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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-02-22 05:02:04+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/FrostyDepth
I’m [18F] a bit creeped out by a guy in my dorm[18M] and not sure how to handle him.
TRIGGER WARNING: obsessive behavior, stalking
Original Post Sept 9, 2018
I just recently started college. I was super nervous but excited about moving into the dorms and leaving home. My parents and brother came to help me move in and see me off. The dorm building looks amazing! It’s one of the newer ones near the campus so it’s a modern building and all the decor is fresh. It’s really beautiful.
Moving in went fine, few tears but it was okay. I was super excited to start a new chapter in my life. The rooms are single rooms, each has an en suite shower and toilet in it too so no having to share facilities. The kitchen is shared as is a common room area with a TV and sofas. It’s shared between 8 people and we found out it was 5 girls and 3 guys sharing those areas. I met everyone while moving in and everyone seemed friendly and just as nervous as me. There was one of the guys though who was very interested in me and another girl (both Asian) and began trying to impress us with the 5 words of Japanese he knows and all the anime/video game knowledge he has. I’m from the Bay Area and I’m not really all that knowledgeable about my heritage and what’s going on in Japan. Even my family in Japan we don’t really have any geeks for me to learn this stuff.
I brushed that off as it’s not really the first time it happened, my family moved when I was in high school and I went to somewhere that didn’t have many Asian students so some guys were interested in me based on my looks. So the other girl I’ll call her Trish for this and we’ll call the guy Chris the creep or just ‘Chris’ for short. I found out Trish has a boyfriend from high school and he comes to visit her and hangout since he goes to school not very far away. Chris also found this out as Trish told me he’d been talking to her in the common room and when her boyfriend visited he seemed to lose a lot of interest in her.
The other two guys I didn’t talk to much but they seem nice. They told everyone in the dorm about a party on another floor that they were inviting people in the dorm to. I talked to some of the other girls and Trish and everyone gets along which is something I was worried about before coming to college and hearing roommate horror stories. But on to my horror story…Chris also came to that party and pretty much followed me around all night. We spoke a little but he mostly just seemed to be walking around anywhere I was and watching me. After I left he walked with me and another girl back to the dorm. She wasn’t feeling well and I’d had enough so I said I’d walk back with her and he invited himself to help too. He pretty much ignored her and started asking me questions about boyfriends and if my parents will only let me date Asian boys. (what the fuck!?)
Anyway since the first week of moving in anytime I’m in the kitchen or common areas he’s there. The only time I get a break is when he has classes but I don’t think he goes to all of them and he’s talking about changing one of them to one of my classes. I made some other friends and I’ve been eating with them a lot recently, he’s even showing up in those areas we eat. You could argue it’s coincidence because it’s a popular spot for students to go but it feels like he’s been spying on me.
My room has a lock at least so he can’t come in here, not that he hasn’t tried. One time I went to the kitchen to get some snacks I had in the fridge that I could heat up and eat while doing some work. He was in the kitchen doing his work and he starts talking to me. I wait for my food to cook and just kinda talk to him a bit. Then he vanishes from the kitchen by the time I turn around and I go back to my room. He’s standing in there just looking around and complimenting my room. I got really angry and told him to leave and he just kinda laughs and leaves. One of the guys who also lives in the dorm saw it and asked if I’m okay. I just said it’s fine and locked my door.
The most recent thing is I started finding poems slid under my door. It’s obvious who it is and after I told Trish she and some other girls asked him and he denied it. After that happened I’ve had a new poem each day and they get progressively worse. He’s also recently been telling people that he told his parents about me and his dad said we’d make a nice couple and they said he has pictures of me on his phone I don’t know about. This person has no socialization skills and no concept of boundaries. Yesterday I had coffee with a guy from my classes as we were discussing some things we needed to read and where to get the books cheap. I guess Chris saw us as he was asking me who the guy was and I told him it’s none of his business. This seemed to make him mad as he left the common room and went to his room. I was told later he came out and was pacing in the hallway near my room. I’m supposed to meet the same guy again soon as he invited me out and he was nice enough to help me so I said I’d buy him lunch today.
