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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-10 05:00:08+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/StrangeTemperature00
Originally posted to r/AITAH
My Sister-in-Law licked my face and now my brother is not talking to me.
Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: assault, possible sexual assault
Original Post: October 26, 2024
Alright. I’m sorry for the title, but that’s as concise as I could be about it.
I am 22M and my brother is 28M. He’s been engaged to his fiancee for a few months now. She is 24.
My brother’s fiancee is your typical spoiled party girl, and tbh so is my brother.
In the last year or so, my brother and I have had a strained relationship. This is mostly due to differences of opinion when helping take care of our mom, who is struggling with some PTSD/anxiety. She got held hostage by a man at her job, is still recovering and not back to work yet.
For some context: My brother is a very impatient and opinionated person who struggles to see things outside his own perspective. He doesn’t have a good grasp on mental health. He is easily persuaded by what he reads online, gets caught up in conspiracy theories… and I noticed Covid/the pandemic kind of exacerbated all of this. I work as a paramedic and he’s been arguing with me about thinking I know better than him ever since.
I am adopted and my bio mom was of a different ethnicity, so we don’t look like brothers. When he can’t think of a way to win an argument he brings up the fact that I’m not her ‘real’ son or his ‘real’ brother. It wasn’t always like this between us, which is sad. He’s just not the same person and I’m not sure if it’s work-stress / life-stress or what. I get that this post is going to be skewed by my perspective but I’ll try to be objective when it comes to the conflict.
My birthday was last weekend (when this happened). My brother’s fiancée apparently had the idea to throw me a surprise party. Most of the people there were friends of my brother and the fiancee. Everyone was drunk. They made a bit of a show of bringing me out a cake and having me blowing out the candles. Before I did that, my brother’s fiancee swiped frosting on her finger and put it on my cheek. I thought it was just her being nice and not trying to smash a piece of cake in my face. I blew out the candles and after I did that, his fiancee grabbed my face and licked it. Like… from my jaw all the way up the side of my face. I have no idea why she did this. We don’t even have the kind of relationship where it would be funny.
My brother’s face changed, his demeanor changed, he became very withdrawn and irritable.
They were seen ‘quietly’ fighting and he ended up just leaving the party.
I brought it up the next day to make sure he was okay and apparently the two of them made up - it’s me he has an issue with. I don’t know what she told him, but it seems as if I’m the one being made out to be flirting with her, wanting her, etc.
Not even remotely true.
I told him to leave me out of his relationship problems. It’s his partner who disrespected him and embarrassed him. He’s angry at the wrong person. I refuse to apologize. Apparently I am going to be out of the wedding unless I do. He’s upset because I won’t admit to my mistake. Well I don’t feel like I made one. Should I just do it for the sake of settling it? Normally I’m willing to be the bigger person but this is a false accusation I don’t want attached to myself. AITAH?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
Has SIL been flirting or trying to make a move on OOP in the past?
OOP: I never thought about it actually and nothing really sticks out. She’s obsessed with Kpop and I am half Korean so she’s made comments to me but I didn’t interpret them as flirting, I thought she was just trying to be nice and didn’t know how else to connect when I shared about the whole being adopted thing. When she’s sober she is more awkward/shy. My brother lives with my mom so usually when I visit and we’re talking… my mom and brother are around too and it’s more of a family vibe?
Commenter 1: Your brother and his fiance are behaving like children. If you apologize for this incident then it’s likely that he will continue to treat you with disrespect. If he takes you out of the wedding he will have to explain the reason to others, which should prove embarrassing to him and his fiance. Perhaps you should call him on his bluff. Regardless NTA.
OOP: You know what, I’m not opposed to threatening him with that. Thank you.
OOP should not attend his brother’s wedding for peace of mind because of the brother and his fiancée’s behaviors
OOP: This one hurts. I think I needed to hear it though. You’re not wrong. I guess I’m just always trying to understand him and I need to stop doing that. Especially when he’s not giving me that same kind of understanding. I thought we could get back to the relationship we had before but it’s not looking like it’s getting any better.
Was SIL likely to be drunk when the situation took place?
OOP: She was drunk. My brother was drunk. I was drunk. Everyone was drunk. And there’s video of it which shows it was all her. I agree there isn’t anything to dissect. I don’t understand why he’s so mad at me.
Update: November 3, 2024 (eight days later)
Update is regarding this post.
After trying to reach out to my brother he finally came around and stopped ignoring me. He didn’t want to talk about what happened but was willing to ‘put it behind us’. Tbh I think talking about it would have been healthier but I decided to let it go because he was so adamant.
Then just the other day he came to me on his own and admit that he feels unsure about his relationship and is struggling to trust his fiancee ever since the incident on my birthday. I told him there’s no rush to get married and he should take time to figure out what he’s feeling. I didn’t try to give any particular opinion because I feel like this is something he needs to figure out for himself - also, I genuinely don’t know what’s going on between them. He still took what I said the wrong way somehow, and we ended up having an argument.
He thinks I’m not happy for him and don’t want to see him successful / starting a family.
I tried to walk away at this point in the conversation because no matter what I said it was just going to get misconstrued but he didn’t want to stop fighting.
Somewhere in that, I finally learned why he’s so mad at me these days. It turns out he’s pissed that our mom paid for my tuition (I’ve been doing OT to pay her back. Clarification: if it matters she doesn’t actually want me to pay her back, it was a gift but I’d like to pay her back slowly). My brother feels this money should have been given to him for his wedding, which I am no longer invited to.
I don’t really know how to fix things but that’s where we’re at.
Relevant Comments
Did OOP’s mother pay for his brother’s tuition?
OOP: She did but he dropped out so one point in his argument is that she gave him less.
Commenter 1: NTA. She assaulted you. Your brother should be mad at her, not you. Probably best just to go NC, at least for a while.
Commenter 2: NTA. Your brother is a jealous ah and his girlfriend is a creep. I doubt their relationship will last until the wedding but if it does I bet the wedding will be a drunken mess. You sound like a good person, take care of yourself and your mum and leave your brother to deal with his problems. Hopefully one day he will grow up and want a better relationship with both of you.
Commenter 3: NTA and it’s not you that has to fix things. It’s him. Short of giving into his tantrum and giving him money - don’t do that, by the way - you can’t fix this. And if you start bending over backwards to make the manbaby happy now, he’ll know you will eventually cave and he will never change
The money was your mom’s to give/loan however way she wanted. If he has an issue with that, he needs to work it out with your mom because it was ultimately her decision.
Him shitting all over you is wrong.