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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-16 05:02:21+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwingthrowthrown
My [23F] boyfriend [25M] of 1yr is starting to gross me out and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.
TRIGGER WARNING: Verbal abuse, invasion of boundaries, gross body stuff
Original Post Sept 20, 2015
Hello, Reddit.
This is really awkward and embarrassing to share, but I can’t think of anywhere else to get advice. I’ve been dating James for just over a year. We have a really good relationship and we are good with communicating any issues that we have come to, I am very much in love with him and we are happy. Now, maybe he is very comfortable with me now; which I know is a good thing, but I’m very frustrated and I don’t know if it’s just me. This is the only issue I have with him. He’s just constantly farting and burping and it’s starting to really gross me out. It feels stupid to even type that… but it’s really become excessive.
We are both graduated from school and work full time, we do not live together but he is starting to move into my apartment. This started about 5 months into our relationship and it has gotten progressively worse. He will burp constantly and blow it into my face, to a point where I will start dry heaving, because he thinks it’s funny. He does the same thing with farting, always trying to do it on me because he thinks it’s hilarious. I know its normal, I grew up with 4 brothers, but he is constantly FORCING it to happen.
This is not once or twice. We have spent almost every night together the past 6 months, and it will happen all night. ALL night. I have asked him to please stop because I find it really gross, especially the burping because he will do it in my face and it turns my stomach and he will apologize but still continue to do it. Or lean in for a kiss and burp in my face instead, then laugh himself to the point of tears when I act disgusted.
I thought maybe, at first, he was just really gassy and I should be more understanding because it’s a natural bodily function. He does not do this when we are out to dinner or with friends. A few months ago we went to a wedding together with some members of his family and he accidentally burped really loudly like he normally does when he is alone with me, and our table went really silent and glared at him. I didn’t want him to be embarrassed so I highfived him and said “Good one!” and the whole table started laughing and cheering and he afterwards he pulled me aside and said he was thankful I did so, as he was humiliated but I broke the ice. I was a bit drunk and frustrated so I asked him why he does it to me constantly but he wouldn’t do it in front of other people. His reasoning is that I am his girlfriend and he should be able to “play around” with me like that. That I was being a typical girl for finding it rude, uptight, high maintenance. I didn’t want to argue about it, so I told him I was none of those things and he knew it – cut the bullshit, we’ll talk about it later when we’re sober and just have a fun time at the party for now. And we did. But it never changes.
I’ve tried to make plans to be out of the house when we see each other, because even though it seems ridiculous it’s starting to stress me out. I can’t talk to any of my friends about it because they think it’s so funny. He is a very sweet guy, I like spending time with him, but I feel nauseous when we are alone together because it’s just so gross. He is starting to work longer shifts so he wants to stay in a lot most nights to relax. He started doing it during sex, as a joke, and our sex life has really suffered because of it.
A few nights ago he was texting me before he got off work, complaining about his day and he seemed really stressed out so I told him I would come over and I’ll make his favorite and I’ll make him forget about it. So I went over to his house and started cooking until he was off. After dinner he leaned in to kiss me, and I turned my head because I’m so used to him burping in my face. We had an argument because he was accusing me of cheating (we haven’t been having sex). I told him it was because of the burping, and he said I needed to get over it, that he was only joking and I was being such a prude. That his girlfriend shouldn’t reject a kiss from him yadda yadda. I told him that I’ve been saying this is a problem for a while, I DON’T think it’s funny AT ALL. I have thrown up because of it (he started to laugh as I said that). And I just… kinda lost it. I don’t really yell at people, I am a calm and collected person, so I scared him a bit. I told him it was disgusting and I am getting to the point where I’m no longer attracted to him, that I’ve been trying so hard to be understanding but it’s a two way street. It wasn’t to me about something being “gross” or “funny” any more, it was about respect.
He kind of got defensive, trying to throw in how I was overreacting, being ridiculous, but I shut it down and he apologized because he apparently didn’t know I felt so strongly about it… He would try not to do it any more, at all. I don’t care that it happens! I only care that he forces it. Etc.
Now, having talked it out – for the next couple of hours he actually didn’t try to burp in my face or fart on me. I was so happy I could enjoy cuddling my boyfriend without trying not to vomit. So I started unzipping his pants, to make him forget about his bad day. You already know where this is going. It’s humiliating but I’m going to type it out anyway, as I was trying to blow him he pushed my head down so I couldn’t get away and tensed up and started farting loudly, while laughing. I was so frustrated I started crying immediately. I think he realized he did something wrong because he let go of my head and tried to hold me and he kept say “I’m sorry, I thought you meant to do it less. I thought it was going to be funny, to break the tension from before.” But I got up and left his apartment.
