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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-11-15 05:29:44+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is NaturalGrocery3159. She posted in r/AITAH.
Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old- it has not been posted here before.
Trigger Warning: scary ‘prank’
Mood Spoiler: tentatively ok ending but might be [probably] more drama to come
Original Post: October 21, 2024
I am 25F, my husband is 30M.
My brother 32M and his fiancée 31F recently came to visit us in our city.
My partner and I are new homeowners and they were staying with us for the first time.
My brother’s fiancée loves Halloween. She is also a ‘Disney adult’ and has a childlike side to her which comes out sometimes. She’s just super involved (absorbed?) when it comes to her interests… anyway I’m just sharing this for context because my perspective is that she often gets carried away and I genuinely feel what I am going to describe was the result of one of those moments where she just took it too far and suffered some negative consequences. She is however… taking it as a very personal attack. So we disagree and the disagreement resulted in my husband cutting their visit short (aka they were asked to leave).
31F has made comments more than few times now since meeting him, that my husband gives off a “dark” vibe. She is always comparing him to characters from various books she reads. It’s not necessarily criticism, she always explains that they are compliments… well i’m not sure anymore. Her reasons for these comparisons are based on his looks, the general vibe he gives off and his tattoo (he only has one, but it’s on his hand). During this recent visit, she mentioned she would love to see someone like him get scared because she can’t imagine him getting startled, or letting out a scream.
Scaring him became her goal during her stay with us. None of us knew about it, not even my brother.
The incident causing all the trouble is that she tried to jump scare my husband in the garage. It was dark and she ambushed him in the garage while wearing a full outfit and mask when he was returning from a run. Well he didn’t let out the scream she wanted … He instinctively reacted by shoving her against the wall. She hit her head and was quite shaken up. Luckily he realized very quickly by the sound she made that it likely wasn’t an intruder. He switched the lights on and pulled her mask off. He told me he was very confused in the moment… why would she attack him?
My husband helped her inside, apologized, made her tea and then called me (I was out with my brother).
When we got home… I asked 31F if she was OK and I said her prank was stupid to do because she could have gotten seriously hurt! I don’t know if it was what I said that bothered her or if she was just waiting for her partner to come home but she launched into crying about how my husband used an excessive amount of force knowing it was most likely her just doing a harmless prank.
In a nutshell… My husband asked her straight forwardly: are you implying I intentionally assaulted you? She hesitated but chose to say ‘yes’ and my husband responded to that with “get out of my house”.
I tried to smooth it but my husband was adamant if that’s what she genuinely believes, she’s not welcome to stay.
31F chose to stick to her accusation.
I decided to side with my husband.
My brother is angry with me, he thinks I should have tried to do damage control and let them stay by convincing my husband to lean more into apologizing and placating his fiancée who was just recovering from the situation. He thinks this whole thing would’ve blown over if I’d helped my husband fold… I find this unfair. My brother was counting on me to handle all this yet he didn’t speak up during the conversation or try to talk sense into his fiancée ??? My husband remained calm the entire time, but he obviously felt insulted by her remarks and I think that’s valid. Why should I have taken my brother’s fiancée’s side over my own husband… especially when I feel like she was wrong for doing all that, then turning around and accusing my husband of wanting to hurt her? My brother says I was short sighted and should think of their upcoming wedding but I think he is the one who needs to get his fiancée to apologize to my husband.
Editing to add the text below, in an attempt to answer some things that are getting lost in comments.
I would like to clarify: when I meant I tried to smooth the situation, I was not taking 31F’s side or doubting my husband in any way - I simply tried to get everyone to consider tabling this until emotions had cooled down… and by those emotions, I mean the hysterics of my brother’s fiancée. My husband was calm throughout, although there was an obvious finality about his decision. He made his statement and disengaged. As mentioned, my brother looked to me hoping I’d persuade my husband, but I didn’t so they had to leave.
The costume.
I mentioned in a comment that I didn’t get an opportunity to ask that night if she bought an outfit specifically for this prank or if it was my brother’s Halloween costume (they go to adult Halloween parties) and were attending one this weekend 2 hours from where we live. It was part of my brother’s costume; a mask (like a golden masquerade one but more coverage. It reminded me of the Gold/Jewelled animal masks from Squid Game, or something you’d wear to a Rothschild party in the 70s) and she had on a long robe/cloak with a hood.
