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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Kandace180 on 2023-09-01 06:36:57.

I’ve decided to write on this sub because I don’t want men being like “MaYbe YoU’rE ThE pRobLem” sort of replies and having my feelings diminished.

So I’m about to turn 30 this year and it’s safe to say that I’ve spent most of my 20s wasting my time with men who weren’t worth it. Between verbal, mental, financial and almost physical abuse and all sort of disturbing behaviour from men, I’ve decided to quit dating for undetermined period of time.

Of course I’ve had good times with men, but it would be one night stands, casual things or if it was a relationship, the good times would be accompanied by a set amount of negative things like not listening to me, not respecting me or just overall us being incompatible etc. I have been treated SO badly by men who supposedly “liked” me or “loved me”.

I have been in extensive therapy this past 12 months and the amount of growth I’ve had is immense. I have learned to love myself so much and become to in love with who I am, what I have to offer, my likes and flaws, that it’s painful to accept I’ve allowed to be treated so poorly in turn of male validation in the past.

I’ve come to realize that maybe there is no actual man who will live up to my standards and treat me the way I want to be treated.

I’ve always found that when a guy prioritized me, respected me and listened to me I’d be super enamoured by them. Now that I’ve taken a step back, I’ve realized two things: how low my standards were for men and how much it’s scarce to find someone who will do more than the bare minimum that the bare minimum made me put them on a pedestal.

But here’s the thing: I find myself to be REPULSED by men. The thought of having sex with a guy gives me nausea and even when I see an attractive guy the second thought after “wow, he’s hot” is: he’s probably an ass because he knows he’s attractive. Every single thought I have about men lead me to a bad negative place. That isn’t to say that I’m always attracted physically to guys who don’t even look at me and never attracted to the ones that are and it just has gotten old that I can’t find a single man I’m attracted to that likes me. I don’t and won’t settle for someone I don’t feel the urge to rip their clothes off.

I do know there a good men out there, my dad is one of the few examples, but I don’t think the risk of opening my doors to someone who could or could not potentially be good is worth it.

This isn’t a sexuality thing though, I’m attracted to women as well and I’m not gay. But rather more of a connection between men and abuse that I just no longer can see myself in a relationship. Life has been peaceful without a man in my life, it’s been nice without having someone play the boyfriend role only to turn around after a few months and make you act like you’re crazy for bringing up the “what are we talk”, there’s no man to tell me I’m not good enough, that they want to see what’s out there still, there’s no man to not appreciate my value, my effort and my love. There’s no man to tell me what to wear and diminish me for my hobbies and likes. There’s no man to love bomb me and then treat me like shit to make me earn their love back. There’s no sociopaths that thrive on hurting women as a hobby.

I have friends that treat me well, that cheer me up, that support me and are there for me on good and bad times. I have friends who listen to me and who want to spend time with me and share moments together. The only thing that my friends can’t give me is physical affection and intimacy and romance feelings, but apart from that, my friendships fulfil almost all of my social needs.

I don’t know if this feeling will pass, but I feel like this is something that I feel a bit uncomfortable with this situation as I’m not sure how to navigate dating from now on.