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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-11-14 05:11:00+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is athenafreed. She posted in r/AskWomenOver30
Do NOT comment Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.
Trigger Warning: emotional manipulation
Mood Spoiler: happy ending!
Original Post: October 29, 2024
We’re currently doing distance and just got done having a lovely, fall getaway in a little mountain town. We had an amazing time and all in all, I’d say it was one of the better weekends we’ve had as of late. However, on our last night in town, we were bar hopping, and just chatting when I said I’d never been to a pumpkin patch before. He seemed to have an ah-ha moment and responded along the lines of “oh that makes sense, I was wondering why you hadn’t taken me to a pumpkin patch yet” and just chuckled a bit, but it didn’t come off very light hearted like the conversation had been prior.
Now, normally something like this wouldn’t get a second though from me. But in the 2.5 years we’ve been together a constant point of contention was the lack of “effort” or “planning” I put into the relationships and dating. Mind you, this entire weekend trip was planned and paid for by me, as was the last weekend visit we did before this one as well. His argument that I don’t plan things has never sat well with me since it’s a blanket statement that just isn’t true - I’ve planned many a date, reservations for job opportunities, at home quality time, etc. - but conveniently during a lot of those plans, they don’t pan out because he starts an argument with me over something (what I’m wearing, why I didn’t tell him to dress up more, ogling other men while on said dates???). Or if I make plans with other friends/family, he gets passive aggressive and scolds me for never putting the same amount of effort into him as I do them.
Part of why I can’t get over this comment is because the last visit we had where I went to his home town, he commented on the pumpkin patch his city puts on every year. He mentioned how he’s gone a handful of times and that it was a go-to date for him back when he was single… am I wrong for feeling weird about all of this? He’s always portrayed himself as a traditional/provider type of man but the majority of the relationship I’ve been the bread winner, I’ve helped him an ungodly amount financially, and I’ve sacrificed a lot of time and relationships with family/friends, and even prioritized him/the relationship over my own work and graduate school responsibilities. In hindsight I 100% feel like he love bombed me hard and who he is now is nothing like how he portrayed himself to be, or continues to think/see himself as. Typing this all out, I feel pretty icky, but I’m just wondering if I’m overthinking things at this point.
Some of OOP’s Comments:
Commenter: Your post history says you just left a bad relationship of 2.5 years…why let the rubbish back in?
OOP: I have indeed let the rubbish back in and he seems to have proven me right AGAIn about all the reasons things weren’t working before. I think everything is finally sinking in and this final comment was my last straw - despite needing to end things for good a long time ago. I can’t even explain it, it’s just one of those “out of everything you’ve said/done to me, this is the one small thing that sends me over.”
Commenter: […] Question, is your BF close with his mom and has she always made him think he’s a special prince?
OOP: Bit of a toss up with his backstory. His bio parents are nastily divorced, with his mom being a serial dater who forced him and his brother to “take he find dates” and show them what a man’s suppose to be. His step mom who’s been around his whole life is an angle but she’s very trad wife and he grew up getting doted on by her. Dad’s a straight up crotchety boomer asshole.
He’s been married before when he was in the military, which apparently she easily the reasons for the divorce…
Commenter: You are not overthinking at all. […] This person has been manipulating you. He has also been using controlling behaviours to take advantage of you. He used your vulnerability with him for his own gain, rather than protecting you and being careful with that vulnerability.
OOP: My inner voice has been screaming at me for a while to be honest… I think the absurdity of this comment is what made everything click unfortunately. I’ve felt things were toxic and that he was stealing my light for a long time but the cycle has been so hard to break. Friends and family have told me, other old posted on Reddit now deleted said the same things.
Oof it’s all sinking in and I feel SO stupid yet so excited to be at peace leaving this man. Everything about who I was before him has been taken, eaten down, and morphed into me being the problem, always. I’m so exhausted.
Commenter: “conveniently during a lot of those plans, they don’t pan out because he starts an argument with me over something (what I’m wearing, why I didn’t tell him to dress up more, ogling other men while on said dates???)”
Red flag after red flag after red flag throughout this post, but this part really caught my eye. It will get worse. And he will continue to pick fights during moments you feel good or proud in order to bring you down.