People asked me to update, I will do that. Please look at my comments too in case I already answered a question you might have, but I think these 2 were the ones I saw pop up the most. I’m sorry I can’t keep up with all the comments… I really tried.
I will be showing this thread to my brother.
Some of OOP’s Comments:
Commenter: INFO: What did your brother say when you explained how he should have leaned into having his future-wife apologize because the whole thing would’ve blown over if he’d help her fold?
OOP: He kept sticking to her “being in shock” and having the right to be upset because she got hurt/slammed against the wall. So instead of having a meaningful response he kept downplaying her behavior and making excuses for her.
He is saying he didn’t want to “invalidate” her in that moment and that’s why he stayed silent — and he feels that as a woman I should have spoken up to convince my husband to take full blame / try to make it up to her.
I guess I’m learning a lot about my brother’s relationship dynamic
Commenter: She seems inappropriately fixated on OP’s husband. Why was she even pranking him to begin with? Do they normally have a jokey banter? This is just so bizarre and I don’t understand her thought process.
OOP: I don’t understand either. My husband has no banter with her. They don’t have much of a rapport. All her impressions about him are just superficial ones she’s made. She doesn’t even know him. But she’s the type of person who believes she is really good at reading people and convinces herself she’s figured them out and what kind of person they are. She has tried guessing things about him in the past and she gets them wrong because she is basing him off her assumptions. I am sure she does this with other people she meets too.
Could it be racially motivated?
I don’t think her behavior is racial.
From my knowledge … She doesn’t see him as a Disney villain but rather, like a dark type of character from books and tv shows and stuff. I shared her being a fan of Disney because I was trying to express that she gets really carried away by her interests and I think she loses sight of important things because she’s too focused on whatever template she’s referencing.
He is just a calm and stoic person who is not very talkative. He is not shy, so I think he comes across as difficult to read and maybe a little intimidating because of that. He is just someone who observes more … isn’t overly chatty and she doesn’t even know him. She just fills the gaps in her knowledge about him with assumptions of who she thinks he is because she thinks she’s good at reading people and figuring them out (she’s not and has assumed wrong things about me too but this is something she boasts as a skill of hers).
… I said it in another comment too… She makes confident guesses about my husband, but often gets it wrong.
“Dark”:
Oh wow. I’m learning via comments what “dark” actually means … and I don’t get it, because my husband is not a mean person at all. I wouldn’t even say he is brooding. He is just straight forward, calm and controlled and not a yapper like myself and the rest of my family (and her). Unapproachable I can understand a little because of his stature / being more of the silent type tends to make someone feel that way from a distance. But he has the warmest smile to bridge that. Sorry to hijack your comment, I know what you were saying … I honestly want to read some of thes…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1grpb2c/thinking_about_not_attending_my_brothers_wedding/
I’ll keep saying it, don’t prank people!
Dark":
Oh wow. I’m learning via comments what “dark” actually means … and I don’t get it, because my husband is not a mean person at all. I wouldn’t even say he is brooding. He is just straight forward, calm and controlled and not a yapper like myself and the rest of my family (and her). Unapproachable I can understand a little because of his stature / being more of the silent type tends to make someone feel that way from a distance. But he has the warmest smile to bridge that. Sorry to hijack your comment, I know what you were saying … I honestly want to read some of these books now, just to try and see what she sees of my husband in all this. Because I don’t see that.
Update Post: November 8, 2024 (18 days later)
I got a lot of messages requesting an update. I have never made one before so I hope I am going about this correctly.
[editor’s note- removed the recap]
I tried to talk to my brother multiple times after the incident, but each attempt ended in silence because I refused to give in to his demands. He wanted my husband and me to apologize to his fiancée, starting with me downplaying the whole situation so she wouldn’t feel ‘bad’ about her prank.
I hesitated to send him the Reddit post I’d made. Initially — I thought it might work against us to make things worse. But his total inability to reason with me or see the situation for what it was became beyond frustrating. Since I couldn’t physically deliver a cold hard slap to his face for asking me to be complacent in allowing my husband to be falsely accused of assault, I figured the next best thing would be for him to read all your comments.
Following the advice I got here, I tried to get ahead of the situation by informing my parents. My dad, a reasonable and practical man, immediately sided with my husband. His comments were similar to what a lot of people here had said, focusing on how dangerous and reckless the prank was and the ramifications of being falsely accused of assault. My mom who unfortunately has always favored my brother, suggested we ‘at least hear her out’ (referring to my brother’s fiancée). As livid as I was about her reaction, I wasn’t surprised by it. My dad did try to shut down her skepticism, but she remained on my brother’s side for a few days—until I showed them footage from my brother’s Tesla (which he had tried to delete!).