I feel uncomfortable that Chris will be watching me again and I don’t feel comfortable when he’s around me in the dorm. I wonder if he’ll eventually get the message and go away or if this will continue and if he does keep following me around the dorm and asking me awkward questions, posting stuff under my door and so on what I should do about it.
He’s technically not violated any rules by being where I am and it’s also his kitchen and common area so I can’t make him leave or tell him when he can be there. I don’t think he should get away with this though.
tl;dr: Boy who has a thing for Asian girls in my dorm keeps hanging around in the kitchen and common room when me and another Asian girl are there. He started leaving her alone when he found out she has a boyfriend and focused on me. Is getting creepier posting poems under my door and denying it, asking questions about people I become friends with and randomly walking in my room when the door is unlocked. Not sure how to handle his creepyness since technically he has a right to hang out in the dorm when I’m there even if he bothers me by staring at me and only comes out his room when I’m around.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
0biterdicta
He’s definitely into you. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t broken any rules, he shouldn’t be making you feel uncomfortable in your own dorm. You should explicitly turn him down (Chris, I am not interested in dating you) and speak to your RA/CA/whatever your college calls it. Part of their job is to manage relationships between students. A record of his behavior and of you reporting it will be useful if it continues or escalates
OOP
I think there are definitely some things here I’l need to do. I’ve been talking to some friends for support and I’m planning to reach out to the RA about the situation. I don’t like the idea of him forcing me to move but I might request a dorm change if it comes to it. I’ll also ask them if they can give me some advice on approaching him and making things clear that I’m not interested.
It’s been hard to get that message across because he’s not tried asking me out he just follows me around and posts stuff under my door. Maybe it’s a problem they have dealt with before so they’ll understand. I’ve also decided to start writing down when stuff happens so I can inform the RA of times and dates.
I should make some proper statement to him that nothing will happen between us and I’m not comfortable with what he’s doing. He might just say I’m accusing him of stuff he’s not doing though like with the poems. I really don’t understand the guy. This isn’t a way to get somebody to like you, it’s done the opposite and make me dislike him a lot for being creepy and racist.
Update - rareddit Sept 13, 2018 (4 days later)
There were a lot of people who offered me advice and encouragement to deal with my problem and I want to thank those people first. Since there was interest I thought I’d provide an update to the situation now a few things have happened.
So as I spoke about in the comments in my last post I’d sent an email to the RA in my dorm explaining the issue and asking to speak with her. She got back to me quite quickly and asked if I could come see her and also asked to speak to Trish the other Asian girl he’d made some comments to and hassled along with a couple of witnesses, the guy who heard me yell at Chris when he entered my room without permission and one of the people who witnessed photos of me on his phone.
She took some of their statements down and chatted with us all then with me alone for a bit. I spoke about things he’s done like follow me and ask me questions about who I’m talking to and I bought some poems he slid under my door as evidence. We talked about what’s been happening,how I’m feeling and about boys and college in general. She shared some of her own bad experiences with persistent guys and showed concern over things that have happened between me and Chris and felt like i…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ivb3td/im_18f_a_bit_creeped_out_by_a_guy_in_my_dorm18m/
She took some of their statements down and chatted with us all then with me alone for a bit. I spoke about things he’s done like follow me and ask me questions about who I’m talking to and I bought some poems he slid under my door as evidence. We talked about what’s been happening,how I’m feeling and about boys and college in general. She shared some of her own bad experiences with persistent guys and showed concern over things that have happened between me and Chris and felt like it needs to be stopped now before things can possibly escalate further. She especially was concerned at some quite racist things he’s said and that he has pictures of me taken without permission. She said that it shouldn’t ever be tolerated on campus and that she’ll speak to her superior about our issues. I also talked about wanting to tell him how I don’t want his attention and that he makes me uncomfortable and asked for mediation and she said she’ll arrange it. She’s a nice person to talk to, I’d not spoken with this RA much but seen her around.
The RD spoke with her and he decided he would bring us both in to his office to try and resolve some issues. I was nervous but the RA I spoke to before would also be there and I felt reassured at least that she’s on my side. They asked me to speak first so I told him that I’m not interested in his advances and that his actions have made me feel intimidated and uncomfortable in my own home and around campus. He seemed all a bit naive and immature about the situation and acted like he couldn’t understand what he was doing was wrong but he did acknowledge that entering other people’s private rooms without permission was wrong and apologized.
