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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-10-31 04:09:22+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrozoneAway
AITA for “turning” my SIL gay?
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole
TRIGGER WARNING: homophobia, accusations of infidelity
Original Post July 5, 2020
throwaway. i’ll keep this short. i’m a 30f (and a lesbian, been out and proud since 05) i’ve been living with my brother/SIL since the start of 2019. a year before quarantine happened. but this drama stuff blew up within the last couple weeks.
ok so i asked to move in to bro/SILs place for a while so i could save up for a nicer place (my last apt was in a shit area and i didn’t feel safe). they agreed cuz they knew how dangerous my place was and bro thought it would be a good idea for SIL to have someone around while he was gone. (fyi he’s a truck driver and is gone for like over a week at a time and had to leave SIL home alone)
alright well their house isn’t a mansion but it’s roomy enough to where i could have my then FWBs over on some nights a week without worrying that i’d be disturbing SIL (their bedroom is like across the house from my room/guest room) and i asked if it was cool with both beforehand and they said as long as i and anyone i brought over was quiet and respectful it’d be okay. so i would regularly bring over FWBs/gfs if i was dating at the time. but that all stopped once quarantine happened.
well bro and i still have our jobs. SIL and i have been hanging out more (since we’re pretty much the only company we get) but i noticed she’d been acting odd for a month or so into the quarantine. but i figured it was just cabin fever jitters, understandable. but then the last few times bro came home things between him and SIL was a little off. i figured they were having a spat and it didn’t involve me.
well apparently it did because bro came home a couple days ago and things were still tense, i didn’t even eat dinner with them, i just ate in my room. but after dinner i heard yelling from the other side of the house but before i could get up to check it out i heard stomping feet then bro bust into my room and started cussing me out and saying i “ruined his marriage” and SIL was yelling at him to stop and it “wasn’t her fault”. i’m just so confused. i ofc ask what the hell is even happening.
i don’t think i have enough space to type out the gritty of the convo but apparently SIL is/was a closeted lesbian. and she came out to bro after dinner. she explained it that seeing me be so happy and out made it hard for her to “keep up the lie”. i’m still speechless because i had no clue she was anything but straight. i’m not saying ‘gaydar’ is real but usually i’ll at least get a ‘vibe’.
but then bro says i’m an “evil asshole” and i “turned his wife gay” and how he never should have let me move in. SIL told him to stop, how she would have come out eventually, with or without me there. i felt really awkward and bro said i need to be gone by the time he returns from his next trip. which was heartbreaking, because he really looked like he hated my guts. i feel like such an a-hole. SIL and bro always seemed so happy, like the perfect couple. but i called my friend and she said i’m not the a-hole. i’m just tired and unsure. AITA?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
ChiboxNZ
NAH
You didn’t turn her gay, she realized she wasn’t straight, she told your bro.
If anything, SIL was an AH for potentially stringing your bro along if she didn’t have feelings for him, but maybe she thought she could “cure” her gayness…
Super unpleasant for all parties involved, but no-one is actually really bad here
OOP
SIL said she didn’t think she was gay til about 3 years ago (they got married about 7 years previous) and she was too scared to acknowledge it because of the way her shitty parents raised her on top of the fact she had been married to my bro for nearly 4 years by then. she said she mostly kept silent because saying anything would have hurt my bro. and despite everything she said she cares about him a lot.
nickkkmn
I really don’t understand how this works so help me out here . SIL is an adult woman that married your brother . I presume that she had sexual urges her whole adult life , and those apparently didn’t include men . Therefore , at no point did she feel any sexual attraction to your brother . Why did she marry him then in the first place ?
OOP
i had to ask her this (because at the end of the day i dont know what it’s like to marry someone you’re not attracted to) and she said that she’s only recently understood that the ‘strong platonic love’ she felt for the women friends in her life was actually romantic/sexual attraction. she grew up in a very staunchly religious home with very homophobic parents who condemned everything not traditional/heterosexual. apparently her mother and father openly hated each other and treated her and her siblings even worse. so she grew up with the mindset that her marriage would follow the same tone. so she dated men, felt nothing for them and the sex was uneventful, but it was Expected. so no red flags there. and when she met my brother they really hit it off, and she assumed that That was her in love! she and my bro had the same hobbies, they liked the same music and just generally synced up perfectly! she said the bedroom stuff was still uneventful but again, she’d seen the women she grew up around all look unhappy so that must be normal. She mistook her close platonic love for my brother as romantic love so, they got married.
