This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-05-02 06:01:04.
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Ill-Month2435, account now suspended
Originally posted to r/AmITheAsshole + r/relationship_advice + r/OffMyChest + their own page
Previous BoRU originally posted by u/danuhorus
Editor’s Note: the previous BoRU had a different title. Shifting this back to the original title for easy searching
[New Update]: My (28M) girlfriend (25F) didn’t tell me that she had kids and I’m really angry about it.
Trigger Warnings: child murders, attempted murder, rape, domestic violence, forced birth, imprisonment, misogyny, verbal abuse
Mood Spoilers: enraging!
RECAP
Original Post: Relationship Advice (rareddit) and AITA (rareddit) - November 8, 2022
I am 28M and my girlfriend Kat is 25F, we’ve been together for a little over 2 years. Our relationship has been pretty awesome, she really lights up my life and I adore her.
Yesterday I was helping Kat move to her new house, everything was normal until the bottom of the box that I was carrying up to her room fell through and it all ended up on the floor. Everything that was in the box was ok except this small wooden/wicker box that split a little bit around the hinges for the lid.
Because of the way that the little box split a photo had slid out, I opened the lid so that I could put the photo back in. I wasn’t trying to snoop at all but I decided to look at some of the photos, it was a lot of family and pets and friends from different places and life stages, a memories type of thing. Then I came across a few photos of Kat in a hospital bed holding 2 newborn babies followed by more pictures of the babies. I kind of froze and my stomach twisted.
Kat walked into the room and saw me sitting on the floor with the baby pictures and she looked horrified. We didn’t say anything for a few moments and then she sat on the floor in front of me and asked if I had any questions about what I had just found. I asked her if these are her babies and she started crying while nodding yes.
I felt myself get angry and I asked her why she would hide them from me, we’ve been together for over 2 years and we were starting to plan our future, I told her that I don’t want to be a step-dad and she had told me that she didn’t want to have children! At this point I was yelling (I’ve never yelled at her before) and she was just crying, not saying anything until she blurted out “they’re dead”.
I didn’t have anything to say and I couldn’t stand to look at her so I left. I decided to call my parents and I told them everything that I put in this post. My dad says that I need to talk to her and that I was rude and unempathetic in the way that I handled things and my mom totally reamed me out for “walking out on a good woman who has clearly gone through something traumatic enough that she never wanted to talk about it because I couldn’t handle myself for 10 minutes to let her explain”. My best friend thinks that I’m justified though.
She’s been trying to call me and sending me texts asking to meet with her so that she can explain everything but I just feel betrayed and confused. I don’t know where to go from here.
Relevant Comment from relationship_advice sub
Deleted Commenter: I can see why you feel like you were blindsided and lied to and it’s a big secret she kept from you.
But have you stopped at all to consider that the trauma of losing her babies has been so much that she hadn’t wanted to relive their memory to you? That she was scared of this very reaction from you?
They died bro. It’s not like they been hiding in the closet while she waits for you to marry her to yell “suprise you’re a daddy now!”.
Bit of sympathy and a chance for her to explain is warranted. Don’t be a douche.
OOP: I think I also feel really weird about knowing that another man got her pregnant and I know that’s stupid.
Update - November 8, 2022 (1 day later)
I’m not sure how many people will be interested in this update but I figure I’ll put it up. The discovery of the photos and my really shitty reaction all went down on Sunday, today is Tuesday for anyone who’s unclear about the timeline.
Long story short: I really fucked up.
Long story long: on Monday night shorty after having my ass handed to me by everybody in the comments and DM’s, as well as my mom telling me that I’m “not the son she raised”, I decided to call Kat and asked her if we could talk about everything. She said yes but that it’s an in-person talk so we made plans for me to go over to hers Tuesday (today) evening. I couldn’t focus on anything at work so I cut my day short and went to her place earlier in the day.
It was a difficult conversation. She told me about how she ended up in an abusive relationship when she was just under 18. She talked about how this man had so much control over her that she could hardly even breathe and the vile things he would say/do to her. Eventually he got her pregnant by force and she wanted to abort but he basically locked her in the basement until she was too far along to do anything about it. The twins were born and she knew that she needed to escape with both of them.
