**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/No-Taro-7338 **Originally posted to** r/TrueOffMyChest + r/relationship_advice + r/AmItheAsshole **I just found out...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-06-05 04:00:05+00:00.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/No-Taro-7338

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest + r/relationship_advice + r/AmItheAsshole

I just found out that my husband of 10 years has never loved me

Previous BoRU #1 posted by u/Big-Experience-3640 + BoRU #2 posted by u/Longjumping-Rub-8611

Trigger Warnings: possible financial abuse, property damage, abuse, emotional abuse, hostile workplace, exploitation, physical violence, major medical issues

Original Post: May 3, 2022

My whole world is crashing right now. I never thought that this could happen to me. I am deeply in love with my husband and I thought he loved me too.

My husband Sam and I met after college at a book club. We fell in love and married a year later right out of college. I honestly though that my life was a dream come true. He was kind and silly and he made me feel loved.

I found out last week that my husband never loved me. I overheard Sam talking to his friend on FT when he thought I couldn’t hear. His friend was congratulating Sam on bagging me, because “I’m loaded”. That’s not true. Though I make a decent living and my parents recently had some success in their business abroad, I don’t make nearly enough to be considered wealthy, perhaps upper middle class at best. It’s not like I can quit my job tomorrow and be set for life. I’m a financial analyst and make $300K working 70 hours a week. Sam is a customer service advisor for a bank and makes $50K working 35 hours a week.

Edit: Yes, I was in investment banking out of college. Sam has had this job for 4 months. He has a spotty work history due to not getting along with his bosses.

Sam then said that all his planning paid off and he’d live the easy life. His friend added that he couldn’t imagine being married to me, waking up to my face. I’ve never been very attractive, I’m very skinny and have a thin face and a wide nose, but Sam made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Sam just laughed and said “it’s easy when you have the mindset.” I pretended I didn’t hear and went back upstairs and just lied in bed.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch with the excuse of working late and not disturbing him. Every time, I’ve woken up in our bed with him cuddling me. I don’t feel loved. I feel used. I don’t know what to do.

Comments

OOP on if she had a prenup with her husband

We don’t have a prenup. I regret it.

OOP on why their earnings are not enough to live comfortable in their area

I know it’s far more than most Americans, but it’s not enough for someone to lie for 10 years about. He could have found anyone else.

It’s definitely not enough to be truly wealthy, just comfortable. If he wanted to bag someone could he have not found someone else? He didn’t have to lie to me and say he loved me . It is comfortable. Just not wealthy. When I think of wealthy, I think of people who don’t have to work for a living.

I have serious medical conditions that cost a lot of money, partially exacerbated by my work life. I used to work 80-100 hour weeks. Plus, I had been paying off my husband’s student loans of $80,000 as well as our mortgage. I do not have student loans because I (thankfully) earned a scholarship.

I grew up in poverty on food stamps and I’m terrified of going back to that life.

Edit: and his credit card debt

OOP responded to multiple redditors telling her to divorce her husband as he was using her

I have honestly resigned myself to a life alone if I do divorce my husband. No one has expressed any interest in me. The only time I was asked out was as a joke.

I had a friend in college who shared my interests and my hobbies and was fun. I was in love with him. I was short and very skinny and he was my height and quite chunky and we had a in group nickname based on that. When our friends would say we looked like a couple he would make gagging noises and say it’s disgusting but in a joking way. when I got the courage to ask him out, he laughed himself sick.

Edit: I am unattractive and have serious health conditions. I am statistically unlikely to find another husband. It’s alright. I’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t love me.

OOP on how she got a job at 19 and earning so much

I graduated at 19 and had a very well paying job. To the tune of 6 figures. I grew up in poverty on food stamps so this was a dream for me. My parents only very recently had success with their business back in their home country. We are immigrants.

Sam was kind of broke because of bad financial habits. he had been financially cut off from his parents who were middle class. He had $80000 of student loans (I’ve paid off over half) and $20,000 of credit card debt (which I’ve also paid off)

OOP on an example when she overheard her husband’s conversation with his friend

Sam and his friend were talking about an upcoming trip to Prague we were going to book. I was paying for it. That was what sparked the whole conversation on “bagging a free ride”

He laughed when his friend said those hurtful, but accurate things about my appearance. His friend made more comments on how Sam could stand to wake up to me.

