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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-01-30 05:00:09+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Kindly_Level788, account now suspended

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling my wife to stop treating her sister so badly after her sister confessed to having feelings for me

Trigger Warnings: death of spouse, emotional manipulation

Original Post: January 22, 2025

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 12. We have 2 children. My SIL, Jenna, is a single mom as her husband sadly passed away 7 years ago.

When Jenna’s husband passed away, my wife and I provided support for Jenna and her daughter, because it was a really traumatic time for them. Over the years, my wife and I spent a lot of time over at Jenna’s house, and she would over come over to our house. I also developed a really strong bond with my niece. My wife, my children, and I had a really strong connection with Jenna and her daughter, and we were a really tight knit group.

That was until a few months ago when Jenna confessed something to both me and my wife. We we were all drunk and having a good time, and Jenna kind of just blurted out that she developed feelings for me. I was shocked, and Jenna just burst out in tears and said a lot of things like how she was really grateful I was a father figure to her daughter. I don’t really remember too much from that night, except that my wife kicked Jenna out of our house after that.

My wife and I had a talk about it the next day, and my wife was obviously not happy at all. She said she had suspected this for years, the way Jenna was acting around me, and she couldn’t believe how Jenna betrayed her like that. My wife said we would cut off all contact with Jenna, and I did accept it. My wife told me to block Jenna, which I did.

However, I feel like this whole arrangement has been a bit harsh, especially towards my niece. My niece has been texting me a lot, and I’ve showed my wife the texts, telling her it was unfair that we were punishing our niece too. My wife told me it was a consequence of Jenna’s actions.

However, last night, when my niece sent a really long and sad text about she and her mom were feeling, I felt really bad and had a talk about it with my wife. I told my wife to stop treating Jenna and her daughter so badly, especially after they both went through a traumatic time. I told my wife it was wrong what Jenna did, but atleast have some sympathy. I told my wife to imagine if she we were in Jenna’s shoes, and then one night, tragically lost me. That would scar her for her entire lifetime.

However, my wife got really sad after I said that and just broke down in tears. She didn’t say anything except that she loved me, and she didn’t speak to me the rest of the night. I do feel guilty about what I said, I didn’t intend to make my wife feel like this.

Was I the AH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was YTA

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP needs to prioritize his wife

OOP: My wife is 100% my priority.

It’s just that I feel bad for Jenna and her daughter after what they went through. I don’t have any romantic feelings for Jenna, I consider her like my sister, so I was shocked with her confession. But she was not in the right frame of mind when she made that confession, and she was also drunk.

And it sucks that we’re now no contact because we did develop a really close bond, like a brother sister bond. But I understand why my wife wants us to distance from Jenna because what Jenna did was not ok. I just don’t think we should treat her and her daughter like this, like they’re throwaways.

Commenter 1: Your wife is correct about creating some distance. Your SIL and niece are clearly slotting you into a partner/dad role and some boundaries need to be reestablished. The fact that your SIL was bold enough to admit those feelings in front of your wife is already alarming.

Commenter 2: Also, the wife said she suspected for years and still kept quiet and supported Jenna through her grief. The tourment to think for years that your sister has feelings for your husband…that’s the ultimate betrayal and she must have felt like crap just thinking it.

Now Jenna confirmes the wife was right all along and OP has the audacity to try and guilt her for creating distance. That’s messed up, OP major AH!

Commenter 3: Yikes. You can’t understand how hurtful it is for you to stand up for her sister after her sister admitted to overtly and repeatedly flirting with you around your wife?

You do realize that when your wife said “she suspected it” she was giving both you and Jenna the benefit of the doubt. For years. That WAS her not treating her sister badly. Her sister could have kept that to herself. She chose to say it, not because of alcohol but because she was hoping you’d throw over your wife for her.

She knew better. And her husband died 7 years ago…that is WAY too long ago for any of you to act like that gives her permission to act like a homewrecker.

Update: January 23, 2025 (next day)

Hey everyone, just a quick update.

My wife and I have come to an agreement of sorts. I promised my wife and gave my word that I would be no contact with Jenna for life. I understand that I have to prioritize my wife and make her feel secure, and for that, I will have to cut off all contact with Jenna.

However, per my request, my wife agreed to be in touch with Jenna. I told my wife Jenna had already lost her husband, and it would be really hard for her if she lost her sister too, someone she loved dearly. I asked my wife to just give Jenna a chance to apologize, and that they can hopefully regain their close bond and friendship. My wife did agree to this request, and that made me very happy.

As for our niece, my wife and I agreed that she could come over to our house to hangout, because it wasn’t fair on her to not remain in touch with her aunt and uncle, someone she was very close with.

That’s probably my final update, thanks everyone for the advice.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: That sounds weird. You’re going to cut ties with Jenna for life but wife is still going to hang out with her and niece is still going to come hang out at your house? Have either of you considered the logistics of this? How is niece going to get to your house or back home, if you’re not going to see or speak to Jenna? Is your wife going to have to always spend time with Jenna away from your place? What about holidays or family events? Which of you is going to get left out?

Have either of you spoken to Jenna about all this? How did that go? What does niece think?

It’s probably a good sign that you’re acknowledging you need to distance yourself from Jenna but your plans to do it don’t seem sustainable.

Good luck!

Commenter 2: I feel sorry for your wife. She’s basically strong armed into being the support system for her sister who, for years, has been trying to make the moves on her husband. And the said husband is the one doing the strong arming.

This is not a good outcome OP. Your wife has seen her sister flirt with you for years, in front of her, until the sister finally erupted and confessed her feelings. And instead of being forced to face actual consequences, you’re manipulating your wife to be this sister’s support system.

BTW OP, how is this going to work? Are you going to be checking on your wife on how often she’s required to be there for the sister and how? And if the niece starts to request you be there for her mom, then what? This isn’t a long term, workable solution, this is just a band aid.

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