This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/drams_of_hyacinth on 2024-11-14 00:22:54+00:00.

So, for a bit of context, I’m a culinary student currently in the baking and pastry unit of my class. We made crème brulee and pots de crème today, both are custards. For those who don’t know, a custard is a type of dessert, most often made of eggs, cream, sometimes milk, and sugar. There are a wide array of flavors, consistencies, and uses for custards in the dessert world. Crème brulee has torched sugar on top, and pots de crème is almost a cross between a mousse and a pudding in texture. They’re both delicious.

Here’s where I messed up. There was a lot of leftover custard per student, and I decided to drink mine as a treat during class. It was very nice, like a thick eggnog without the alcohol, and satisfied my sweet tooth for the day. In total I had about two-ish cups of the stuff.

Now, I’m a tall girl (around 6’1), and I have a quick metabolism and relatively strong liver, so one would assume that a few cups of custard would be fine. Maybe churn my stomach a bit, but nothing nightmarish. And so I thought as much, until right now as I’m writing this.

It is now 5 hours later. Currently, I am sat firmly on the can, shitting my guts out, due to the two cups of custard skulking throughout my bowels and reaching the end of the tunnel. Every movement feels as if a freight train has decided to wring out my intestinal tract and barrel down its length with less than no remorse. I am fully convinced my life is now in the custard’s hands, for whenever it feels as if the torrent has ceased, another wave of infernal gastric noises permeates the toilet bowl, ringing in my ears like artillery shells landing. There is not a world in which my colon will see the end of this battle unscathed.

TL;DR: We had leftover custard in culinary school today, and I drank two cups of it. This resulted in my intestines trying to escape my body via the escape hatch more commonly referred to in the medical world as an “anus.”