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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-02-20 05:04:13+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning-Mud9227
Originally posted to r/AITAH
[New Update]: WIBTA to divorce my wife after she said she wanted to send our son to a conversion camp?
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
Thank you to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 and u/LucyAriaRose for letting me know about the latest update!
Trigger Warnings: homophobia, assault, child abuse
Mood Spoilers: positive
RECAP
Original Post: November 7, 2024
WIBTA to divorce my wife after she said she wanted to send our son to a conversion camp?
So, this is a pretty heavy situation, and I’m really confused and disgusted ngl cause I never thought my wife was like thsi. My wife (44F) and I (45M) have been married for 14 years. We have two kids a 16-year-old son (let’s call him Noah) and a 12-year-old daughter. We’ve had our fair share of disagreements over the years ofc, but things have generally been smooth between us.
Now for the context Noah came out as gay about a year ago. It was a surprise, and as hard as it was to accept, I love my kids more than anything and just want their happiness. My wife visibly didn’t take it well tho. She was upset and seemed to go through a grieving period where she didn’t really talk about it. I tried to support Noah in every way I could, telling him that I loved him no matter what etc. My wife, though… I could tell she wasn’t on the same page. She would say things like “this is just a phase” or “he needs help” but I brushed it off as her needing time.
Fast forward to last week, and we were having a conversation about Noah’s future. Out of nowhere, my wife casually mentions that she’s been looking into “conversion therapy camps” and thinks it might be the right solution. She said that Noah isn’t truly gay, that he just “hasn’t been shown the right path” and that this could “fix him.” My blood ran cold obv I was in shock. I immediately told her I didn’t agree and that this was not something I could support (duh)
She got upset and said I was enabling Noah’s “confusion” and that if I really cared about him, I would help him “get better.” wtf is wrong with her. She was persistent, and no matter how much I tried to explain that conversion therapy is harmful (like I know those kids get abused, r*ped, and often end up either traumatized or killing themselves) and that I would never send our son to something like that, she wouldn’t back down.
If I’m being 100% honest I don’t even think I love her anymore. The fact she could be so heartless disusts me. I know being gay is not easy and people like her just make it even harder. I’m considering staying, only for our daughter’s sake but would it be ok if it means hurting my son? it feels like a betrayal to Noah. I just don’t think I can keep living with someone who thinks this is okay
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
OOP needs to get a divorce soon as possible. His wife is setting their son up for child abuse
OOP: I mean yeah of course I really want to divorce her (we don’t even talk anymore lol) but I know how damn close my daughter is to her mother. But I know at the moment I need to focus on Noah and hopefully my daughter will be wise enough to understand.
Commenter 1: NTA. Please DO NOT send your son to conversion therapy because of your wife’s heartlessness.
OOP: You don’t have to worry about this, I will NOT do this. i love my son just the way he is. I don’t even know how to tell him his mom wants to do that (the kids noticed the tension between us but I haven’t said anything yet)
Commenter 2: Staying for your daughter’s sake!!! WTF??? What about your SON!!!
NTA!!! Divorce her and get full custody immediately!!! Of both kids. Tell the judge you fear crazy pants will turn your daughter against your son and raise her to be a bigot like her.
Also, if you get any of her nonsense in writing (get it in text), save it! Don’t tell her you’re going to use it in court. Conversion camps should be illegal. It’s so disgusting.
OOP You’re absolutely right. I’ll start looking for a good lawyer and cut her out of our life as soon as possible
Update #1: November 9, 2024 (two days later)
So first of all I’d like to thank everyone here for all the help and advice I’ve gotten under my post and in dms, sorry if I couldn’t answer to everyone there was just too many fucking people lol. So I posted something about my wife wanting to send my son to a conversion camp two days ago. First of all some people told me to show her videos and documentaries about what happens there, but this argument has been ongoing for more than a week now, I’ve showed her things and she won’t budge.
Really bad update if I can be honest, so let’s get into it. All of you told me to try to get him out asap (yall were definitely right) so yesterday I took the day off and went to see an attorney just to get some info about divorce etc. But after what happened I’m 100% sure I want a divorce ASAP.
Yesterday I went to pick Noah at his school and as many of you suggested we had a long discussion. I basically told him his mom and I may be getting a divorce because she wants to send him to a conversion camp but I can’t accept that. I’ve talked with her many times and I told him I’ll probably go through with it. He looked really hurt (my heart broke all over again) but was very understanding and thanked me for standing up for him. I pulled him into a tight hug and told him I’ll always love him no matter what and that nothings his fault.
