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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-09 05:00:08+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Relevant_Ability3209
Originally posted to r/offmychest
The Barbie movie movie made me realize my mother never truly loved me and never will
Trigger Warnings: past trauma, emotional abuse and manipulation, death of a loved one, neglect, possible child abuse
Original Post: September 24, 2023
On mobile so excuse typos or formatting issues. Spoilers and NSFW just in case. And I am in my 30’s(F) and moved back home last year due to a million reasons. During this time back I realized how my relationship is with my mother is and always has been. It’s not great. We fight a lot.
I know and have known I’m not the child she thought I’d be. I have mental disorders, I’m fat, and others.
Last December during an argument she told me that my mental illness that I truly work hard to control (10+ years in consistent and intense therapy) triggers her childhood trauma because her mom has the same disorders.
I’ve always been compared to her but this just changed something in me and it’s been harder since. I doubt she even remembers saying it.
Back to the title. I actually watched the Barbie movie with her yesterday and watching the relationship between America Ferrera’s character and the daughter was something I wished I had. I wish I had a mom that cared, that loved me and that I was just a kid that didn’t realize how much she does. I think apart of me hoped my mom would see that and realize maybe just love me because I had heard that was a reaction daughters had. (When I cried realizing this, she actually laughed at my emotions but did not know that’s why I was crying)
My mother only shows love when I can do something for her, and really that’s not often. I’m always reminded of what she gave up for me, and how me in the past bringing up things that hurt me HURTS HER because I’m never positive. It’s always been what I don’t do.
I’ve spent years trying rationalize why I never feel enough, her mother was awful to her(still is) and I always told myself that’s why (I’m her only daughter).
Just breaks me really. I realize the relationship was only made worse me moving home because I stopped begging my mom to love me. I stopped doing everything I can for her affection.
I’ve been making plans and efforts in silence to move and go low contact, no contact but I have things I have to do before I can.
But after watching the movie it’s just confirmed why I need to do that.
I cannot keep eating glass for her to feel good about herself as a mother…
Anyway. TLDR: I wish my mom loved me but the Barbie movie made me realize she’ll never be able to.
OOP on her mother’s love language and affection toward her
OOP: I hope no one downvotes you. But, yes there are things good she’s done. Unfortunately, basically none of them came with no strings. There’s always a catch. With every single person beyond me. It’s also gotten worse as I’ve aged because of my ability and courage to push back. Things that she felt before she could just dismiss and tell me I’m wrong was not something that I’d believe. She used to be able to yell at me to get me to react, and then it’ll flip to I’m unreasonable. I don’t yell anymore. And it messes with her.
I will always remember the nice things she’s done when I choose to think of her, but I won’t forget what price was paid for those nice things, and what it cost me.
OOP on her grandma’s affection on the mom/daughter
OOP: Omg yes. My grandmother is worse than my mom and I get that. I’ve also watched my mom do the same thing I do (kind of) growing up and I think that is what hurts me the most. Is she knows how this shit is. And she repeats patterns. I’ve begged her along with my entire family to seek therapy. Because I truly believe if she did, while painful to deal with not only the insane childhood she had but the realization she did it to her children I think it would heal our entire family. She refuses. I can’t tell you how many times she’s gone to one maybe two sessions with people before an excuse is made. Last time was “I know more than her, she can’t help me” 🙃
OOP on the way her mother is like when behaving toward her and her siblings
OOP: 1000% in my post I said I know why she is the way she is. But i and most of my siblings have begged her to seek therapy to deal with her childhood. And in turn with how she raised us. Unfortunately that’s just too hard for her. And my grandmother is not capable of love what so ever to the point it’s diagnosed (attachment disorder) and I believe my moms inability to love as someone should is a result of her raising.
There comes a point though, that if you refuse to seek the help to be better then people will leave. I will always love my mother but it’s not fair for me to get hurt over and over because she can’t handle her feelings. It’s only gotten worse as I’ve become an adult. Because I have done therapy. And she sees how much I’ve grown.
I also believe, she knows it’s coming. She knows once I leave, I won’t be back. We got into it about a month ago and I’ve just kept my distance. She asked what I wanted in a fit of rage over the topic of the argument and I just said “I want my mom to care. I don’t need you to fix anything but there are fucking reasons you know nothing about my life. I’m either completely ignored while you all state “she’s got it. She’s been in therapy she has tools” to “are you sure you actually feel this way because your disorder xyz” and I can’t do it anymore.”
I think in that moment she realized, that our relationship is unrepairable.
She’s been nice to me since. But she’s also kept her distance.
What I wish though, is that she seeks therapy. She does the work, not for me. But for herself because she’s still only human and deserves to be healthy and have healthy relationships. But even if she does this. Our relationship will never be fixed.
Update: November 2, 2024 (13.5 months later)
Around a year ago I made a post about how I watched the Barbie movie with my mom and realized the lack of love she had for me. I saw it make its way to TikTok and decided to update. First. I wanna thank everyone who commented. I really only got a few negative comments which to me was surprising but even those. I appreciated.
now to the update. it’s actually a happy update
In October of last year. My grandmother who I mentioned, passed away. And I joke with friends how her passing restored peace to the land lol. She was a pretty awful person so it’s okay if you laugh at that. During the aftermath of that. My mom and I became a team to take care of my grandpa. And it started to heal us.
And all that actually set the stage for our relationship to better. I ended up in treatment for ED in December of last year. My ed was rough. But because I’m fat I was worried she wouldn’t believe the struggles. my mother was the one person I was afraid wouldn’t support me. But she actually was the biggest supporter I had. I was gone for three months in a city about an hour and a half away. Staying in a condo near the place I did treatment. She called me every other day, just to check in. She helped financially since I was out of work during that time. She never once made me feel bad or that I was faking (which she had done in my teens/early twenties). When I came home she continued that. She went to therapy for the first time on her own. We finally talked about everything. I brought up the movie and my reaction. She understood. And apologized about her treatment of me. And beyond the words. She continues to make efforts. She still asks me how my food relationship is. She makes sure I’m taking care of myself. And she tells me she loves me and is proud of me a lot. Things have also changed in terms of her other kids, my siblings and my dad and step mom. And it’s something we all appreciate. She’s trying.
While it’s not perfect. I still will forever be closer to my step mom (her wife) but I feel like I can talk to my mom about things I never could before.
So. Honestly My grandmother dying really did restore peace to our family.
I doubt anyone will see this update. But who know
Relevant Comment
Commenter 1: It’s really nice to hear when people acknowledge their problems and then work on them. It brings hope to the world.
Also a reminder that even the most unexpected of people can change in unexpected ways.
OOP: Exactly! It truly wasn’t something I thought would happen. But I’m glad it did. I have a huge blended family and had I cut her off completely had she not done change. I would have lost pretty much everyone.