OOP: He’s always done this in some way now that I look back on it. Social media was been a huge issue to the point where I don’t even use it anymore. If it wasn’t about what I posted on my own account, it was “why do so many guys follow you,” or “why are you reposting this/that.”
I use to love my social media, posting my life, my gym progress, interacting with people (mainly friends/family). I’ve deleted old photos, scrubbed my account of anyone I don’t explicitly know, and don’t feel comfortable posting unless I’m advertising the relationship - because apparently I never posted him enough amongst my own selfies (which he saw as attention seeking).
Commenter: Why are you with him? Genuine question - do you have a specific reason to keep him in your life? What is he contributing?
OOP: At this point nothing… I’m realizing now I’ve bought into the sunk cost fallacy repeatedly with him. I’ve also been super attached to needing to prove myself or show I’m not the villain in this dynamic. He’s made me feel as thought I’m the issue, no matter what, and it’s made me chase him.
This entire thread has been a huge wake up call to put things lightly. I’m sort of in shock.
Commenter: You’re getting something out of it and I think until you figure out what it is you’ll keep going back. Look at it like an addiction. There’s a reason you keep running into the same wall over and over again!
OOP: I truly think he’s just convinced me I can’t do any better. He’s said it in various ways to my face and through his actions. Which thinking on it thoroughly now, isn’t true at all. He does none of the things I want (or use to want) in a partner and I let the shiny objects of his occasional nice gesture and basic door holding/taking out the trash gentlemanly behavior blind me. I’ve truly been afraid there aren’t good or better men out there. But I’m realizing that’s all his brainwashing making me think so.
Commenter: I don’t think you’re overthinking at all. When you say you’ve helped him financially – girl are you saying you’ve helped with his bills or given him money? Alongside this trip that you planned and paid for? And last weekend another trip?
He sounds ungrateful. He sounds like he views you as the person who’s supposed to be in charge of entertaining him. […]
OOP: I’ve helped him by letting him move in with me, covering expenses months he couldn’t, giving him money to help him sell his house (which he was upside down on), and funded an entire out of state move for a job opportunity that ended up not working out, all to just move back home again when I was working 2 jobs, doing school, and told him I felt like I needed space/time to reset.
I’ve quite literally given this man the last of what I have just for him to turn around and be so terribly mean to me. Safe to say the fog has lifted after the comments and conversations I’ve had with all you ladies.
Commenter: Why are you doing so much for him ? wtf
OOP: At the time, he always framed it as “this is what good partners do” or “if you really loved me and supported me (because no one else does) then I shouldn’t even have to ask for help” type shit. It’s honestly INSANE typing out and thinking back on. The fact that he has such strained relationships with all his family and few friends should have been my first warning. He’s always the victim in story, without fault.
Because he was married before, dated single mothers, and just had a more extensive relationship history than me (I’ve had only one other serious one) he always seemed me the immature one. I always had something to learn from him and all his experience. “If you’d just listened to me” or “why can’t you just follow me or listen to what I say.”
OOP comments 2 hours later:
Wow ladies… I was not…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1gqxi9u/my_bf_made_a_one_off_comment_and_i_cant_stop/
OOP comments 2 hours later:
Wow ladies… I was not expecting this much of a response in the slightest. I’m shook. The gasps I’ve been gusping have me a bit shaken.
Thank you so much for all the feedback - gentle, harsh, or somewhere in between. Reading my post back and realizing I let this man back into my life after attempting to leave a few months ago has me feeling a bit sick. In a way I’ve know the cycle with hasn’t been good, but I’ve been afraid to break it and naively hopefully things would change. The manipulation runs deeper than I even realized before so many of you commented after getting such little detail/backstory.
I’m processing, reflecting, and trying to keep from falling apart completely. I know what the woman was before him would do and that’s what I’m leaning on right now.
Update Post: November 7, 2024 (9 days later)
Hi all! I made a post a few weeks ago about a shitty comment my bf (now ex) made while we were on a weekend getaway together. You can read all of it here (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/gsqGTbDbUA) if you’d like a refresher or a first look.