At that moment he started crying because he was so glad at least I was on his side. And I’m very pissed so sorry if I don’t make sense but apparently his mom had been pressuring him for months. She planned dates with girls to try and “fix” him and he had to lie by saying he was going at a friend’s instead. She was saying he needs help and as much as she loves him he needs to get his “condition” cured (???) etc. I feel so bad because I’ve been so oblivious to all that and I’ve failed to protect him for all that time. How do you make your 16yo son go through that??
So when we got home yesterday I can’t lie I was furious and confronted her right there and then. At first she was trying to explain she was doing it for him but her speech quickly turned to slurs and it was clear she was just ashamed of having a gay son. In the end I told her I went to see an attorney and that learning all that just confirmed that I want a divorce. She got really angry, calling me a delusional disgrace we argued a lot and at some point Noah tried to separate us but my wife punched him multiple times??? She was saying disgusting things like he is a dirty fagg*t and that it’s all his fault we’re getting divorced because his filth corrupted me.
My daughter who was prob in her room came to see what all that commotion was about and was rightfully horrified and quickly called 911 when I told her to. Long story short the cops got there and took her away (she was very reluctant to go because she was ‘not in the wrong’ and they needed to let her go). I explained everything to my daughter and she doesn’t want anything to do with her mom anymore.
Rn I’m in the hospital because my stb ex wife broke my rib while I was restraining her, I should’ve probably went as soon as the cops took her but idc my son was crying, with a black eye and split lip (they are checking for any concussion) and obviously the only thing I cared about was to comfort him because I can’t even imagine what it can feel like being beaten by your mom for being gay. I’m planning to file for full custody ofc and my kids don’t want to see her ever again anyway. Given all the charges she’s facing I hope she won’t stand a chance against me. I just sent a mail to my attorney and I hope the procedures will be fast. I’ve also thought of getting CPS involved but I’m not sure they will rly help
Like I cannot understand how you can grown so resentful of your own kid because of something they can’t control. Even I had pretty strong opinions about it, but as a father it is my role to unconditionnally love my kids and so I learnt about the topic and changed my way of seeing the world for him. It took some time grasping it but I never doubted one sec the love I have for my child. I thought it was the same for my wife. Visibly not
Relevant Comments
OOP on his daughter’s strength to call for help and get her some therapy if needed
OOP: Thank you very much. I’m so proud of her for doing this, only at 12!
She’s pretty shaken and confused, but she seems to understand the gravity of her mom’s actions. I’m so sad she had to be dragged into this mess as well.
OOP on kicking his wife out of the house or moving out somewhere with his kids
OOP: We’ve got a house that is under both our names, and e didn’t have a prenup. People have been teeling me to change the locks and throw her stuff out b…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1itqpoa/new_update_wibta_to_divorce_my_wife_after_she/
Wow better to lose her children then have some semblance of relationship. Pretty sure any conversion camp is a scam.
OOP on kicking his wife out of the house or moving out somewhere with his kids
OOP: We’ve got a house that is under both our names, and e didn’t have a prenup. People have been teeling me to change the locks and throw her stuff out but I just don’t know if I can do that. If I can’t I’ll either go back to my parents with the kids or rent an apartment in the meantime.
Update #2: November 25, 2024 (two weeks later)
So, a little over two weeks ago, I posted about my stb-ex wife putting both my son and me in the hospital because he is gay. First of all, I’d like to thank everyone for the support and advice we’ve received. The kind words were overwhelming. To all the trolls saying this is fake, God knows I wish it was. Maybe I didn’t make much sense because I was extremely shaken, so I apologize if that’s the case.
Now, for the update. It’s been difficult ever since, but don’t worry, this is not a bad update. First of all, I was able to get an emergency custody order. I’m very, very relieved because many of you warned me about how people can have their kids forcefully taken by those conversion camps, and I’m relieved that she can’t do that anymore. I’m still overly anxious and only leave my son alone when he’s at school. I’ve instructed all the teachers to make sure no one but me approaches him. Thank god my boss has been understanding on the matter. I’ve been granted the exclusive use of our house as well, so I’ve changed the locks and installed security cameras. Many friends and family members (from my side of course) have been visiting often, to give us both emotional support and safety.
Many of you also advised me to document every injury that my son and I sustained (fortunately my son didn’t suffer a concussion) so I took plenty of pictures and gave them to my lawyer, and she has also taken my, my son’s and my daughter’s testimony. Given all the charges my wife is facing (child abuse both physically and emotionally/neglect/endangerment, assault and battery, hate crime and domestic violence. Yeah, it doesn’t look very good for her), our lawyer is confident that I will 100% be granted full custody. She also said that it’s likely stbe’s attorney will recommend that she gives up her parental rights, given the overwhelming evidence against her. Also i’=t’s very likely that my son and I -possibly even my daughter if she asks for it- will be granted a restraining order against her.
