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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-11-08 05:12:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/cuentatb

My (22F) boyfriend (26M) broke up with me and he told her friend that it was because I’m an immigrant

TRIGGER WARNING: Racism, classism, misogyny, bullying

Original Post - rareddit June 9, 2020

So I’m an immigrant living in a Scandinavian country. I’m really trying to not give more information than what’s necessary.

Me and my ex had been together for almost a year. I was supposed to be living in this country for a year and a half. But I really like it in here and I got an interesting job offer. And also I was so in love with my boyfriend that I was even considering to stay in here before I got this job offer. This job offer was just another reason. I brought up the subject with my boyfriend, the possibility of me staying. And soon after he broke up with me. He told me that he isn’t sure about the relationship and that he doesn’t want me staying here for him and then breaking up and regretting my decision. And then said that I’m a wonderful person and that he is so lucky to be with me but he isn’t sure. I didn’t understand anything to be honest. And I’m not sure if I should stay or not because he was the main reason why I wanted to stay. Soon they will open the borders after quarantine and I just don’t know what to do.

But that’s not the point. The thing is that while I was packing my stuff from his house I saw a notification in his phone saying something like “at least you have her out of the way” It was from a friend. And I know I shouldn’t have looked trough his phone but I did.

After reading the conversation with this person I realized that he never took me seriously. Apparently he would never have a serious relationship with an immigrant from a different culture (outside of Europe). And that he expected for me to break up with him after a year because I would want to go back to my country. He said that the sex was great and that I was easy to impress. And he even said that at some point he felt bad for me because I seemed so in love with him but like what was he supposed to do, be with me? Like they talked about this like it was impossible for him, an European white guy, date with me. But that now he’s happy everything is ended and he actually feels relieved because this was going on for too long.

I didn’t say anything to him. I just left his keys on the table and left. I went back to my own place which I share with two people. One of them is a close friend but I don’t want to explain anything because I genuinely feel ashamed of how dumb I was. Like I always felt like he is as way out of my league and I guess I was right? I don’t think he’s racist but I just don’t know what to think.

Should I tell him something? I really want him to explain everything. I am not sure why but I want to hear him recognize what he did. Is this bad idea? Right now I’m a mess and I’m not sure how to feel about anything.

TL;DR my ex has been dating with me for almost a year. He expected me to break up with him because I was supposed to move back in my country after a year and a half. When I told him maybe I should stay he broke up with me and now I know it was because I am an immigrant and he never took me seriously.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

CermaitLaphroaig

You were not dumb! You thought that the person you loved, and claimed to love you, was a good person! It’s not your fault he was an ignorant racist. Oh, and trust me, he is absolutely a racist. Like, by definition. Being racist doesn’t only mean you shout slurs, it means you think, say, and do racist things. Which he obviously has done.

As to contacting him… god, I understand the impulse. But really think about whether telling a racist he’s racist is worth your time, given how emotional you feel. Nothing he could say will make you feel better. But oh, I really understand it.

OOP

I’m not sure I want to tell him anything but rather I want to see what would he tell me

fermat1432

What could he tell you that would make you feel better?

OOP

Probably nothing but I would rather get closure. I don’t know I just feel like I can’t ignore him and pretend I never read that conversation because does it really mean nothing for him? That’s what I can’t stop thinking about

~

linniet

As a person who is from Scandinavia, who married an outsider, I can confirm that it’s the culture in Scandinavia to not respect other cultures. I have experienced family, friends and strangers say racist things to my husband. It’s not your fault at all. He is not out of your league, you are out of his. He used you, and you are not to blame. I would not talk to him again, because you might not get the recognition of his wrong doing. It’s somewhat an arrogant culture at times, and he might never see what he did as wrong. What you can focus on is healing yourself. This is a very painful breakup, because you might feel like something is wrong with you, when there is something wrong with him. I’m so sorry about how he treated you, and it was not your fault.

OOP

The reason why I feel like it’s my fault is because how could I fall for all his lies during a year? And not only believing him but like caring so much about him and our relationship. I don’t know I feel like I’m too naive.

Also I didn’t hear people saying racist stuff to me except two times so I’m not sure what to think. Other than that people were respectful. That’s why I had such a good time there I guess, until now.

linniet

You are not naive, you are a person who thought you could trust someone. You can’t control your feelings, and he took advantage of your emotions and the freedom that you would eventually leave. That’s not on you. You can’t read people’s mind, nor should you expect yourself to. It’s a terrible thing he did, and you’re allowed to feel pain and hurt from it.

TOP COMMENTS

DFahnz

How exactly would it serve your life in a positive way to re-invite this asshole into it?

tfresca

Yep. Closure is an illusion. This dude will either lie or say hurtful shit. Either way you get nothing out of it. Just know that racism and clasism is alive and well and move on.

Edit: I am reading the answers here but I don’t think I can put into words how caring and loving he was. And how he treated me and how much I loved him. That’s why it’s so hard for me to just accept that he was just waiting until I would leave and not taking our relationship seriously. But it all makes sense: from him breaking up with me soon after telling him that maybe I could stay to the texts he send this friend.

Update - rareddit July 20, 2020 (5 weeks later)

I left the country and went back to France. By the way I’m not French. I mean yes because I was born in there and lived my whole life there but like my mom is from Senegal and my dad is from Algeria. I’m giving a lot more of details this time. Last time I was afraid some of his friends who also use Reddit would see my last post and recognize me. But now I don’t care. And he is from Denmark by the way. I really hope they friends see this. I don’t know. I just don’t care.

So what happened: I was trying to decide if I wanted that job or not. I decided to not take it. I don’t know I feel like the main reason why I wanted to stay was for him. And I felt like taking the job just to prove myself that I’m over him or whatever was a bad idea.

Also I wasn’t leaving much behind in Denmark. I didn’t really have that many friends. And turns out my two roommates knew about this. Like the friend my ex was texting told them. And at this point I wasn’t sure who to trust so I spend hours calling my friends back in France. And I don’t know I just realized how much I missed them so I decided to leave. And I am not sure what to think about all of this.

My ex said I was easy to impress. And maybe I am. Maybe what he did was the bare minimum for his cultural standards. But I don’t care. We had fun. I don’t really need people to spend a lot of money on me to show they care. Is that being easy to impress? I’m already in France and I am not going to lie, I’m not over him yet.

But I will be soon. And that’s all that matter. I realized that the problem is not me. It’s him. I don’t understand how someone would spend and waste so much time in a lie. But whatever. I’ll get over it soon. And by the way, I didn’t tell him anything. I was thinking that maybe I should send him a message or something once I was in France. But everyone is telling me it’s a bad idea. Maybe eventually I’ll ask him why he did it. But not now.

TL;DR I moved back to my country. I didn’t ask him anything. And I think I’ll be over him soon. I also think I have no problem. The problem is him.

Edit: thank…

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