Long story short we broke up. Over a week of bickering and arguing followed after that same weekend over something different. I was the one to upset him but he couldn’t stop speaking horribly to me, insulting me, or just being mean to me over it. I apologized endlessly for upsetting him but when I asked that he stop being so mean with how he spoke to me he said I deserved it.
So among all the other various red flags that have been there the entire relationship, the comment about the pumpkin patch and the aforementioned behavior with another argument was it for me. He was taking out his financial situation/lack of employment on me, saying I didn’t deserve to complain about anything (one of my two jobs gave me a 2 week notice during all this and I was blindsided by it), that I should be grateful for having a masters degree (which I have loans for just like my first degree), and that losing one of my jobs was just karma for me being ungrateful since I don’t know what rock bottom looks like (this coming from his resentment that I’ve always had my family to lean on when needed). He called me a goody two shoes, gated community kid that doesn’t know shit about the real world, all while I’ve been the breadwinner and financial support for us both most of the relationship. He disrespected the hard work my parents did (20+ years of military service each and they both still work) to give me and my siblings the life we have and I just couldn’t deal after all that was said.
I’ll be getting the last of my belongings next week since we were already distance and I’ll be rid of this narcissistic asshole forever after that! I have my masters graduation in December, I’m treating myself to an all ladies retreat in Egypt as a celebration (which my ex had an issue with because I wasn’t putting that money towards “us” - shocker), and I’m getting so much quality time back with my family after I let him isolate me. I’m rekindling the relationship with my two childhood friends that I lost over this man, I’m on social media again (I had to delete it because he again had an issue with it) and I’m just feeling like myself again.
Some of OOP’s Comments:
Commenter: Doesn’t sound like he ever really liked you, but he liked having you bankroll his lifestyle for him. 🤷♀️
OOP: He always tried to play things off as a “you know I say things when I’m mad or angry” kinda deal but I just don’t buy it. Anytime we have argued (which was endlessly) he resorted to name calling, insulting personality traits of mine, lifestyle choices, my family, my friends. Any and everything about me was fair game and he’d say awful things. I never use to stoop to his level at first but after 2 years of it I started firing back. But of course the “mean” things I say are what gets held over my head now. The guy had crazy insecurities and nothing was ever good enough for him so he projected it onto me. So glad to be rid of him.
Commenter: Good, see how long he lasts on his own. Every accusation was a confession. Can you send a friend/family to go collect your stuff (or go with you) as leaving an abusive ex is an especially dangerous time.
OOP: I will have my family go with me thankfully. They were more than happy to offer me the help and I’m just so grateful for them. He always tried to make me out as immature for having close bonds and support from them. He really isolated me for a long time and then still being here for me means everything. I’m never letting a man make me feel like he did ever again.
Commenter: I’m so sorry for what you went through, I’m glad you left, but please could you offer me some advice on how you stick to your decision? I have reasons for leaving my ex but I keep missing him and worrying I made a mistake :/ or I worry I overreacted, then I worry if i was the whole problem 🤦🏻♀️ I could have proof in front of me and I’d still feel this way.
OOP: The best thing I do is remind myself why I made the decision. No matter how much you may think you over reacted or what the reason actually was, you had a feeling. Trust that don’t trust your emotions because this will yo-yo back and forth all the time. You had a reason and a feeling that led you to this decision and that’s all that matters. It hurts because it was real. It’s hard because you did love things about him. But you have a new life to build for yourself without him.
OOP leaves a comment on her original post:
🎉 UPDATE: I made a new post in case there were lots of comments again, but here is the update for those wondering (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/lbDwxqI3Y3).
I just want to say thank you again to all the advice, brutal or not, that was given here. As well as the kind DMs. I’ve never felt so seen and understood before. It feels like the fog I was in that entire relationship lifted as soon as I heard from you all that I wasn’t crazy. I’m convinced now that this man is at best someone with severe narcissist tendencies and at worst, undiagnosed. I know that gets thrown around a lot but the projecting, the mirroring, and the fact that his mom has a history of mental health struggles (which I never got explicit details of), I feel like something’s going on for sure.
He took advantage of my kind heart and gentle spirit. And I let him for a long time, hoping he’d change. But I’m free form his torment and constant mental/emotional abuse and I feel so at peace.
What a hole.
