This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-28 06:00:50.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Julie_Beans_. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.
Mood Spoiler: happy ending
Original Post: November 18, 2023
My children take very good care of their toys and possessions. As it’s nearing Christmas they have chosen old toys to donate, to keep and some that they weren’t quite ready to get rid of yet. My in-laws don’t have many toys at their home and have said they needed to get more for their toy closet for all the grandkids.
My eldest suggested that they bring the toys to their grandparents for the toy closet, this way they could still play with them, and see them when they wanted, and bonus all their cousins could play with them too!
My in-laws were excited and thanked them for donating to the toy closet. The first time we saw the kids cousins they were excited to show them the toys and they all had fun playing together. Cut to a couple months later when we stopped over and they were all gone. My kids asked grandma and grandpa what happened and they weren’t sure. They texted my sister in law and she said “sorry, they were really nice and my kids liked them so we decided to bring them all home with us.”
My mother in law asked if they were bringing them back for their toy closet and she wrote back and simply said “no.”
My kids are kind of hurt as they weren’t ready to give them up yet, and they wanted to be able to share and play at their grandparents house… So 1. Would I be an asshole if I wrote and asked sister in law to please bring the community toys back?
For additional info: my in-laws are afraid to anger SIL because she is very easy to hold a grudge, so this convo would fall on myself and/or my husband who also feels the same way. He actually suggested we ask on here “we might be the assholes if we do this, let’s ask Reddit first”. Also their kids have plenty of toys at home so it’s not like they don’t have anything to play with. Also, there are multiple families who come to their home with kids, not just our family and this particular brother in laws family. My husband has 4 other siblings with kids.
Relevant Comments:
Did your in-laws tell your SIL she could take the toys?
"My in-laws didn’t tell her she could take them. They didn’t even know they were gone as she must have snuck them out of their house.
They asked if she took them, then asked if she was bringing them back, she said “no.” And they are afraid to anger her by asking for them back."
It sort of comes down to- did you GIVE the toys to the grandparents or STORE them there?
"We never really had that specific of a discussion about it. But I take it as we gave the toys to the grandparents to put in the toy closet. My children were not expecting the toys to ever come back to our house.
We had donated other toys to local non profits, but these they didn’t want to give up completely so they donated them to grandparents toy closet.
This is why I’m so torn, because they technically did give them away as I see it."
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: November 21, 2023
I have to say that I was surprised at the number of people who said I was not the asshole. It really made us feel better and thank you guys for giving us advice on what to do next.
We spoke to my mother and father in law, and husband told them he didn’t like that they were too afraid to say anything. Mother in law said that she was afraid since sister in law is very quick to go no contact with people. She seems to get sick of people in her life easily and cuts them out when she gets offended. Mother in law is afraid to not see her grandchildren. I get the fear, but it’s still not right. I asked them if they at all offered, even inadvertently, for her kids to take the toys we left. They said definitely not. I believe them.
My husband called my brother in law and said (thanks to those who suggested this) “Hey! We were just over at mom and dads and there seems to have been some confusion. Our kiddos left some toys there to store and for all the grandkids to share and I think your wife thought we wanted to get rid of them. Total miscommunication, sorry about that. We’re headed to the area and can swing by now to grab them!”
Brother in law said that was fine and he didn’t even know they had them. So we swung by, he found them and helped us pack them all in the trunk. Sister in law was getting ready and came out as we were packing up. Her face got red, and she turned around and went back in the house. We stood out for awhile talking to brother in law until he checked his phone. He said he had to get inside and he went in to talk to his wife. We could hear through the walls that she was yelling and crying.
After 10 minutes of extremely awkward looks between my husband and I, we texted him that we were going to head out and he came back out looking upset. He said his wife was crying inside and that she kept trying to go back and forth with why she had the toys and he was confused. We just played dumb and said that our kids couldn’t find the toys we left when we went back and we’re told that you guys had possibly “accidentally” taken them. He said he was sorry and we said our goodbyes and left.
Sister in law has since been posting about how family isn’t blood and how she doesn’t know who to trust anymore. I’m sure it will blow over one day.
We also spoke with our children about how kind they were to want to share with their cousins. That we are a kind and giving family but that doesn’t mean that we let people take advantage of our kindness. That we understood that these were given to stay at Grandma and Grandpas and how upsetting it was that they weren’t there, but that it was maybe a misunderstanding and mom and dad got them back now. I think they are too young now but one day they will realize how their Aunt is. Thank you all for suggesting that we stand up for our kids.
My husband and I thank you for all the advice. Hope you all have a good holiday.
Relevant Comments:
Why would a grown woman cry over this?
“I think she was more upset about being caught? It’s not like they were crazy expensive or hard to find. We didn’t ask why she was crying and yelling, and she hasn’t messaged us at all.”
Is SIL usually entitled?
“She can be very narcissistic. I usually stay out of it but this time it just hit too close to home, and we could prove she did it. Usually she is more sneaky and it hasn’t involved my family directly like this before.”
Could it be a money issue?
“I don’t think so. But then again you never know another persons budget. Somebody can walk around with their nails done, a new purse, and Starbucks and that could have been a gift from their mom, a gift card from work, and so on. Ya know? I know they aren’t rich, none of us are, but I don’t think they are struggling.”
It’s not worth it to press the issue anymore:
“Yeah we’re basically going to “play dumb.” I think that is the best way to handle it and give her a little bit of shame.”
Maybe buy her kids duplicates for Chirstmas?
“This isn’t a bad idea. I wouldn’t buy all of them but maybe a version of one of the play sets. I’d be afraid that buying the same exact one would be viewed as passive aggressive. So one of the items was a bunch of hot wheels playsets. I could totally gift them a bunch of cars and a different playset.”
Best way to play it. Could not have been better.