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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-02-22 05:00:05+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Pretend_Mode_9494

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for refusing to babysit my nephews again for free?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: changed letters to names for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, exploitation, verbal abuse

Original Post: February 12, 2025

I’m 29 f, child free by choice. My sister Carlene is 27 f, has two boys ages 3.5 and 2. We live close to each other and I’ve been in their lives since the beginning. We are each other’s only family, we come from a broken and dysfunctional family. I love the boys but they are a lot of work, especially on top of my own career in social work and my personal reasons for not wanting kids of my own.

I watch them / help out/ babysit probably 10-20 hours a week currently, and it’s getting exhausting. The times I’ve been needed have slowly increased and over the last seven-ish months it’s been like this. At first it was Carlene looking for a part time job, going to mandated courses to get unemployment, occasional movie nights with friends etc which I was ok with. Now I spend most of my free time at their house. Lately the cause has been that her best friend’s mom is dying and Carlene needs to be there. She’s a single mom and I get that it’s hard, but recently I feel like she’s using me and I rarely see my fiance as we both work shifts that change all the time.

Sometimes when she’s asked me to watch them and I’ve had some other plans, Carlene sends me a voice message of the boys crying, missing me, guilt tripping me, saying it’s such a shame I care more about myself than them. Telling me she would ask someone else if she had anyone else to ask. Saying really mean things about me being selfish for wanting to enjoy date night when she has to choose between her kids and her best friend’s dying mom. I could handle if that’s all it was but now it’s also affecting the next time we meet.

When I get there, the house is a mess, there’s nothing to eat and they “happen” to have a day for a shower/bath, or Carlene casually mentions I need to put together a gym bag or something similar for them for the next day. These weird, extra things that are obviously revenge. The first time this happened I assumed she’d be grateful I helped where I could but it wouldn’t be an issue if I didn’t have time to do everything. I was quickly proven wrong. Before she got home she casually asked if I had done the extra things and when I hadn’t (not all anyway), she “suddenly” had to stay a little later. This happened a few times and I’m ashamed to admit it took me too long to understand what was happening. I was just glad she was updating me on her estimated arrival timr, she usually never did that.

Another thing she does for revenge (I feel like, could be my exhausted interpretation) is not prepare meals for the kids, or even leave money. When I go to the store she promises to pay me back but, you guessed it, tries to guilt me into saying she doesn’t have to pay. She’s also not kept her word about some things she’d promised, saying she doesn’t want to do things for me if I can’t help her with the boys. The excuses and backtracking on stuff start immediately if I don’t do exactly what she wants. The latest example: I asked to borrow a dress for a wedding because I didn’t want to buy one and we had always borrowed each other’s clothes, and she agreed. Four days before the wedding I couldn’t show up as fast as she wanted on a short notice so she said I could forget about borrowing the dress, she’d forgotten she’d need it herself. I had to panic buy one. Last month she promised to pick me up after leaving my car for some maintenance and she didn’t show up, I was stranded. Took her 2,5 hours to answer her phone and get there. She also had the audacity to huff and puff about how inconvenient it was she had to drive me.

Sorry this is so long, but it’s been mind blowing writing this all down and seeing what I’m putting up with, I’m such a doormat.

So yesterday I told her I couldn’t come today when she called “desperately needing” me to watch the boys for the evening, and when she started her tirade of me being selfish I kind of just snapped. I told her to shut up and listen. If she thought I was that horrible of a human and so selfish, she had two options. Either stop relying on me so much and letting her kids be exposed to my selfishness, or I’ll really start being selfish and will not watch them free of charge ever again, never do anything extra without being compensated. She hung up without saying anything.

After I had stopped shaking (I hate confrontation as you can imagine) I started to really panic as I feel like I just lost my last remaining family member. My fiance said it was long time coming and I should’ve stood up for myself ages ago, but he’s biased as he loves me. I don’t really have time for proper friends outside work colleagues so I don’t know who else to ask if I made the biggest mistake of my life? What if I don’t see my nephews again? What if I had just done it a bit longer and she’d eased a bit? AITA for telling her to choose between my options?

ETA: my two examples seem like I ask her or need her for stuff often, which I don’t. The promises she breaks can be just as simple as having food for the boys for when I’m with them. The dress and leaving me without a ride are just specific events that were easier to explain but I quickly realised it’s not accurate.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your sister is extremely irresponsible and selfish to the core. Is she receiving child support from the father of her children? If so, she should budget for day care and babysitting. If not, she should pursue legal action. Having kids is a full-time responsibility and she needs to accept this fact. NTA.

OOP: I don’t actually know that much about her finances, we don’t really talk I guess. I don’t particularly like her as a person. My nephews are the only thing that keep me going back in addition to the weird obligation I feel for the little family I have left.

Commenter 2: NTA. Stop taking her calls. Stand up for yourself. And if you think the boys are in a not great home (abuse, neglect, no food), call CPS.

OOP: I’m a mandated reporter due to my profession and I’ve been trying to distance myself from the situation to assess if I need to make the report but it’s always so subtle and she knows what to avoid doing and saying due to growing up with CPS.

Commenter 3: Where is the kids’ father? He should be involved.

OOP: I don’t actually know. She got irrationally angry I asked about him when she was pregnant and I left it at that.

Commenter 4: You know that not seeing your nephews again is NEVER going to happen. Your selfish sister has been taking advantage of you for too long, and to her, your standing up for yourself is just a temporary setback in her manipulations. The only way her behavior is going to change is when yours changes. You need to set some clear boundaries and follow them with solid expectations of how you expect her to treat you. For example, guilt tripping, name calling, accusations, etc. are to end . If she tries any of these manipulative tactics, there will be clear consequences. And you need to follow through. If you tell her you can’t babysit and she starts the guilt, you tell her something like no babysitting for a month because of her behavior. Altering your behavior is the only way you can change hers. Oh, and all those times she needs to comfort her “friend” with the dying mother—you realize those are just bs. She wants free from kids time and is just trying to play on your empathy. Your sister is a class A asshole!

OOP: Thank you. I feel so stupid, I only thought about the friend’s mom thing being bs like last week. I asked C how she was doing and she took a second too long to remember what I was talking about.

Commenter 5: What has your sister done for you in the last year? It sounds like you are a doormat. None of what you said sounds unreasonable. You need to put boundaries NOW or it will get worse. I imagine you want to start a family with your fiance at some point, you cannot keep this up. NTA

OOP: I’m not even wanting a family of my own, no pets nor kids. Regardless I want to live for myself. She has allowed me to see the boys, that’s mostly it. I couldn’t imagine not being in their lives.

Additional Information from OOP after reading comments

OOP: Thanks for all the replies, there’s been so many helpful ones already. I’ve tried to at least answer all questions. I just have to plan out the boundaries and then practice how to set them and maybe even write down answers for the rebuttals I know she’ll have. For those worried about my fiance, he’s a quiet, steady rock for me, he’s been somewhat enjoying his gaming time without me around so I hope he hasn’t suffered too much. I’ll focus on communicating with him better too. We’re getting married in summer of '26 so we’ll have to focus on us.

[Update](https://www.reddit.c…

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