She played happy family and did her best while she made arrangements and healed physically, having twins gave her an “excuse” to have her mom come around to help with everything, including documenting and escaping. Everything was ready to go when the twins were 1 year old and Kat was 20. Basically, he figured it out at the very last second.
Her children died at the hands of their father and he tried to kill her too.
She told me about the guilt she felt in so many ways from wanting to abort them to begin with, having kids with the wrong person, not being able to get them out safely, and why she deserved to live when her babies didn’t.
She went through a ton of therapy and was eventually able to get to a good place and start living again, thriving honestly. She said that she didn’t think she could love again and she fell in love with me unexpectedly so she never thought about how she would share this part of her past with a new partner. She felt it easier and safer to just never bring it up but apologized for not telling me sooner.
I told her that she has nothing to apologize for and my initial reaction was unjustified. I should have stayed and talked to her, I shouldn’t have raised my voice at her, everything I did was wrong and that I am so sorry for not being a better partner and a better man.
To address some of the comments in my OPs; I never asked her if she had kids, I only asked if she wanted kids to which she said no. She never lied, she just left out the horrible passing of her children which I now understand.
Thank you to everybody who was (rightfully) brutal and honest. I’m not sure where our relationship will go from here, I’ll update in the future if there is any interest there.
I found out that my girlfriend had kids and I reacted really badly, I wish I never found out: (rareddit) - November 10, 2022 (2 days later)
A few years before I met my girlfriend, she had twins who passed away when they were a year old. I only found out because I came across some baby pictures when I was helping her move, I don’t think she was ever planning on telling me about them.
At first I was angry and I lashed out at her instead of just giving her the opportunity to explain. I made the mistake of making this a “me, me, me” issue and now there might not be any going back to what we had.
I still feel confused. Everything that she’s told me about her past has been true, she just decided to leave out the parts where she had kids and they died. I get that that’s probably the worst thing that a person can go through, especially with how it happened, but how do you get 2+ years into dating someone before ever telling them??
She’s told me that she needs some time and space to figure out where she wants to go from here because she didn’t like how I reacted to the news and she sees me differently now. I messed up and now I might lose the most incredible woman I’ve ever known. I’m terrified and I just want to go to her and hold her and beg her for forgiveness but I know that will only make her feel smothered.
I wish I could go back. I wish I never knew.
---- NEW UPDATE ----
I found out that my girlfriend had kids and I reacted really badly. A year and a half later. (rareddit) - April 25, 2024 (17 months later)
To recap: a few years before I met Kat, she had twins who passe…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ci69qv/new_update_my_28m_girlfriend_25f_didnt_tell_me/
Not a wrong assessment but I would add the that only applies to that instance of them. If he didn’t come around 1000% with you. Because he came around, I’d like to Believe he could have grown from this experience if he had the chance but she didn’t give it to him. But hey maybe your are on the money and his flaws were beyond redemption.
You’re right that it is only one incident. The vast and overwhelming majority of the time I’d agree wholeheartedly that a person can’t be accurately judged off of a single incident.
There are two reasons I deviate from that position in this case.
The first is his stated age. Running away from a highly emotional - maybe even shocking - social situation without allowing the other involved parties to give you all the facts is not the way a person looking down the barrel of their thirties should act. The particular piece of personal growth and learning that would have led to him hearing her out on the spot should have happened over a decade earlier in his life.
The second reason is that discovering her history of trauma isn’t just any old incident in day-to-day life, it’s a turning point. She went through something horrible at a young age. When he found out about it, he ran away. In effect he showed her that opening up to a romantic partner about her trauma could literally send them running.
For those two reasons (and assuming that the information we were given is accurate, etc.) she is far better off moving on while she’s young rather than spending years or decades “fixing” someone who clearly missed some key developments along the way.
I get your points. Very valid. I feel she is justified but didn’t have too.
Well I’m assuming he did learn. if she really felt it would takes years to be what she needs than yeah best to leave. I couldn’t imagine leaving. Makes you wonder what did/didnt occurred in his life for him to leave.
Opening up to partners is part of why I don’t think she should run. This set her get back mentally and she is going worry about this more with next guy than ever before. She is running from someone who is accepting but didn’t step up immediately. I would think it’s better to work through this with your partner now and strengthen the relationship. Assuming nothing else wrong in her POV.