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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2025-04-04 04:35:38+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Original-Culture-701. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.
Mood Spoiler: communication helps
Original Post: March 26, 2025
I (29F) have been taking better care of my skin for the last 5 years. I have been using retinol, moisturizer and sunscreen for my face all year round and have been cleansing my face when I shower. The only person I have taken seriously online about skincare is a licensed dermatologist based in the US, I have been watching her youtube content here and there. I also visited an actual dermatologist 4 years ago and she confirmed I should use the exact same routine I am using already for my age at the time, so that is an extra confirmation the YT dermatologist probably knows what she’s talking about.
These past few months I have been a little worried about aging more than usual since I am turning 30 in a few months, so I ended up buying a face roller/massager, and a couple of days ago I also bought a red light device for my face. That and the roller are probably the only things I have not heard that a dermatologist recommends them but I haven’t looked that into it. I just know people that have used it and have seen actual results from it. When I opened the red light device package, my husband (33M) was near me and asked me what it is, so I explained to him, then he asked me how much it cost and I said 50 bucks. He then said, word for word, “sometimes I feel sorry for you”. I got very hurt by that statement but it was pretty late and he was working remotely and was very overwhelmed with work, so I thought I would bring it up another time.
Fast forward to today, we had an argument about it. I basically told him what he said really hurt my feelings and I thought it was a very mean thing to say to someone and he apologized but said he was sad for a while after he saw that I bought the red light device. He said he thinks I’m gorgeous and I don’t need that stuff, that the marketing of beauty products has worked well on me and that he doesn’t like to see me be a victim. He also added that he is worried about the fact that if I am spending that much money on beauty products now what am I gonna do when I am 40? I replied when we get there and even if that ever happens we can talk about it - he said it’s already happening. I was honestly getting pretty worked up at that point, even if some of his points were valid, the way he was going at it and the words he was using felt like an attack to me and like he had zero understanding about it. I was trying to explain to me him that yes it is true I am feeling insecure about aging but I am working on it already in therapy, there is not more I can say about it right now really, because it genuinely is something that’s in progress. Also I was trying to explain to him that skincare is making me feel good about myself. He said that he does understand and if he didn’t he would have said something all these years, I said that to me it sounds like he was just judging me in his head and kept it quiet all this time. He stormed out. He also mentioned he thinks I am obsessed with skincare, which I disagree.
So, AITA?
Some of OOP’s Comments:
Commenter: INFO: Are your purchases within a reasonable budget? Just checking this isn’t a financial issue. I love skin care and your routine doesn’t sound excessive to me. If you use retinol (hopefully only at night, right?) you need to wear sunscreen every day. And moisturizer is pretty normal, as is daily face washing. Is it possible your husband is concerned because maybe he’s sensing that you’re doing this out of a fear of aging or looking old, rather than it’s a nice self-care routine? Your line “what am I gonna do when I am 40? I replied when we get there and even if that ever happens we can talk about it” concerns me. Do you fear that aging means your life is nearly over?
OOP: Oh gosh no! I mean if we ever get to the point where I am spending an excessive amount of money then we can talk about it, so even if we get to that point at all.
I just did a rough estimate and it’s about 60 Canadian dollars a month for moisturizer, retinol and sunscreen
Commenter: Wait- that’s it? I’m around your age, and that’s pretty much what every woman I know does (I do vitamin C instead of retinol). That’s a very reasonable and actually minimalistic routine.
I was wondering if maybe your husband had a point, but now the whole speech seems a little self righteous.
That being said, as obnoxious of a thing to say as it is, I understand the “I feel sorry for you” comment. I’m often jealous of men. They don’t grow up with loved ones constantly commenting on their skin and hair and weight and clothing. They don’t freak out as much about aging because older men are not invisible the same way older women can be. Women are socialized to care so much about these things in a way men don’t, and sometimes it’s a burden.
But I’m still happy to use sunscreen and moisturizer and to have really nice soft skin. Frankly I think a lot of men like it too when they start- often when their wives share their products with them lol.
OOP: I 100% see your point. When he said “sometimes I feel sorry for you” it felt like a punch in the stomach but unfortunately I understood exactly why he said it and what he really meant. Here’s the thing though - saying “it makes me feel sad that you feel like you might need to do this” would have been a thousand times better, and the idea behind it isn’t that different. One is condescending, the other one isn’t.
OOP clarifies:
Yeah, I was worried I might be the asshole here because I got defensive
Commenter: […] you are worried MORE about aging, and that is NOT healthy. I’m telling you that’s not healthy. We all age the same, time passes at the same rate for everyone. You’re equating time passing, aging, with your skin health and that’s silly.
OOP: Yeah I don’t think it’s good for me either, I do think it will get better as I continue therapy though
Commenter: YTA. But it is sad to be that obsessed with aging in your twenties. You better have lots of $$$ because if this is what you are doing in your 20s I can’t imagine what you will be doing in your sixties.
OOP: The whole point of starting this early is so you don’t have to do excessive things later
Commenter: ive had eczema my whole life, and finally got it treated well enough to where I could develop a skincare routine, and one thing I’m not seeing anyone in the comments saying is how good it feels to have nice, smooth, soft skin. skincare is a very rewarding pursuit, it is therapeutic and routines of any kind are important for mental health and well being. You’re not just taking care of your skin, you’re practicing self-love.
