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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-05-25 04:07:40+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/RegionAlarming1445. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.

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Mood Spoiler: tentatively happy ending

Original Post: May 17, 2024

My wife (39f) and I (36f) have a daughter (technically my stepdaughter but I’ve raised her since she was 5) (19f) from a previous relationship of my wife’s (her father is not in the picture) who has come back home after her first year at uni. She’s picked up a new (and problematic) issue since she was last home for an extended period of time, surrounding laundry.

Basically, she has established a “boundary” where nobody is to touch her clothes. Her reasoning is that she’s concerned something will go missing/get damaged, thinks it’s just gross for us to go through her stuff, and is an adult who deserves privacy. All fine, we have 3 young children in our home (9f, 9f and 2m) so plenty of washing to keep us entertained.

The issue is that she has a habit of monopolising washing facilities to the extent where we’re effectively prevented from being able to get any other laundry done. For example, last weekend she put a wash in before work and hung it out on the line at around 11am. She then left for work (12pm-10pm) - her wash was dry within an hour, and obviously she wasn’t going to be back all day. We had a few days worth of washing to get through, so my wife (her mum) took everything off the line and folded it. We got through 5 other loads that day.

She was NOT happy when she got home, and said that she’d been very clear that we weren’t to touch her things. When we explained the situation above, she said it was “first come, first served” (not something we’ve ever said) and that since the next day was due to be nice also, we should’ve just waited to get through it the next day. That really pissed us off.

We’ve offered her a weekly laundry day, where we’ll avoid using the machines so she can have freedom to do as she pleases on that day, but she said once a week won’t cut it. Fair enough, but there are 5 other people in the house that need clean clothes/bedding/towels. Other than that all we can really suggest is that she keeps on top of her washing. If she’s at home we’ll ask her to clear her clothes from the machine/dryer/washing line as needed, but like any 19 year old she has a social life/work commitments and is often busy.

She’s upset because she says we’re not respecting her boundaries, whereas we’ve pointed out that while “don’t move my clothes” is objectively reasonable, it’s not fair for her to do so at the inconvenience of everyone else in our home. Essentially the last conversation we had ended up with her in tears because we said as long as situations like Saturday keep occurring, we’ll continue to move her stuff. Just FYI, we do fold her clothes carefully, and leave them in a basket in a communal living area so they’re kept together, in good condition, and we’re not going in and out of her room.

We normally have a good relationship with her, so this is all a bit unusual. We’ve asked her if everything else is okay, and she says yes and seems otherwise normal in and of herself, and she’s normally reasonable so - are we being unreasonable?

EDIT: So the consensus is pretty much that we’re right, and our daughter is being massively unreasonable, and that we’re being pushovers for not being tougher on her from the off. We‘ve shown her the comments, and unfortunately she’s still insisting that we’re the unreasonable ones.

We’d never considered the local laundromat, and have banned her from using our washing machine for the next fortnight given she’s still unwilling to adjust. She‘a absolutely FURIOUS, and wife has ordered a lock for the washroom door to enforce the 2 week rule. Hopefully a couple of weeks hauling her stuff to and from will help her see the light. Thanks very much all!!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: It seems as if she getting “boundary” and “royal edict” confused, because it is quite obvious this girl thinks she’s a princess.

When you live with 5 other people, especially small children that can go through a department store’s worth of clothes in a day, you don’t get to monopolize the laundry facilities. The next time she leaves her laundry on the line and leaves for a 10 hour shift, I would be tempted to pull out the leaf blower, blow all of the clothes off the line, and blame it on the wind.

OOP: Yeah this is what’s really bothering us - the kids can go through SO MUCH STUFF! It’s a really stressful time for everyone as we have temporary custody of SILs son, the 2m, (no fault of her own) so we’re all adjusting and really don’t need this - I’d forgotten how much toddlers get through!!

Commenter: Girly is missing the part of boundaries where it’s meant to be “if you do x, I will respond with y”. What is her response other than pitching a hissy fit? That’s not constructive for anyone.

Moms [editor’s note- this was edited by the commenter, but originally the commenter had ‘mom and dad’] need to come back with their own boundary - a real one. No one in the house leaves their stuff in the machine/on the line for more than 1 hour past when it’s done/dry. If they do, any other member of the household may move the items in order to do their own washing. It follow the ‘if x, then y’ format with a perfectly reasonable consequence that applies to everyone in the house. It means that even if the parents leave their washing too long, the daughter can move theirs too. I have this rule in my house & it only needed to be crossed once before my roommate figured out I was serious (and that I set alarms when doing my own laundry so I never run afoul of my own rule).

OOP: 100!!! I have explained that this is not a boundary, rather a rule she’s asking us to follow (re our own washer!) but she’s not getting it. 

For now, the washroom ban is in effect, and hopefully she’ll be more amenable after realising that being aware of others is easier than going to a laundrette. 

Also - sorry - but my wife and I are both women haha, 2 mums!

Commenter: What did she do at uni?  Those are almost always shared machines.

OOP: I have NO idea and she’s pretty cagey about it - as the commenter below said, we’re thinking maybe she’s so sore about it because she’s had a few instances of having her stuff dumped out and it’s made her really agitated about it.

Commenter: NTA but if she is crying about this boundary and is advocating so fiercely for it, I imagine something happened regarding her laundry and she is feeling vulnerable.

As an example, the first time I lived on my own, someone I did not know went through my clothing and picked out all of my dirty underwear (they left it in a pile in my room that i never wouldve made). I felt so violated and had no idea who did it or why, and I felt extremely sexualized and vulnerable. All I can imagine is someone looked closely enough at my clean and dirty piles to figure out what underwear was dirty. Did they sniff it? Did they steal some? Did they jack off to it?

OOP: I’ve actually discussed this with her, as something similar happened to me at uni and it really stuck with me. She said no, and I asked her what happened when she left her laundry laying around at uni - little/no response. I think it’s more likely she’s had her things dumped out on the floor or something and is pushing back at us out of frustration. I’m not against therapy, and our 2 younger daughters are actually in therapy now, but I’m not seeing any major trauma here. Thanks for the insight though as it’s really valuable.

OOP (to another commenter asking her if something happened): I cannot stress enough how many conversations we have had about this. Has something happened? Is everything else okay? Is there something she’s worried about? Etc. By no means is this a knee jerk reaction - it’s been almost a month of this and we’re sick of being lectured for using our own washing/drying facilities!

Commenter: INFO: Who washes clothes that often? Does she have like 2 outfits? Is it a germ thing? Is it a safety thing? Seems like odd random behavior to have. Makes me think there’s a larger issue.

OOP: I mean she usually does about 3 loads a week, but between bedding/darks/whites I don’t think that’s crazy. 

I think we’re definitely in a difficult place now because we’re already under a lot of stress (2m is not ours, but SILs who we have temporary custody of) and it might be that we went a bit far tonight. I’m a bit at the end of my rope with solutions I guess as it’s just so maddeningly unreasonable!!

OOP (to a different commenter): Zero other signs of OCD - her personal hygiene habits haven’t changed, no other new quirks etc. Just this issue. Thanks though!

One more thought from OOP to a long comment:

Yeah I totally appreciate that she’s somewhat flexing her muscles as a new adult on this, and part of what we’re trying to reiterate is that we’re not treating her like a child by wanting her to be more amenable with this. If my wife was regularly leaving loads in the machine and snapping at me for moving them, I’d have a problem with that…

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