The ‘Sentry’ thing (sorry if I’m using the terminology incorrectly I’m not a Tesla owner) recorded part of the interaction in the garage—not the jump scare itself… but the aftermath, which imo was more crucial. My husband’s account was confirmed: He used a measured amount of force to immobilize her and was prepared to escalate if necessary - which is BEYOND generous for someone to do in a situation like that (and definitely not owed).
Many of you speculated that she might have a fixation or even a crush on my husband, and I’m starting to reconsider some past interactions with that in mind. I also misunderstood what ‘dark’ books she expressed she enjoyed (and compared my fiancee to) - I learned from comments here that they are actually a sub-type of the romance genre. I didn’t know she was comparing him to characters in romance novels because one of the characters I recall her comparing my husband to was from a book about dragons. I genuinely wish I still remembered the names of various characters she’s mentioned over the months so I could satisfy my own curiosity but my brain glossed over the names during conversations.
We have a group chat for the wedding, which includes my brother, my parents, my brother’s fiancée, and her parents. In that chat, I addressed the incident but didn’t share the Tesla footage—only mentioned that it exists. Her parents didn’t respond in the chat, though I know they saw the message. Later, her mom called mine—apparently, they had no idea about the prank. It’s hard to say whether they believe me or if they’ve taken their daughter’s side after speaking with her. My brother’s fiancée (and my brother) have both extended apologies to my husband, and have requested our presence at their upcoming wedding. My parents, trying to keep the peace, have encouraged us to go, saying it’s the ‘honorable’ thing to do.
So, for the sake of family formality, we’ve decided to attend. However, my husband has made it clear that we’ll be there out of obligation. We will be keeping a distance from them going forward. We haven’t explicitly stated it, but there will be no future invitations to our home, not even for the holiday dinner we had planned before all this happened. My husband is going to minimize all future interaction with my brother’s fiancée. I don’t think we’ll ever trust her again.
I’ll try to spend some one-on-one time with my brother to gauge where we stand. Our relationship feels strained, and this incident has made me realize that I lost him to her long before this happened—something I hadn’t fully recognized until now.
Thanks to everyone for sharing your opinions.
A reporter from a news outlet reached out to me, and I remember requesting that if anyone uses my story - I would like them to pass on the following sentiment:
I hope that if you share my story, you can help highlight the dangers of ambush-style pranks. These types of pranks create a threatening environment and put everyone involved at risk of serious harm or injury. They are stupid and dangerous. No one should have to feel threatened or be put in a position where their safety is compromised for the sake of a prank. If that’s the set-up, then it’s not a prank. Actions like these will always have consequences, some of which may be irreparable, and no prank is worth the risk of someone getting hurt.
Editing to add a little footnote:
I understand people get curious and invested… but please consider this my final update. If necessary, I will update again in the future but it will be unlikely and I assure you it won’t be any time soon. I got a lot of DMs requesting updates on the previous post so I thought I’d place this disclaimer here.
… And another Edit to fix the formatting.
I wrote this post in my Notes app first which was a dodo move apparently. Sorry I suck at this.
Some of OOP’s Comments:
Commenter: PLEASE make sure to eep a copy of that video and if possible a written statement from your future SIL. She can always backtrack and try to ruin your husband’s life with a false accusation.
OOP: We have a copy :) My husband pulled the footage the night the incident happened while the rest of us were still talking… I didn’t mention it in an edit because he was waiting to see if my brother would be willing to show it to us himself and I was going to send the post I made to my brother. When my brother didn’t bring it forward… I revealed it.
Commenter: How did you get the footage from your brothers Tesla?
OOP: He used my brother’s phone to unlock it (You just have to bring it near the car, the phone doesn’t have to be unlocked or anything). He pulled up the event and recorded a video of it with his phone. I know you didn’t ask but I’ll just add this next thing too so other people can see more easily since I sometimes can’t keep up with answering all the comments. When it came to apologizing… my brother refused to be honest and claims he might have accidentally deleted it because he has, apparently … a habit of deleting all the footage since it records unnecessarily a lot and he rarely reviews it back. He claims since my husband got in and reviewed it first, the tablet in the car didn’t show the notification for him when he turned the car on when they were leaving. He assumed it didn’t record an event.
