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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-18 05:00:05+00:00.
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/KnockedUp27
I’m [27F] having troubles answering people’s questions about my pregnancy, caused some drama with friends (all 20s)
Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace, accusations of infidelity, bullying, rape, victim blaming
Original Post: September 14, 2016
I’m [27F] having troubles answering people’s questions about my pregnancy, caused some drama with friends (all 20s)
I’m 7 months pregnant with a child I plan on giving to a wonderful couple, closed adoption. I made this choice because the child was the product of non-consensual sex. I didn’t press charges because I was a bit of a party-girl and didn’t think I would be believed. I honestly have no idea who the guy was, I just remember trying to push him off and being to drunk to do so.
MY choice to not press charges. MY choice to keep the pregnancy. MY choice to adopt out. I am comfortable with these choices. They are private and personal and I am keeping most of this to myself.
My asshole friends and co-workers have turned it into a game. I was hiding the pregnancy until I started really showing a couple weeks ago. I get that people are curious about it. It’s rather surprising. But I saw a betting pool being passed around the office…THEY ARE PLACING BETS ON WHO IS THE FATHER! I was shocked and a little hurt.
My friends are also curious. I have one close friend who basically knows everything (she’s going to be in the room for the birth for me) and she’s not telling anyone. So, rumors are starting. One terrible rumor is that it’s my (now former) friend Karen’s husband Troy’s baby. Karen called me in tears. I went over to her house to tell her to her face it wasn’t it possible. She demanded to know the truth. I told her it was none of her business and she blasted me on fb.
Some friends have been really nice to my face but everything gets back to me eventually. Some people are saying that I’m a paid surrogate. I guess that one is ok. I hate that people are talking about me like this. I made ONE blanket statement on fb yesterday: “I guess I can’t hide it anymore. Yes, I am pregnant. I am giving a lovely couple the child they have tried to have for years. It’s very personal and private and I ask that you all respect that.” It’s got a bunch of comments but I haven’t read them. I’m going to take a big break from social media.
I don’t know what else to do or say. I am uncomfortable with everyone’s constant questions. I LOVE my job and usually my co-workers. It’s my hope that I can suck it up and go back to normal in a few months. Weirdly, I’ve got great inner-peace with everything because I am so happy to be giving the adopting parents (who are the kindest men I have ever met: a kindergarten teacher and a social worker) something they could never have on their own.
Here’s what I need from the readers of this sub: What can I say that isn’t a lie but will shut people up without giving out information I’m not comfortable sharing? I don’t like calling her (the baby is female) an ‘accident’. The two people who know the whole truth (my friend and my doctor) immediately asked me why I didn’t report it. I’m ashamed and humiliated. I really don’t want to say much of anything. I think a big part of why this is so hard for me and those around me is that I’m usually really talkative and social. Loud-mouthed. I’m in sales so now that I’m showing I’m also dealing with these questions from strangers too. Should I go to my manager about the pool? Laugh it off? Wait for it all to blow over?
tl;dr: I need to figure out what to tell people about my unplanned pregnancy in a polite but firm way that will make them stop speculating
UPDATE #1 (OOP updated in the same post on same day, four hours later)
Thank you so much for all the support. I’m glad I posted this.
I had a good cry, took an antacid (or 4) and went to the owner, Jim. I told him the truth and I told him that I really didn’t want the guys to know and I needed the jokes and talk to stop because it was hurting me. He hugged me and told me he was proud of me (which made me cry again. Fucking hormones). He gathered the staff and had a quick (what he calls come to Jesus) meeting. He announced that he would fire anyone who made me uncomfortable about my pregnancy on the spot and that all the money from the pool needed to end up on my desk, pronto. He was great. He didn’t share any of my personal info, he just protected me and made it quick and easy. After we disbursed, he told me I could have an additional week paid medical (I already have 2 weeks sick/vacation I haven’t used).
I am going to text/talk to my friend and tell her she can subtly let people know what happened (especially Karen).
This baby bump is sales gold, I just landed a BIG commission while sitting!
I still think, as great as Jim is, I need to get out of this town. I’ll always be a trailer park slut to people around here. My mama died when I was real young and I acted out a lot after that. Everyone knows what I did and won’t let me forget. Despite working my ass off to graduate, working my way up to sales lead, buying my home and fixing it up myself. I’m sick of Oklahoma. I’m thinking maybe somewhere in Oregon or Washington. Real pretty up there.
Again, thank you for all the kind and helpful advice. I feel so much better. This has always been one of my favorite subs to lurk. Thanks.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Your friends and colleagues are assholes. Tell people simply that you are not sharing details. Keep it simple. Sounds like you do have one decent caring friend. After this was over I would consider launching a fresh start. Given the circumstances of the pregnancy and how everybody is reacting at least get some counselling to deal with this and maybe plot out some goals and desires fo the kind of life you really want. Sorry you have had such a bad experience.
OOP: I am thinking about a new start, actually. I love my field (building material sales) and can do it anywhere. I don’t have any family. My house would sell for double what I owe. I’ve been researching towns that I’ve always liked.
My doctor gave me a referral for a therapist, but I wasn’t interested. Maybe I should give it a go. Thanks.
OOP on why she chose not to reveal anything to her friends about her unplanned pregnancy
OOP: I really don’t want people knowing what happened to me. Like I said in my post, the first reaction was why didn’t you report it? I hate that I didn’t. I hate that some dude is out there, thinking he can do that. I hate that I used to drink so much. I hate that because I used to drink a lot and hook up a lot that people think so little of me.
I just don’t want everyone to know. I don’t want this little girl to ever find that out.
Did OOP report the situation to HR?