My lawyer has told me CPS involvement will only strengthen my case, as they are thoroughly investigating everything. While we’re still waiting to get the court date, I am feeling highly confident and relieved for the first time since all that shit happened. I’ve gathered tons of overwhelming evidence against ‘the toxin’ (thanks to that person who came up with that name). I’ll keep everyone updated, and thank you again for all the advice and support my kids and I have received. I honestly don’t know how I could have gotten through this without all of you. Y’all just saved a family, be proud!
Relevant Comments
OOP on getting therapy for his children and himself
OOP: We’ve already started therapy, both as a group and individually. I know Noah is having a rough time but it seems he’ll be alright. I’ll keep supporting him the best way I can.
Commenter 1: I’m so glad you’re feeling more confident now, and it’s amazing to see how you’re protecting your kids. You’ve done the right thing by taking action and getting the support you needed. Stay strong for your kids, you’re doing a great job!
Commenter 2: I am so glad that you have legal representation and that she is being dealt with legally and that it looks like it’s a slam dunk and I hope that monster gets put away for a long time.
----NEW UPDATE---- Update #3: February 13, 2025 (2.5 months later)
Hi everyone, it’s been a while. If you don’t remember me, I’m the dad who posted about his wife wanting to send our son to a conversion camp, which escalated to her attacking us/sending us to the hospital. It’s been a while since the last update, and I’m sorry to have kept all of you hanging like this. I was honestly too focused on protecting my son to think about it. lol. So now… onto the update. I’ll try to make it fast! I’m exhausted, so I apologize if I don’t make a lot of sense.
First of all, the divorce. The divorce isn’t finalized yet, as my legal team focused on securing custody and protective orders first. Now that’s settled, the divorce proceedings will be moving forward. About the custody, she gave up all her parental rights to both Noah and my daughter, which means I have full custody of both. Also, Noah and I thankfully got a restraining order against her. However, For some reason, the judge decided my daughter didn’t need one since her mother hadn’t physically attacked her??? My lawyer was fuming. As if her actions weren’t self-explanatory. I don’t know what that judge was on, but I sure as hell want it.
About the sentencing. As I said, the toxin gave up her parental rights and agreed to a plea deal -which is how we saw the judge so fast, which I believe significantly reduced her sentence. She was found guilty of assault and battery, child abuse, emotional distress, a hate crime, and domestic violence. She was eventually sentenced to one year and ten months in jail-but she could be released early for good behavior- as well as 100h of community service when she gets out. This is still crazy though, given she literally broke my ribs and beat the shit out of my son, I believe she should be locked up for much longer. We had so much evidence, medical records, testimonies, CPS. At least we’ll be away from her for that time. I’m shocked by how fast all this went though, I guess the police doesn’t joke about domestic violence against minors.
Now onto my son, my daughter, and me too. I’ve put the three of us in therapy. My daughter quit within a few weeks, saying she didn’t need it anymore. However, Noah is still attending, both alone and with me. His mother’s behavior left deep scars that, of course, can’t be seen but are very much present. And I feel like therapy helps him navigate his own identity and self-acceptance better as well. He begged me to keep this 100% anonymous, which I did, as he is not out yet to most of his friends at school. The few friends who know have been very supportive, though, and there is this boy I think my son likes.
Overall, we’ve gotten so much support, and I couldn’t have protected them without all of you. Not only from our friends and family, but mainly from all of you, who gave so much advice, so many reassuring words of love and encouragement. Reddit truly is a wonderful place.
We’ve lost people, of course. As I said, I myself was raised to be homophobic, so, some people from my side of the family cut us off. But most of them still supported us. We lost my wife—it was truly heartbreaking to see who she really is—but we don’t need that kind of person in our lives. In exchange, we’ve got all of you, and we wouldn’t be here without you. Right now, my kids are playing Mario Kart at our home, and who knows what could have happened instead if I did not seek help here? I can never thank you all enough for saving my son. I believe this will be my last update? Surely I will update if my crazy ex reappears, or when my son gets married, but in the meantime, this will be it. Thanks again, so much!
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: Love and light to you, my friend. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this, but you are a freaking rock star for standing up for your kid.
OOP: I’ll always stand up for my kid. I’m so proud of him.
Commenter 2: You protected your son and did the right thing. I’m sorry your daughter wasn’t able to get an order but your ex will be away for a very long time
Commenter 3: Great job Dad! And YOU saved your son. You were the one who did everything to ensure his safety and wellbeing and a happy future. Good luck to you and your kids!
Commenter 4: I remember your original posts, and I’m glad everything mostly worked out for the best (agreed on your ex getting too lenient a sentence but it’s almost surely because of the plea deal).
Give yourself, your daughter, and most of all your son a big ol’ hug from this internet stranger
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
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