I was also hurt because his friend had always been very nice to me before.

It would have been nice if Sam said he stayed with me for something other than my salary. For him, I’m apparently an easy grift. . You’re probably right. My husband insists that the conversation never happened, he never said anything, and that I was hallucinating due to stress.

I felt hurt because I thought the friend was a nice person. He had been quite kind and welcoming before. Though I am not attractive, there was no need to insult me like that if I heard correctly.

They were talking about our upcoming trip to Czechia in 2023 which I am paying for. That was how the conversation started.

 

Update: May 6, 2022

Last night I came home late and my husband was waiting for me. He had been blowing up my phone for the entire day, spamming me with accusing, but not untrue messages. The conversation did not go well…He accused me of avoiding him, which was true. I just couldn’t look at him. I used work as an excuse. He said I was withholding affection from him. He also accused me of being unfaithful to him, which was never true. I have a new coworker who just started approximately two weeks ago and Sam was convinced I was having an affair with them. I told him I didn’t even know that coworker. How could I have an affair?

I finally told him about what I overheard and how hurt I was. His response was to deny ever having that conversation and deny ever saying anything. He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress.

I received several very helpful messages about a post my husband might have made. Though some of the details don’t match up, most of it do (our salaries, the time we’ve been married, the couch thing) and I asked him if he wrote the reddit post. He told me he doesn’t do reddit but didn’t outright deny making the post and asked me what I was doing on my phone all day for the past few days, which was reading all your messages on this throwaway. I told him that and he looked incredibly upset.

I told him that what he did really hurt me and he still insisted it never happened. I asked him if he ever loved me and he said “Don’t be stupid, of course I do. You’re the one cheating on me.” I told him I never cheated on him. It felt like the conversation was going in circles.

I brought up the possibility of a postnup, and he scoffed and said he didn’t want to divorce. If I tried to divorce him, he had a right to a lot of alimony. That part is true. Our state has strong alimony rights for spouses with salary differences. He only had his job for a few months and it’s the highest paying one he has had. He said “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re sick if you try to divorce me?”

I asked him if he ever lied to me or hid things from me and eventually he admitted that the way we met wasn’t an accident. He knew who I was and that I would be there and pretended to stumble into me as an excuse to make conversation. I demanded counseling as a first step and to my surprise he agreed.

At that point, I was getting a splitting headache- not a migraine, which I also get often. I went to bed and he gave me a glass of water and medicine and we just didn’t bring it up. I took today off work because I feel burnt out. I don’t feel like anything is resolved. Now I doubt myself and everything I heard. If I truly didn’t hear that, then I blew up my marriage for nothing. If he did say that and he’s capable of lying for 10 years, then why would I stay with him? At least we’re getting marriage counseling (and therapy for myself).

Excuse me for the numerous typos and grammatical errors. I’m exhausted.

 

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  • @[email protected]MEnglish
    1•3 months ago

    Why would my husband insinuate that there is abuse in our relationship to his friend?: July 17, 2022

    My husband Sam and I have access to each others phones, computers, emails, etc. Normally, I don’t read my husband’s things, though I know he sometimes checks my messages and the like.

    Today, he left his laptop open to his messages and I saw my name in a message alert from his friend who does not like me. I read more of the chat.

    A few days ago Sam was arguing with his father over the phone. He was angrier than usual and gesticulating. I went to get something and when I was behind him, his fist accidentally hit my jaw. He apologized immediately and it was fine. I’ve had a couple of minor surgeries unrelated to this incident, so I don’t look great. I can see why someone would be concerned. My new friends and my therapist were very concerned too when they saw me but when I explained, they understood.

