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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Effective_Ad9651 on 2023-07-30 06:42:43.
Original Title: AITA? My wife and I got into a huge fight over a budget on the way to back-to-school shopping at the local mall. She insisted we needed to adhere to a strict budget, I said we should get whatever the kids need/were drawn to. She hopped out of the car and walked home. I went shopping for 7 hours.
I am the breadwinner for our family and my wife stays at home. She is a few years older than me and I have always struggled with feeling like I report to her. She denies it strongly, but I still feel that there is a power imbalance that she benefits from (even after 15 years of marriage). We’ve done well over the years and have a net worth of $2m+. I have a great job and we make $300k+/yr. My wife is very frugal and not only doesn’t like spending money herself, but shames/pressures me when I do. She grew up in a poor family and spending doesn’t come easy for her. Not the worst problem to have in a spouse, I know! But hear me out.
We were heading to a large local mall with all of our kids to do school shopping when the topic of a budget came up. She was insisting that the budget for each kid should be $100. I suggested that we should be more flexible and get what the kids need + what the kids might want/be excited by. “Why am I working as hard as I do if I can’t spend the money on my kids from time to time?”
We do not spoil our kids and back-to-school is pretty much the only time we get new stuff for our kids. She then changed tactics and claimed that it was her that does laundry and the kids already have enough clothes, so I would have to do the additional laundry that would inevitably come with more clothes. I dug in and said that since I am the breadwinner, and make all of the money, I should have the right to spend it on my kids how I see fit. I have never once in our entire marriage tried to control or restrict how she spends money, but she does it to me all the time. She snapped and said “fine, you can just go with the kids then and spend to your heart’s content. I don’t want to have anything to do with it.” and got out of the car at the next stop sign.
I begged her to get back in. I turned around the car and gave her several opportunities to get back in and I offered to give her a ride. She refused and literally walked 6 miles back home alone. I was quite shocked that she would do that but proceeded to the mall where I spent seven hours shopping with the kids getting lots of great stuff for school. I definitely didn’t go overboard and spend like I was a celebrity, but we focused on getting what the kids needed with a healthy amount of things they wanted as well. AITA for digging in and insisting on spending however much was needed on my kids?
EDIT: I appreciate all of the comments and perspectives so far. One theme that keeps recurring is how we had this discussion in front of our kids. It is true that they saw the result of the argument and my wife getting out of the vehicle, but we have a large passenger van, the AC was blasting, and they were mostly in the back and it is unlikely that they heard much of the conversation. Not defending how it went down, just wanted to clarify that at least it wasn’t in a quiet and cramped sedan where every word was heard.
Wife grew up as a child in a poor family, and absorbed that “I deserve to be poor” subconscious belief.
Now, being in a family with lots of money that she doesn’t earn has resulted in her unconscious belief staying un-changed.
There are two ways to change that unconscious belief of “I deserve to be poor”. One way to change it is therapy and finding out exactly where it comes from and processing the childhood feelings through the adult mind. The other way to change it is by earning the money herself.
She’s trapped because she’s a SAHM so she doesn’t get the opportunity to “climb Mount Wealth”. The work of earning the money would allow her to shift that unconscious belief, because working involves processing a lot of “energy” psychologically. Having to operate outside your motivational valley - is working - can reprogram your subconscious.
So her options to escape this are: (a) get a job and earn money for years or decades to change the belief by brute force, or (b) find a very good therapist she really trusts and achieve that therapeutic breakthrough.