OOP: That is exactly how it feels, also after a stressful day it relaxes me so much to just take care of me in that way.
Top Comment:
nuttyroseamaranth: I don’t know. You seem very very defensive about your purchases. I can see why he might be sad.
You’re not even 30 why are you so concerned with aging already? What exactly are you so afraid of? Maybe it’s just my perspective here but some of the most beautiful women that I look up to are wrinkled and more beautiful for it. Betty White, Meryl Streep, Katherine Hepburn, Dame Maggie Smith, Jenny Agutter, Miriam margulies ( I never can seem to spell her name right).
It’s good to take care of your skin, if it makes you feel good in some way, that’s not bad.
But why are you concerned about aging at not even 30?
The average lifespan of a human woman is 80 years old. That means you aren’t even halfway through. If you are already terrified of wrinkling and aging before you’re even 30, your husband is right to be concerned at how much more fear you’re going to be living with by the time you actually see real wrinkles.
There’s really not much you can do to avoid the appearance of aging as you age. If you want to see how much you’ll really age, look at your mother and your grandmother. If you wear sunscreen more regularly than they do, you’ll age more slowly than they have, and get less sunspots than your grandmother probably has, but otherwise they are your future and you can’t avoid them. The only thing that you can really do is try to make it confused with more left lines than scowl lines. Which doesn’t mean to avoid sadness it means to court things that bring you Joy and make you feel accomplished.
OOP: (downvoted) I honestly grew up in a patriarchal country. Even though I’m in Canada now, I did feel like OTHER PEOPLE, NOT ME, after a certain age believe women expire and that they are generally defined by their looks, I think that is a pretty big reason I’m worried because as much as I disagree my reptile brain still thinks I need to forever look young 😂
Edit: please don’t come for me, I think people downvote me because they think I also have those beliefs. Once again, I DO NOT.
One more from OOP:
I do not believe that wom…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1jr3k7n/aita_for_arguing_with_my_husband_about_my/
One more from OOP:
I do not believe that women rot when they turn 30, I think my main worry is other people might treat me differently because they believe that, which I have overcome to an extent but still is scary
OOP’s post is voted Not Enough Info
Update Post: March 28, 2025 (2 days later)
So, I talked with my husband yesterday. The issue got resolved pretty quickly, we both apologized and shared our feelings and that was it. I admitted the last two purchases I did were impulsive and I definitely don’t need them (not that I need the other creams I use besides SPF but that’s another conversation), and he admitted he could have phrased his concerns in a kinder manner and he sees how they can come off condescending even if that wasn’t his intention. I also mentioned I did a Reddit post about this and we were able to laugh about it!
Some comments got me thinking though. A few women said I am perpetuating misogynistic beliefs and it can affect negatively other women, and the fact that I am using creams proves it, I am still on the fence about this because 4/6 of the things I use are dermatologist recommendendations for my age group, but I do admit there is some residual trauma there from growing up in a misogynistic environment which I am working hard to get rid of 100%.
To those of you who were kind and still expressed your honest opinion, thank you! Appreciate y’all.
Off to use my new red light device. /s
Cheers!
Some of OOP’s Comments:
Top Comment:
Wandering-me-123: I think it’s fine to want to look a certain way, as long as it’s for you, you don’t expect others to do it, and your nice to yourself as you age or your skin changes.
In my 30s, I’ve developed a manageable skin care routine, but I find it fun to try new products. I have a budget that applies to this spending (and other personal spending), and it makes me happy! I share tips with friends. I follow and watch dermatologist on IG. I don’t impose this on others or expect myself or ppl around me to never age or change.
All to say, I think there’s a difference between perpetuating misogynistic beliefs, and wanting to feel good
OOP: 100% agree
OOP clarifies:
Just to be absolutely clear, I prioritized advice from a dermatologist I met with and got advice from, Dr Drays channel is something I look more casually
Commenter: If you’re worrying about aging at 30, wait until you’re almost 50! Honestly it hit me hard and kind of overnight. Not just from looking at my own aging face (I’ve always looked younger than my age) but at other women and men in my age range. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of your skin, especially with what is on offer now. It’s no different to a healthy diet and exercise. Your skin is an organ that needs to be taken care of so you don’t end up later in life with skin like a ball sack. And women need to stop tearing down other women, we have enough shit to deal with without getting it from each other 🙄
OOP: There is something really beautiful my therapist told me: “there is some grief in aging, and that’s okay. People that go through medical procedures to look young forever, never get to process that grief.” And it was such a lightbulb moment. I think I am in that phase, of still processing that grief, and doing everything in my power to embrace this new part of my life, even if it’s just entering my 30s for now.
I do feel an odd guilt for not moisturizing, like I’m failing at some womanly responsibility. I feel like me and the op are in the same boat - dealing with some uncomfortable residue of misogyny we’re struggling to wash off.
But her routine still sounds reasonable, and she enjoys it, and I slap on sunscreen for my health, and continue to not put on my despised moisturizer, so we’re both just doing our human best about it.
Feels like brushing teeth. Just got to do to avoid worst fate later. Sigh.