    Sam’s friend saw me yesterday for a minute. In the chat, he asked Sam why I had a “messed up face” and Sam said it was fine and not interfere in our marriage. The friend was telling Sam that he should leave me and it was all right if we divorced because there were a lot of women who wanted him. The last message said “u can’t hit ur wife bc she wants a divorce. ust take the check and go.” Throughout the entire conversation Sam never told his friend it was an accident. He just said that I was his wife and it was not his friend’s business.

    I feel awful for violating his privacy, and I will tell him, but I’m also confused why he would say this and not clarify the accident.

    Additional Information from OOP on why she was not divorced yet

    I don’t know. I’m just deeply exhausted by it all. Separating, disentangling finances, surgeries, regressions, breaking from my job, stress. It was all overwhelming. My wonderful therapist has told me to break down my problems into simple steps and if I’m too exhausted to act, to just let it be for now and gather up my strength for the next thing.

    I just had an abdominal hysterectomy and right now recovery is my next hurdle. I’m in pain but I’m hopeful.

    My husband has been doing everything around the house. I can’t lift most things and it hurts to be too active. He works. He cleans. He has learned to cook some surprisingly complex meals that I like. He irrigates my sockets because they haven’t fully healed and I can’t see properly. That was how I got an infection. He helps me shower.

    While he does things like this, it makes me feel guilty for wanting to divorce him. It makes me think he blames himself for accidents like in the post. That he does love me. But then I remember the fact that he doesn’t have any photos of me on his phone and that he admitted he didn’t love me at first and other silly things and I just wonder why we can’t live apart happily.

    OOP on Sam’s friend mentioned in the post is the same person who was on FT

    Yes, it is the same friend. My husband has a circle of childhood friends. I know a few dislike me. One of them has told me that she wished my husband had married a mutual friend of theirs instead of me. I do feel like an intruder in their friendship circle.

    I’m happy to say that, now that I’m on leave from work and unlikely to return, my coworkers have grown into close friends. It makes me kind of sad that I chose to work from home a lot, missing out on the closeness they have demonstrated.

    We did start marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor is wonderful, as is my therapist. My husband has started DBT therapy but he hates it. Our counselor says one of our root problems is the way we define ourselves. I see myself for what I can provide people- I am a hard worker, I am efficient, I cook, I clean, I can do this or that- rather than what I am intrinsically. My husband defines himself on what he loves and hates, his interests and disinterests.

    • @[email protected]MEnglish
      1•3 months ago

      AITA for doing things by myself at an amusement park: August 2, 2022

      Last weekend, my (32F) husband Sam (32M) and a few of his friends and spouses arranged to go to an amusement park. I am not a huge fan of loud, hot, crowded places. I find it overwhelming. Moreover, I could not go on the thrill rides as I recently had surgery and have very high blood pressure. Sam convinced me to go to connect with his friends.

      When we came, their itinerary was a tight schedule of all thrill rides. The first ride was a rollercoaster. I was in line as a placeholder for a person. One friend, Jake, collected everyone’s phones and put it in his bag. I tried to tell him that I couldn’t go on the ride, but it seems I was unclear. I didn’t want to make a fuss for this one ride so I gave him my phone. When the person returned, I got out of line and waited at one of the two exits as they would meet me there.

      After waiting for 40min, I realized they must have gone to the other exit and left without me. I checked the other nearby rides but I couldn’t find them. I went to a first aid station, and I called my phone and then my husband but he didn’t pick up.

      At first I tried to stay in the area, but it was high traffic, loud, and very hot. I still had my pass and cash with me. I found a quieter, shaded area, bought lunch, met a very nice elderly couple who showed me a few spots, won a plushie and a blanket from a vending machine, and had dinner. I had fun.

      There was an announcement that the park would close in half an hour. I decided I would go to our parked car to wait for the group. 30min later, one of Sam’s friends, Nancy, found me next to the car and dragged me to the others. They were furious because they had been frantically looking for me for the last half an hour.

      Update: There is not much of an update. Sam and I talked it out at home and in marriage counseling and came to a sort of understanding. I feel I was less than charitable to him, likely because I felt hurt that he left me.

      This is how the day went.