OOP: We’re a smallish outfit. We don’t have an HR. We have an owner-manager (who I really respect and is kind of like a second father to me). We’re 7 guys and me. I’ve always been ‘one of the guys’ about this kind of stuff.
I should go to the owner and tell him what’s up. I’ve been avoiding him. I’ve been avoiding everyone. I don’t want to be pitied, but this shit it worse. I’m all over the place sorry. I’m shut in my office with the worst heartburn I have ever felt trying not to cry.
OOP should consider about leaving her job
OOP: I still have to work with these guys for another couple months, 40-50 hours a week. Maybe longer, I’m still deciding. They just got their pee-pees smacked by work-daddy for being insensitive in a place where we regularly tease each other for everything. They did something stupid, but I still want to get along with them.
Update #2 (rareddit): March 17, 2017
First, I’d like to thank the kind, understanding folk in this sub for your help when I posted this a few months ago:
I had a few PMs asking for updates and how everything went. It’s been a wild ride. I posting this from a freezing (but spectacular) beachside hotel on the coast of Oregon. I had a job interview this morning that I feel really great about and two more lined up. My house sold fast and I have some money to live on and start fresh.
And do I ever need a fresh start.
A few days after I made that post, rumors started up again. I was pregnant with my boss’s baby (some of you called that). And then it was a co-worker’s. And then my friend’s husband again. To save face, I asked my friend to tell the right blabber-mouths the truth. That back-fired. Hard.
Someone (or some people, I don’t know) started posting on CRAIGSLIST about me and the baby. There’s this section called Rants and Raves but I guess people just post garbage there. I looked at some of the posts and someone really has it out for me. They said I was crying rape because I was too slutty to know who the father was. They called me the worst names. I flagged what I could, but new posts kept popping up. I tried to ignore it.
I had a good friend write me this long-ass text about h…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1gtx6pd/im_27f_having_troubles_answering_peoples/
This really shows why abortion needs to be an option. This woman made “the right choice” and it burned her by the people that will parrot ohhh put it for adoption. F%#!ing POS. I hope she find happened elsewhere.
I had a good friend write me this long-ass text about how I was making it all worse with my ‘rape story’. I was devastated. I guess my prior life and reputation are all people there will ever think of me.
I kept my head down and just tried to forget it all. It was effecting my work. I put my house up for sale and made a plan to GTFO.
I was at 38 weeks and had resigned my position (my wonderful boss told me I could come back, but I don’t want to). I was selling most of my belongings and packing what mattered to me. There’s a knock on my door, real late. Later than folks should be knocking. It was a man I kinda know from the bar scene. He was drunk and angry. He told me it was maybe his baby and I had no right to call it rape. I remember talking to him that night, but I really don’t remember it being him. But I don’t remember anything other than pushing him off and wishing I was stronger. I told him to go home and to leave me alone.
I’m trying to brief, but he made the next week hell for me. He was harassing me at my house every day and calling at all hours. He was threatening me and demanding a paternity test. I was terrified that he was going to mess up the adoption. I was growing more and more scared for my safety too. I couldn’t sleep or eat. My friend came over and we called the police and told them everything. The officer who came to my house was great. I don’t know what they said to him, but it worked and he left me alone. I went into labor the next week.
I ended up getting c-section because the baby had turned and was breech. One of her fathers ended up holding my hand (my friend was there but only one was allowed in the room). He got to cut the cord. The baby was perfectly healthy and beautiful. She had this thick, dark hair the chubbiest cheeks. Her fathers were instantly and madly in love. They took her home the next day. I had to stay awhile because of the surgery. It was the hardest three days of my life. The hospital sent a therapist in and she was helpful. When I was released I spent a few days in a luxury hotel with my dear friend. I never went home. I paid someone to pack my stuff for me. I spent the next two months at my grandmother’s house in Texas, recovering and thinking and waiting the cash from the sale of my house. I was terrified I would get a call that the man from the bar had somehow fucked up the adoption, but it hasn’t come and I grew less worried. I honestly don’t care who the father is. I just want the baby to have a good life. I continued to see another therpist. When I felt well enough, we packed my rig and I took off. There was a vague plan of head west and find it. I went to the Grand Canyon. I saw the Great White Sands. I spent an entire freezing day staring at the ocean in Santa Monica. I did the trip cheap, mostly sleeping my car and cheap hotels. I spent time in every place that I found beauty.
I landed here, at the prettiest place I’ve ever seen. I got a good rate at a motel and got an Oregon driver’s liscence. I thought about changing my name too, but I don’t want to change who I am. Just the where.
Wow, this ended up being a novel. Thanks again.
tl;dr: I put up with more awfulness and had the baby. She is with her family and loved. I got the fuck outta Dodge. I’m happy. Well, I’m working on happy. I feel free.
Relevant Comments
OOP moving out of town, start fresh, make new social media accounts
OOP: Excellent advice. I used to love facebook. I have cousins and such that I can only really contact through it. But I disabled my acct during the craigslist nonsense and I don’t miss it. I got a new phone number too and only gave it to a few people I want to hear from. I was a little worried about no social media presence and getting a new job, but I’ll cross that bridge if it comes up. I have a glowing recommendation from my old job and a proven record of success. That should be enough.
Everyone here has been sooooo nice. Not Oklahoma nice, that’s just nosey-nice. People here are chill and kind-hearted. The manager of the hotel I’m calling home at the moment? She just gives rooms to the homeless when it’s cold. Doesn’t make a big deal about it, either. And the kids at the coffee shop I like are all real artsy and funny. I haven’t met a mean or snarky person yet. I know I’m new but it already feels like home in a way.
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