That was two days ago. He has tried calling me, texting me constantly. I have not responded. His messages range from being very apologetic to very angry, back and forth. I don’t know what to do and I feel like this relationship is over but I still love him. I feel also, really gross and violated in a way. Our mutual friends have been texting me as well asking if everything is okay, and I’ve tried explaining the situation to my best friend but he found it hilarious. So I’m afraid to explain it to anyone else. This is just… so stupid. I literally feel like I’m crazy; maybe I am uptight etc. I also have a lot of his stuff over here that belongs to him and I’m worried he will come back to get it and I’ll have to face him. What should I do? Am I just overreacting?
tl;dr: My boyfriend is constantly burping in my face and farting on me even though I don’t find it funny, am I overreacting?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
[deleted]
Fuck that. I grew up with 3 brothers and I wouldn’t put up with this from a boyfriend either. Tell him “when you do this, it reminds me of growing up with my brothers, and you’re starting to be about as attractive as a brother…as in I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU BECAUSE OF THIS. Stop it immediately or I am going to stop this relationship immediately. You are seriously crossing my boundaries, and this is not ok anymore.” If he can’t pick up on the fact that you are serious after THAT talk, dump him, because he’s about as mature as a 2 year old
OOP
That’s how I feel, he’s like one of my brothers. I tried telling him this but I don’t think he was taking me seriously. Thank you for your reply, because I suppose it really is a boundary and that’s why I’ve been so upset about it and kind of invalidating my own feelings and believing I am being kind of ridiculous.
~
Bloopitybl
Good god. Just good god.
After you literally screamed at him about it like a few hours ago, he thought it would be funny?!
Can you even picture being naked with him without gagging?
Also the whole thing is kind of hilarious in the I can’t believe this is how a real grown ass person behaved, you’ve got to be making this up kind of way.
OOP
To be fair, he did text saying he thought it was only the burping thing that I didn’t like that much because it was what caused the fight and that’s why he thought it would be funny. But I haven’t replied because I know I mentioned it as well.
dreamqueen9103
Why would anyone think “burping in her face makes her mad… I know! I’ll fart in her face! That’ll charm her pants off!!”
Update Sept 21, 2015 (Next Day)
Thank you for everyone who replied to my original post, and also those who PM’d me. I wasn’t really expecting as much support… but I’m glad that I’m not alone. Last night I was pretty miserable and just felt confused and sick about the whole thing. It really helped me deal with what I was feeling and rationalize, reading what everyone had written.
I just want to clear a few things up before I get into how this has climaxed for me. My…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1gsfzay/my_23f_boyfriend_25m_of_1yr_is_starting_to_gross/
I just want to clear a few things up before I get into how this has climaxed for me. My boyfriend did not start out doing this constantly, I remember the first time he did it I was confused and told him right away I did not like it calmly and he seemed to understand. I have NEVER laughed when he did it purposely. I know the difference between an accident and what he does.
A lot of the replies helped me examine my relationship as a whole. We have had other problems that seem to fit the same pattern, he had the same behavior with driving very fast for fun and he had the same issue with “playfully” pinching and tickling but he was doing it so hard it would leave bruises. I always expressed that I did not like this but he was insistent that I was overreacting. When I showed him he was actually hurting me, he stopped completely and never did it since. I didn’t think it was an important thing to bring up… I think it’s a bit harsh to call him abusive. Because he respected that boundary.
I know a lot of people were suggesting that I do the same thing to him, or retaliate in the same way and it might sound nice to entertain that fantasy but I’m really not like that. I will never let someone elses actions define who I am as a person. I know I will never try to intentionally hurt someone and that makes me have faith in myself. A few of you made me really cry because before I wrote my post I was completely unsupported and I felt alone and… well, really ridiculous and dumb. So thank you very much for taking the time to help me even though I’m a stranger and none of you owe me anything – let alone your time and kindness. Thank you.
Now on to today.
I have not replied to any of James’ messages. I blocked him on all devices. I feel like I basically told him was over and he knew that. I have messaged a few of our mutual friends back saying that I would really appreciate it if they would just drop it, that everything is okay with me but the relationship is over between us. A post said I didn’t have to explain the situation completely, so I did that; they seemed very understanding except one replied saying “over a one time incident? Get real lol but w/e so long as you’re happy” It didn’t really bother me, because I know the TRUTH. It was hurtful that James may have lied, but I’d rather surround myself with people who value honesty.
I also invited my best friend over and asked him if he could help me box all of James’ belongings to which he agreed right away. He kept asking me what happened, and if I was okay so I showed him this post and he was disgusted. He apologized for laughing when I had tried to tell him earlier because he said he didn’t know it was so serious. He offered to take James’ belongings to him, but I made him promise to not be hostile or I’d ask someone else. He agreed.
We spent a lot of the day in my apartment… when the front door opened. It’s hard for me to articulate myself, but I’ll try to type it exactly as it happened: We both heard it and stopped talking immediately. It was James.
I’m not going to lie, I was immediately frightened and maybe I could have handled it better but I kind of just stood there. I just didn’t expect to see him, he has never showed up at my home or work without a warning. My friend asked him “What the fuck he thinks he was doing here.” James kept staring at me and ignored him saying “I thought you were dead or something, why have you been ignoring me?”
My friend stepped in front of him and handed him one of the boxes and told him he could take his stuff and leave, that it was over and I didn’t want to talk to him. James laughed and made a move towards me and said I needed to talk to him alone, but my friend moved in front of him and told him that he shouldn’t be in my house uninvited, that it was illegal and he was going to call the police. Then James got really mad and twisted his face all weird and I can’t explain it but he started yelling and it was like he wasn’t the same person at all.
He called me a slut and a cunt and said that I was some ridiculous princess and he just kept going, my friend telling him “That’s nice, now you need to leave or I’m gonna make you.” And then James threw down his box and punched my friend in the face. I don’t remember exactly, but my friend fell back and James came up to me and he grabbed me and started shaking me saying I was stupid for throwing this all away and that I was probably sleeping with my friend. I was very afraid and I couldn’t believe this was happening.
My friend got up and grabbed him by the back of his shirt and threw him off me and shoved him out of my apartment. James ran away down the hall kicking people’s doors and screaming. My neighbor had come out of his apartment and asked what was going on and I told him to call the ambulance because my friend was bleeding from his nose, I was so embarrassed. At the hospital I kept embarrassing myself crying and apologizing to my friend while we were in the waiting room. His nose is broken, he keeps making Owen Wilson jokes/impressions, but he is okay.
Now, I am at my friends house because I am afraid to go home. he said I can stay with him for as long as I need to. I feel really awful that my friend got his nose broken because I was a bad judge of character. I also feel really guilty that I got so scared I just kind of stood there and let my friend get hurt.
My friend is taking me to the police station to file a report but I just want this whole thing to be over, but he is being insistent because I need to do this to ensure my safety. This is my first relationship and I don’t even know if this person was real, I didn’t think this was even possible to happen. I don’t understand what I missed and I feel like I’m vibrating inside because of how frightened I am. I want to go home to my apartment but I’m afraid he will come back. The way my head is does not make any sense. I feel ashamed even writing all of this because it was from something so small and juvenile so i don’t know I’m just handling it weird or my head it blowing it completely out of proportion.
How do I proceed now, after I file a report. Has anyone been in this same situation before? How do people hide that kind of anger for over a year? Why did this happen? I’m sorry for the questions, but I just can’t make sense of my own thoughts right now.
tl;dr: my ex boyfriend came to confront me and hurt my friend, how do I make him stay away and get back to normal?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
downvoted commenter
“I have not replied to any of James’ messages. I blocked him on all devices. I feel like I basically told him was over and he knew that. I have messaged a few of our mutual friends back saying that I would really appreciate it if they would just drop it, that everything is okay with me but the relationship is over between us.”
“James kept staring at me and ignored him saying “I thought you were dead or something, why have you been ignoring me?””
I’m sorry, but this is unclear… you actually did tell James that the relationship was over, right? While his reaction was obviously negative, I can kind of see why it would be overblown if he finds out that he has been dumped by having his girl’s “friend” hand him a box of his crap and tell him to leave his girl’s house.
OOP
I did not explicitly say it was over, but when I had yelled at him before the blow job incident I told him I could not handle him doing it to me anymore etc. But in his texts, between apologies he said things like “Have a nice life, you’re not going to be hearing from me again.” And that he was done with the whole thing and me being ridiculous. I can see what you mean, and that’s what I’m worried about – from his point of view maybe he didn’t really mean to act like that at all.
Final comment from OOP
This was my first relationship so I wasn’t really sure… I guess I didn’t have anything to compare it to – to be like, hmm, this isn’t quite right, and in that way I suppose I couldn’t trust how I felt about it. But he has had quite a few other girlfriends, I guess my mistake was telling myself that he obviously knows better than I do because he has dated prior to me. I don’t know why but it seems still alien for me to think of this as abuse… Especially since he can’t defend himself. But I know what you are saying.
Thank you for your reply, I will take the things you said to heart and really take this time to look into myself so I can have healthier relationships and be a healthier person.
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