Commenter: I think, since they both apologized, you are making the right decision by going to the wedding, but still keeping your distance in the future.
Is the video good enough to see the look on her face after the prank went bad?
OOP: It started recording when he reacted to her, not before that… I’m guessing because it got triggered by the movement? I don’t own a Tesla, but from walking past it myself while my brother was staying with us, I noticed it would record me (you can see the eyeball thing) when I would be grabbing something from my extra freezer (which is in our garage). I wouldn’t have to touch the car or anything for this to happen. When the incident happened… my husband said it also flashed its lights suddenly which was disorienting. The recording had that ghostly night vision look in the dark, so unfortunately both parties look a bit weird in the footage up until my husband turned the lights on. When my husband shoved her against the wall, she had the mask still on so you can’t really see the look on her face. When he pushed it off/turned on the lights, he was obscuring her so no Scooby Doo unmasking moment caught on camera. Right after that… he backs off and is just exasperated. She is seen fixing and smoothing her hair repeatedly and has one hand on her chest (or heart I guess?). I’m sure she was shocked/scared in the moment but she accused him of slammed her knowing who she was and that’s not true, the video confirmed he slammed her before that, and just before the Tesla flashed the lights. At no point does she look afraid of him or anything like that. Edit to emphasize - the footage shows he doesn’t touch her in any way after unmasking her.
Commenter:I thought about it in the first post and I’m thinking about it now: what was her endgame? What did she want as a reaction? Or did she go in with head empty no thoughts energy?
OP would be well advised to keep her husband far faaar away from her STB SIL until she starts showing some evidence of keeping fiction separate from reality.
OOP: My take as a person who has never read much romance books is that she just wanted to see if she could be the one to scare/startle him? Like maybe she wanted to hear a girly scream escape my otherwise stoic husband who she doesn’t really know anything about… like not even enough to compare him to some fictional guys. I feel like this by itself would be viewed as an accomplishment by her, if she could claim she is the ‘only’ one who has gotten such a reaction from him / brag about it. It seems juvenile. But she has bragged about similar things.
Commenter: Out of interest, is your husband objectively conventionally attractive?
OOP: Maybe not in the chiseled male underwear model who looks too perfect kind of way … but he is objectively handsome. He is very tall with dark hair, athletic, and has good bone structure. But he’s not flashy or someone who likes to draw attention to himself so I don’t know if his personality fits. He isn’t brooding or morally gray or domineering. He is reserved. Hard to read. I said it on the other post that maybe his persona can come across intimidating from a distance because he’s not very chatty and doesn’t yap… But his smile can bridge that easily. He’s not menacing. Or macho. Or controlling. Or cocky. I don’t think he has any of those super toxic traits which probably add to the tension in those books?
Brother:
That’s definitely my main concern … having an irreversible falling out with my brother because of her. As it stands right now my brother feels so unreachable, even my dad is struggling to connect with him … we’re both worried this marriage is a mistake or something is going on with him that makes him feel he has to go through with it, so much so that he’s unwilling to talk to us or even pause to reconsider.
Commenter: Okay, I’m guessing a (slightly) spicy book with dragons. Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros. The male lead is on the darker side. His name is Xaden Riorson. I love reading so if anyone has any other ideas, I’d like to hear about it.
I can’t imagine your brother taking the side of his fiance pranking your husband, it screams obvious crush, let alone him choosing to marry her.
OOP: Guys, tysm for the sleuthing it’s KILLING ME not knowing what references she’s made in the past because now I am all of a sudden interested in trying to put myself in her brain. But idk if this book character is correct. I read the description and Xaden is brown/tawny skinned. My husband has dark hair and a warm skin tone … but he’s definitely not brown. But maybe it’s not about the looks? I laughed when in the description it says “his features are harsh and utterly perfect, as if an artist spent their lifetime carving and sculpting them, yet alone a year on his mouth”
Commenter: Why does your husband feel obligated to go to the wedding?
OOP: He’s only going to accompany me … so I’m the obligation. He made that known to my brother. I’m going at the request of my parents/grandparents… and if I’m super honest … I’m also going because I still hope my brother will come around and open up to me and be honest with me. Because throughout this whole ordeal, he hasn’t been and it just seems to me like something is wrong that he isn’t sharing (something that goes beyond this incident). So in my head I’m giving him one final opportunity… because the way things are right now, we are headed for no contact after the wedding and I just know it will be easier for me if I feel like I did everything and have no regrets.