      Jake gathered everyone’s loose items including phones, wallets, hats, etc. in his bag and put it in a locker. I made a mistake and put my phone in his bag since I didn’t want to hold them up. A bit later, I crossed over to the exit line, walked down, and waited at the exit. They were supposed to meet me there.

      My husband’s group got split. Sam rode in the second half and heard from his friend that the first group didn’t want to do another thrill ride. They slipped back to the entrance with the lockers instead of going to the exit. When I wasn’t at the lockers he thought I left with the first group without waiting for him.

      He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him.

      Meanwhile, I was waiting at the exit. I realized that Sam had already left when I saw the same people exit twice, meaning they rode the coaster, waited in line again, and rode the again. This was approx 40 minutes after the 25 wait time the line stated.

      I went to the first aid station and called him. I made a mistake. I forgot he doesn’t respond/call back unknown numbers because of scams.

      Sam’s friends got back together and split throughout the day. He was upset when I wasn’t with any group because he thought I left them too and I hadn’t tried to contact him.

      When the park announced the closing, he was worried. He and his friends called my phone. They dug through Jake’s backpack and saw that my phone was there and it was dead. Sam found out no one had seen me since the first ride. He called back the unknown number and it was the first aid station who confirmed I was there.

      Our marriage counselor said I was passive and lacked boundaries. I should have said no to the entire idea. I agree with her. I’m working on me with my therapist.

      She said that Sam was so willing to believe I left him and his desire to test if I still loved him that he left me in a dangerous situation. His therapist said he defines himself by the love I give him, which is unhealthy.

      Sam apologized the entire time. He feels guilty. He mopes around the house. I gave him the plushie I won and it only made him happy for a few minutes. I think I made it worse. He constantly checks my hand to see if I’m still wearing my rings.

      Verdict: Not the Asshole

      OOP responds on several questions regarding waiting for her husband and his friends

      Giving up my phone was my fault, I agree. Jake told me to put my phone in his bag, I told him I wasn’t going on this ride, but I don’t think I made it clear to him. He told me to put my phone in again and there were others with their phones out waiting to put theirs in, so I put mine in to not create a fuss. I thought that since we agreed to meet up at the exit, it would be fine if I didn’t have my phone. Unfortunately, my phone was on mute as well. I should have not done so . We arrived there in the morning. There are a long lines for the most anticipated thrill rides.

      I only had an abdominal hysterectomy so while I can’t lift heavy things or walk a lot, I’m mostly fine.

      Edit: the surgery was almost two weeks ago . I can’t blame my husband too much. He was excited to be with his friends. Almost always, I’m not there when he is with them so I can see how he genuinely forgot I was there at the start.

      This was supposed to be a way for me to bond with his friends, since his therapist says he puts barriers between certain aspects of his life, but it fell by the wayside since I can’t actually go on most of the rides they planned.

      They were searching in the park for me. I suppose they could have made an announcement. When my husband called the number I used back, it was the general first aid center in the park, which apparently made them think I could have been sick. . They just genuinely forgot I was there. It was a large group that frequently hang out together and I don’t go on these sorts of outings so it makes sense. . Yes, I feel bad because they did seem worried and angry. 30 minutes is a long time to be looking for someone in a big park. They didn’t sign up to form a search and rescue, just have fun in the park.

      My husband was having fun with his friends. He tracks my phone location so I assume he wasn’t concerned until they realized that I didn’t have my phone and there was no way to track me down.

      Anyone else experience wound dehiscence? - September 27, 2022

      I had an abdominal hysterectomy. Due to poor personal choices, my wound opened back up and plus I got a horrible infection. I had to get another surgery 2.5 weeks after my initial one to fix the damage I caused. It’s been several weeks but I’m still in a lot of pain.

      Comments

      OOP on if she has finally divorced her husband and having her family taking care of her

      I am alright. I got a postnup. My grandmother got very sick so I went back alone to my home country. An unofficial separation. She didn’t make it. I still feel like my heart has been ripped out. I was in both physical and emotional pain. My husband had a severe breakdown and was hospitalized because I wasn’t there. His family and friends begged me to come back so I did. I couldn’t go back to work. I stay at home. he takes care of me.

      DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP