might be affecting him/those around him

OOP: [Redacted] while I appreciate how much you care for [OOP’s boyfriend] honestly I feel like you’re overstepping. This is not your business and I find it strange you’re being a little insistent on demanding he sleep in a bed with you. He agreed to this boundary whole heartedly and that’s all you need to know about it. It’s my relationship and he knows he can come to me if he has a problem with it. I’m done talking about this with you

Other Woman: :thumbsup:

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: Idk if anyone will see this but my boyfriend has not seen this yet. I know it’s gonna be stressful for him and I don’t want to ruin his workday lol

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Ummm what the hell - you are in the right! This is weird on so many levels on her part??

OOP: Thank you. It’s hard because his friend group is so deeply intertwined, they’ve done long camping trips together, everyone sharing tents and being hippies lol. So while I recognize this is an unusual behavior in the group I feel it shouldn’t matter to them if he’s agreeing to it.

Commenter 2: NOR, you’re allowed to have boundaries and I can’t imagine arguing with another person over their boundaries in a relationship. I also wouldn’t want my bf sharing a bed with another woman, it looks so weird for her to argue with you this hard on it. But also why is your bf discussing stuff about your relationship with her? It’s none of her business.

OOP: Thank you! I think he probably just let her know why he suddenly will not share a bed with her, as it’s something he’s done with everyone in his friend group through his life haha.

Commenter 3: Not overreacting at all. Why does she feel so comfortable texting YOU about this? Do you know her? I feel like I’m missing a piece of the puzzle here - because I can’t imagine some strange girl texting me about sleeping in the same bed with MY man and getting away with it. (You’re also far nicer than I would have been.)

OOP: Yeah, we’ve hung out quite a few times. We’re “friends” by proxy

OOP on her boyfriend being friends with the opposite sex

OOP: I mean I’m not gonna tell him he can’t be friends with his lifelong friends just because they’re women. I think your opinion on opposite sex friendships is a projection of what’s happening in your head around your feelings toward women, not what’s reality for most people.

If I didn’t respect his friendships I wouldn’t let him see her. I feel like my boundary is more about sleeping in a bed with women than with her specifically

OOP clarifies up on why her boyfriend didn’t take an Uber or a ride home himself after the concert and the bar

OOP: This has been asked a lot so I will clear it up here: they all went back to one of the guy friends’ house after they went to a concert and a bar or two after. I’m ok with that, as long as he’s safe. I had an early morning this morning so his intention was to not wake me up.

OOP on her age and her boyfriend’s age. How long they have been together

OOP: He’s 31 I’m 27, we’ve been together for 1.5 years. I wouldn’t ask him to stop being friends with his girl friends, they’re very important to him and honestly I love that he has so many women who care about him. I persoanlly think its a red flag when men don’t have women to vouch for their character. I like that they all feel safe with him.

Update: October 31, 2024 (next day)

Hi everyone, I have updates for you. Unfortunately no text messages to show because he called her so this will just be text.

So I showed him the texts and he literally could not believe it at first. I have never seen him get mad but his face got red and he was really quiet for a moment. He said he was mortified by her behavior toward me. He asked a million times if I was okay lol. He said she argued with him about it at the time because it’s never been an issue and he just brushed her off. I asked what exactly he said to her and his words are: “I said it makes you uncomfortable and I want to respect that.” I’m cool with that response to her, personally.

He called her immediately and told her she crossed a line and needed to apologize to me, that her behavior makes it seem like she’s trying to sabotage his relationship, and then he was honest with her that most of the friends’ girlfriends don’t like her and she needs to reevaluate how she’s making people feel.

I was surprised by this because he’s typically not confrontational like that. I didn’t hear her responses, she was not on speaker. They spoke about it for like 5 minutes. It wasn’t the blow up some of you wanted, he was clearly not happy though.

My favorite thing he said was “you’re doing a great job of pushing people away, no one wants the drama.” He told her what’s most important is that she apologizes to me and then he hung up. That was it.

I have not received a text from her yet. Im not sure yet what he’s going to do regarding their friendship but it’s surely very damaged now.

There’s no doubt she will be out and about with the whole group at various points. I’m really not threatened by her - I can deal with a crazy woman and trust him enough to deal with her as well. She doesn’t hold any sway over him. So, that’s all I have for you guys, sorry.

If you are interested, I’m answering a few questions that were asked a lot in the original post. A couple of things to clear up now that I’ve spoken to him about it -

1. He took the cushions from the couch (which is where the pull out bed is) and made himself a bed on the ground. Dude had a comforter and pillows and everything. This is hilarious to me because why was she so concerned about his back then?? I bet that shit was more comfortable than the pull out couch!!! It’s also worth noting he’s the kind of guy that could fall asleep doing a handstand, he can literally sleep anywhere any time.
2. He doesn’t have “back problems”, he twinged something in his back at the gym last week and it’ll clear up soon. Idk what she’s on about with that which I should have specified in my original post.
3. I don’t want to get defensive but I want to clarify I didn’t demand he doesn’t sleep in a bed with women. I asked him about it. He agreed because it’s not a necessary activity in his life lol, it’s an easy one for him to cut out. His words are that he literally has no problem not sleeping in a bed with the girls. …

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