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The original was posted on /r/autism by /u/Glum_Sport_5080 on 2025-01-30 23:19:07+00:00.

I’m 30. I learned I’m on the spectrum in the last two years. I realized I’ve masked to keep up with “normal” life my whole existence.

I’m wondering if anybody else feels this way. Like my masking when I’m near other people is one person, and when I’m alone I’m another person. When I’m alone looking at myself in the mirror, I make faces, sounds and say things I would never allow another person to see me doing for fear of looking weird. When I’m alone I will talk out loud about any stupid thought I have. Even the person I’m closest to, I will not allow myself to be weird around her.

It feels like I have some kind of split personality and it annoys me. I’m not fake. I’m as genuine and nice as I can be when interacting with people, I wouldn’t want to be any other way. I am always just coping with the social aspect of any situation and trying to be the best person I can be in those moments. But this idea of being one way around people and another when I’m not just reminds me of people being fake and how autism can come across as rudeness or things like that.

I mask 24/7 even around my mom. I’ve never felt comfortable being my weird self because I learned very long ago that you get weird looks, I learned what other kids and adults say about different people when they go away, or sometimes right to their face.