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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/bestupdator on 2025-01-13 18:47:13+00:00.
DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/StellafromVienna in r/offmychest
mood spoilers: no details of bday, but OOP comes to certain understanding
I (27f)made a WhatsApp-Group and invited 15 of my closest friends to my birthday party. I planned a nice theme dinner (the theme was Italy/ Dolce Vita) at a nice restaurant, with one live music act, a nice cake ordered from a bakery and fitting the theme, and decorations.
I wrote a heartfelt text, how I want to celebrate getting older with my oldest and greatest friends and I detailed everything that was planned for the evening in the invitation. And then… nothing. Nobody replied, nobody said a word, like “Thanks for the invite” or “Looking forward” or anything at all. After a few hours my boyfriend posted a party meme in the WhatsApp Group and wrote how excited he was, to get it started. Still nothing.
After almost two days, I posted a GIF of chirping grills and made a funny comment, still thinking, maybe people simply forgot to reply. After another day, I started texting people individually, if they would like to come, or if they are available that evening, and a few responded, that they will let me know soon. Others didn’t respond at all. After almost a week not a single one of my friends posted into the group or have messaged me if they would like to come to my birthday party. After 0 invitation acceptances and after reaching out several times, I felt so ashamed. Like I was begging the people to want to celebrate me or to come. I started to cry and I felt so depressed. Ashamed and humiliated I just deleted the WhatsApp Group. Nobody has asked me about that either.
My birthday is now just a week away. I called the restaurant and cancelled, I called the bakery and cancelled my order and I returned the decorations I bought. Maybe I was the stupid one for organising all those things beforehand, but I was just so sure, that at least a handful of people would like to come / show up. I am just so sad. I have known most of my friends for at least 15 years. I was their bridemaids, their child’s godparent, their maid of honor. I was there at graduation ceremonies and birthday celebrations. And I am truly puzzled. Is it really such a burden to come to my dinner? A dinner, which I would have paid in full and which I tried to make it into a beautiful evening/ event for everyone .
I am just so sad and ashamed, that I wasn’t even worth a reply message. My boyfriend is trying to cheer me up and he immediately got busy organising a surprise birthday evening for me. He is wonderful and I am just so glad he and my parents care so much about me, otherwise I would just feel absolutely worthless
Comment from u/magic_thebothering
Who are these people? I can assure you it is extremely rare to have 15 close friends.
OOP:
Mostly people I went to school or kindergarten with. They are as many as 15, because I invited my friend and additionally their partner, so 6 invitees were actually additional partners. Hope that helps :)
UPDATE 1 - Same day
I have read every single comment. The comments ranged from compassionate, to giving advice or constructive criticism. All in all, reading all of them felt so incredibly uplifting and cathartic. Thank you all! I will continue reading and answering as much as I can and give you any updates.
To the people believing I will get a surprise party, I really, really won’t. I think honestly every one of my friends is in their own bubble and has their own stuff going on and just wasn’t feeling it right now, which was definitely hurtful and rude, but at least it didn’t feel malicious.
About my friends, they are not bad people at all, but they are probably victim to a world, where commitment in general is a rare thing to find, where rules and manners are slowly forgotten and where being constantly busy is a good enough excuse for anything. I found it rude, but I will not confront them, but rather distance myself. They are my friends, because in times of crisis they were there for me and we share many Good memories. However, as many pointed out, you do grow apart and this behaviour might be a result of that.
I talked to my boyfriend a lot and showed him some of the responses and he was very reassuring. He told me the fact that I cared so much, that I always try to do things with love and care, that is one of the things he appreciates and loves most about me and he never wants me to give that up.
I also reflected on me and my character and I will try and do better myself as I also sometimes forgot to reply to a text or cancelled a lunch last minute. I will try to put the behaviour out there, that I would like to receive. I ordered myself a birthday calendar, an address book and a couple of birthday cards, and I will note every birthday of a friend or acquaintance, that I make, and send them a birthday card. Too many of the comments talked about the hurt they felt, when people forgot their birthday and didn’t show up and I find the idea to try to do things differently soothing
PS: Thanks also for the many birthday wishes, they made me so happy!
PPS: For all the people wanting to come my party, I wish! That would certainly be so cool and makes me believe that new friends are just around the corner :)
Downvoted Comment from u/ desantoos
Hard disagree with the majority here. OP, you are 27. That’s well beyond being a child and well beyond expecting anyone to care about your birthday.
Like, did you attend 15 birthday parties each year for all of these people? You probably did not, or at least you can sympathize with people who are like “hey, we’re in our twenties now. We’ve all got jobs and chores to do. Can’t we just simply hang out.”
The older you get, the more you need to stop thinking only about yourself. What do other people want to do that you like doing? Maybe next time arrange something that people would mutually like to do rather than a vanity celebration for something you should’ve grown out of twenty years earlier.
OOP: This comment is quite unfriendly, but I still appreciate that you took the time to comment
UPDATE 2 - Next Day
I followed the advice of basically everyone and asked a few of them what happened and why I wasn’t even granted a reply or reaction, especially when I kindly asked all of them to RSVP until a certain date.
To all the optimistic people, I have to disappoint you, there wasn’t a surprise party planned. Also, all of them use WhatsApp regularly and all of them saw the invites (the Group Messages were ticked blue).
Now for their responses / explanations: Four of them had possible alternative plans and couldn’t decide if they wanted to go to my party or to commit to the other plans, so they just didn’t want to say anything, until they decided on something. 2 girlfriends didn’t have confirmation if their partner could attend or not, so again they just didn’t say anything, because they didn’t know yet (all the partners were included in the Groupchat though). One said she wasn’t feeling too well lately and wanted to decide spontaneously to come. One had a valid excuse, since she tried to find childcare for her 6 months-old child all week long (she is the only one with a child and she actually found childcare, so we will do something with her and her husband).
I told all of them how it made me feel, that it was rude and that it made me cry and feel unwanted. I also told them that it is their loss, because if they don’t appreciate me organising nice events and evenings (this is not the first time I had issues like this), there simply won’t be any for them to attend in the future. They all admitted that there behaviour was rude and unfriendly and were apologetic and told me they are sorry. One friend said he really messed up and after he saw I deleted the group, he felt pretty bad and wanted to approach me anyways. It is not ideal, but it is something.
I will not cut them out as suggested by many, I talked to them, I expressed my hurt and I will give them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and to grow. They are flaky in a society that accepts flaky and non-commital behaviour. They are human and faulty and I am also not a perfect human, who does behave ideal all the time. I know that this answer may disappoint some. I will however make room in my life for people, who are more reliable and who would be appreciative and enthusiastic about theme parties, and will not rely too much on my current friends.
All your messages were so uplifting and nice and I honestly feel a lot better now and I am starting to look forward to my birthday again. I feel also incredibly optimistic that I will find likeminded people and friends in the future, and I won’t give up. I will throw nice parties…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1i0l9di/i_invited_15_of_my_closest_friends_to_my_birthday/
Maybe next time arrange something that people would mutually like to do rather than a vanity celebration for something you should’ve grown out of twenty years earlier.
Lol wtf is up with this commenter? Going out to a restaurant for your birthday is the most normal thing in the world.
Now for their responses / explanations
None of these explain why they couldn’t rsvp tentative. They sound like bullshit
I really expected the update to be her finding out her boyfriend harassed one of them and they’re all distancing themselves, but it seems like he’s actually great. Out of 15 people I’d expect at least one tentative. Or for a few people to accept and then later cancel. It really feels like something is missing from the story, because this feels intentional.