When the subject of racism came up he said he didn’t think what he said was racist. The RD explained that he can’t say things like that and it’s against school policy to discriminate against other races or make them uncomfortable with those kind of comments and Chris finally apologized for those comments too. When he spoke he agreed to not pursue me anymore and to stop posting notes. He was asked to remove photos from my phone and did it there in the room. He took several photos of me around the dorm and was told it was warned about respecting privacy and about student safety. He again seemed to miss the point and not really understand what he did wrong. Chris mostly just kept asking if his parents would be informed of any of this if he agreed to leave me alone. He seemed kinda angry but he couldn’t really do anything with the RD in the room watching and all he could do was constantly ask that.
Anyway we concluded that he accepts I’m not interested in a relationship with him, he asked about being friends and I said I prefer we avoid each other as best we can and he eventually agreed to that too. He again apologized for making me uncomfortable and for making remarks that he shouldn’t have made along with other stuff he did like pictures and being nosy. We pretty much agreed that we’ll stay away from each other and that meeting ended. I didn’t feel great but at least I said what I wanted to say. They also addressed what I told them about him saying he wants to do a class I’m in. They asked if he’s applied to switch to that class yet and he said he hasn’t. They said if he does they’ll have a chat with them and make sure we are put in different classes. After the RA spoke to me again alone.
She gave me some leaflets she had and told me about a course I can take on campus to help girls with self confidence and dealing with bad situations at parties and stuff like that, and how to look after myself. Said if I’m worried about anything to call her on her number and we can talk. I felt a little better after that but still nervous about dealing with Chris who now felt wronged and probably like I told on him.
It turned out that after speaking with the RD alone he requested to move dorms. I was thinking of putting in a request but was told he’d already done so. I was not told of the reasons he gave but I’m assuming he decided he didn’t want to risk getting into more trouble. I was told that the RD and him made some agreements and it’s on record that he was warned about his behavior and he’s agreed to various things to improve and to have regular counselling to improve his behavior. He’s agreed to not approach me or do anything that can be seen as harassment or intimidation. Things like watching me, spreading rumors or trying to contact me directly or through others and stuff like that.
He can’t enter our floor of the dorm building after moving unless he’s accompanied by an RA or campus security. (latter is just in case he leaves and says some of his belongings are in the dorm. He can come in with an RA and collect them and will have to leave right after. They’ll be there to make sure he doesn’t use it as an excuse to cause trouble.
He’s not banned from the dorm building itself or visiting other people but if he’s seen loitering around outside without any reason to be there they might consider it harassment or intimidation.
He also agreed to not ever do anything like follow any students around, post notes,enter private rooms or make racist comments and so on.
If he breaks any of these agreements he’ll probably have some sort of discipline action taken and is being given a chance to behave himself. The RA said they’d prefer to not just punish students but work with them and hopefully he can have more positive relationships with other students.
I’m not 100% happy with him just being warned but at least he’s agreed to leave the dorm and the new building he’s in is about 15 minutes walk so no real reason why he’d need to come here since it’s out the way. Spent one last night in the same dorm and we both stayed in our rooms and avoided speaking. The found a space for him pretty quick and helped him move the next day and that was it. He didn’t come back to collect anything else and I’ve not seen him since he carried his stuff out the dorm yesterday. I hope he listens to the warning and sticks to what he said he’d stick to. I want to enjoy myself on campus again without worrying about what he might do. I didn’t see him as dangerous but you never really know. I hope this will be the end of the issue and I can move on from this very stupid person.
tl;dr: Met with RA and RD at my dorm, gave evidence against the guy and they mediated a meeting between us so I could explain how his actions affected me and explain I’m not interested in him. He eventually apologized even if he didn’t seem very genuine and also deleted photos of me. Later he requested to switch dorms and made an agreement with the RD to refrain from racist comments,leave me alone,not enter my dorm and not do anything to harass me or any other girls. Hoping that this will be the end of the situation as now he’s been officially warned that any other actions will lead to more serious consequences.
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