~
Kelliisbelli
NTA: If anything your brother is. I understand that he’s hurt but he’s taking his hurt as an opportunity to be homophobic. Anyone who’s truly an allly wouldn’t say that because they understand that “turning someone gay” is impossible. Even if it’s hard he should’ve understood that his wife has always been a lesbian and thet it would’ve come out eventually or she would’ve lived miserably and that she’s probably still his friend (she did marry him after all) he owes you an apology as far as I’m concerned.
OOP
I’m trying to keep that in mind. he’s hurting but he and I will talk when he’s back and had time to think. and yeah SIL said she does love him in a way, just not a way he wants. and she wishes she could love him how he wants. she said she married him cuz she cares about him and she thought that’s just how getting married was supposed to be.
~
cantnothurtmyself
NTA but perhaps you should distance yourself for a bit. He’s reacting with anger to this breakup and misdirecting it at you. Hopefully it doesn’t take too long for him to see you had nothing to do with it.
OOP
well i’m in the process of moving out. he made it clear i’m not going to be welcome when he gets home so… hopefully that will help.
VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE
OOP Updated Aug 26, 2020 (nearly 2 months later)/Same Post
EDIT/UPDATE?: hey guys sorry for the dead silence. uh, well i moved out. got my new place and it’s pretty nice. it’s weird not having anyone here when i get back from work but i’m sure that’s just cuz i’ve been living at bro’s place so long. but i know you all just wanna hear about bro/sil and not my new place so…
bro and sil are definitely getting divorced. i moved out before he got back, just like he wanted. before i did though bro called me and we talked on the phone while he was off the clock. like a LOT of you predicted he asked if sil and i slept together at any point. i’m not proud but i sorta flipped my shit on him for that. he KNOWS my dating history, he knows how i feel about cheaters. i told him it hurt to know he thinks i’m no better than my cheating ex. that i cared so little about our bro/sis relationship that i’d actually fuck his wife (who i reiterated that i only see as a sister, but even if i DIDN’T i’d still never cheat).
he broke down you guys. full on ugly cried on the phone. it was awkward but i think he really needed it. he apologized, for everything. going ballistic on me, kicking me out during a pandemic, thinking i’d cheat with anyone. everything. i told him thanks but i need time to forgive him. the hurt’s not gonna disappear just cuz he said sorry, but it helped soothe it. and i said i still love him.
he said i didn’t have to move out but i said i was already in the process of getting my new place, so it was fine. i could tell he felt bad still but i didn’t try to placate him. some of you said i shouldn’t have to. i shouldn’t say ‘it’s okay’ because it’s not. how he treated me isn’t okay.
but he told me he and sil were definitely splitting up. i told him i figured so… what with everything. no counseling can save a marriage where one partner is gay… but i didn’t say that. just that i thought so. he tried to lighten the mood by saying he asked sil about the cheating thing first and she flipped her shit on him even worse than i did. he said it jokey but i can tell he was serious. i asked what she said and he sorta sounded awkward but said she told him,
“I found out I was gay, but that doesn’t mean I’m some cheating whore!”
that and just how he was gros…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1okl0ie/aita_for_turning_my_sil_gay/
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I read another story where the spouse was also trying to come to terms with sexuallity while with husband. She ended up staying because she still loved him in the end.
If i was brother is be asking if she’s bi. Literally first thing ill ask given the circumstances then maybe leverage that to save what im assuming is a good marriage. If she is 1000% sure she cant be with her husband given their history then its over.
that and just how he was gross for thinking she’s screw some kid (pft thanks for that) let alone her husband’s kid sister that she’s known since said kid was a minor. also that it was messed up that he just automatically assumed she would hop on the first gay woman in her vicinity when they were still very much married. and it was just all around not received well by sil… which i can understand. being accused of cheating by people you love fucking hurts.
last i checked things were…civil between bro and sil. she moved fully into the other bedroom so she and he could have space i guess for when he was home. sil is trying to move their divorce along but from what i’ve heard bro is sorta dragging his feet. idk what’s going on there and i haven’t asked. not my business tbh.
our family is disappointed that they’re splitting but with the circumstances they understand it’s necessary. i talk to bro a few times a week, just texting but i told him about how there’s support groups for spouses whose partner came out as gay and he should check them out. it would help him through this. he sounded hesitant but said he’d look into it so that’s good. i don’t know if he will but i hope so.
i also pointed sil in the direction of some threads for people who realized they were gay while in a straight relationship. she was thankful.
and that’s about it. i still speak to sil, i’d feel like shit just cutting her off like some people suggested. she’s like my big sister. i’ve known her for years. and aside from this she’s been nothing but the best wife/sil ever. so. idk we’re all moving forward. sorry nothing super dramatic happened but at least it wasn’t a sad update.
peace everyone, thanks for helping me work this crap out. <3
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